Ummm, I THINK I Can Help You Over Here!

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE? I just can't figure this out! Seems like every time I turn on the TV, another Bank has been robbed. Or at least another 'attempted' robbery. Seems like most of them don't get away with it and those that do make it out the door end up with a bag full of blue dye.

Now, I realize that times are tough and people have to do what they have to do to survive. Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm in NO WAY condoning ANY type of illegal activity. Not whatsoever. In fact I couldn't be more against it.

I'm 'old'school' in my thinking and I believe we all have to work for what we get in life. And the harder we work, the more money we make. Or at least that's how it should be anyway.



Our Country was founded on this principal and I believe that's what has helped to create the Superpower that we are today. Well, that we were at one time. Not too sure where we stand in the 'global' scheme of things these days but I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to say.

But hard work seems to have been replaced by taking the easy way out. How can I get the most for doing the least. The world 'owes me', now gimme mine! And no doubt that type of mentality is going to be our demise.


Which brings me back to all these Bank robberies. There probably aren't as many attempts as it appears, due to the vast amount of Banks that are out there in relation to the amount of attempts, yet they always seem to make headlines. Whether it be in print or online, there's no shortage of 'bad guys' lookin' for a 'free ride'.

This got me to thinkin'. I know, uh oh, there he goes thinkin' again. This COULD be dangerous! No really, this is starting to bug me. Recession or no recession, there's just no excuse for stupidity. If you're going to do anything in life, do it right the FIRST time.

I don't know about you but I can't EVER recall walking in to a Bank, completely avoiding the 'mini~maze' that guides you to the Teller windows [yeah, the one with the huge sign that says ENTER HERE!], proceeding to walk straight up to one of the Tellers that is just waiting for you with open arms and saying "Gimme ALL Your Money, NOW!"


First off, seems to me like just as soon as you walk in the Branch, someone, whether it's a Guard or somebody in New Accounts will make eye contact and smile. I always like to smile back, it makes for a better day.

Next obstacle is the Maze, a series of 'twists and turns', designed to create some semblance of 'uniformity' and to guide you to where you REALLY wanna go.

Not that it hasn't happened but it's very rare, like one out of every forty times, that this maze is empty. Like I mentioned, extremely rare. Yet even on those special occasions, I STILL do as the sign tells me and I begin my journey at the entrance to the maze.


Don't get me started on those 'rule breakers' that, once they've taken care of their banking, INSIST on walking backwards through the maze. What are they thinking, don't they KNOW they are breaking the rules? Apparently not or they wouldn't do it in the first place, right? Actually I'm not too sure but it definitely makes no sense to me. Perhaps they like to live life 'on the edge'.

So chances are, once you get to the 'line up', there will be at the very least one or two people in front of you. More than likely there will be many more than that but let's just assume that you won't be the only person waiting for a Teller.

Some people filling out Deposit slips, others scratching out there info on a Withdrawl slip, HOPING that they will have sufficient funds to complete the transaction. Some even on their Cell Phones, trying to look important, in an effort to make the Tellers hurry up. Good luck with THAT one.

Of those making withdrawls, most of these people need a different amount of money than what the ATM has to offer. And if you're at all like me, you've had those times where you needed cash but your account balance showed less than $20. Yep, I said it. LESS than the $20 minimum and NO, I'm not proud of that statement.

That's when you HAVE to take the 'walk of shame', going inside the Branch and asking for your $18. But you need a balance of at least $10 just to keep your account open. Then it's decision time.


With about forty eyes staring at you from the lineup in the maze, burning holes in the back of your head, PRESSURING you to HURRY UP and make up your mind so they can complete their transactions and get back to their day, you HAVE to make a split second decision. 'On the fly' no less because you surely weren't prepared to make such a 'life altering' decision when you walked in the door.

Hmmm, should I take out $8 and keep my account open or just say screw it, take the entire $18 out and close it down? But if you close your account, won't that mean you'll have to fill out a bunch of extra paperwork? Oh, the anxiety.

That in itself could take even longer than YOU planned. But what the hell is $8 gonna buy you? One trip to the Jack in the Box 'Dollar Menu' and that pretty much blows you're wad. YIKES, What SHOULD I Do? Just thinkin' about this is stressing me out, I gotta move on.

OK, so you're finally at the front of the line. So close you can almost read the names on the little 'signs' next to each Teller window. Out of the thirty eight teller windows available, only three are open. Why is that?



Where the hell is Denise, Becky, Sherrie, Lisa, Tanya, Robin, Shaniqua, Melissa, Terri, Carla, Justine, Ricki, Charlene, Dustin, Christy, Yolanda, Shana, Missy, Barbara, Deborah, Mary, Joshua, Katherine, Brandi and all the other 'missing peeps'. Why aren't they at work? Don't they realize I'm in a hurry? I've got places to go, things to do, people to meet! I've got to get on with my day. Jeez, if you're not gonna show up for work at least have the courtesy to take your sign down the night before. It just looks tacky, you and your time off, rubbin' it in our faces. Why must you mock us?

That's about the time that I see IT! The giant HD Big Screen TV monitor, seemingly staring at me. Actually, it's difficult to avoid looking at it since it's right in front of you, staring back at you.


Hmmm, that guy looks kinda familiar. I'm not the least bit into guys but he's kinda handsome, a bit rugged lookin'. Perhaps he's a GQ Model? He looks a bit like me but 20lbs. heavier. Wait a minute, that IS ME! That's ME staring at me! But from a completely different angle. How can that be?

Then it dawns on me that I'm being filmed by some kinda 'Nanny Cam', probably in the ceiling or something. That answers the question about the weird angle. Jeez, I feel like I'm at the local Indian Casino, about to lose my last dollar on some 'rigged' game of Blackjack.

Wow, until now I never thought about the similarities between the two establishments, the Bank and the Casino. Taking out my last dollar, about to throw it away. ON CAMERA! Not good.

And I sure hope I wasn't cussing out loud about all the truant employees, they'd have it on file. I'd sure hate to have them treat me differently after viewing the footage, that would truly be a shame.

"Ummm, I Can Help You Over Here!" A bit startled, I'm faintly aware of a voice coming from somewhere far off in the distance. I look around and then I see IT. Scanning the entire counter, spanning just about the same distance as the front straightaway at the Indy 500, down near the end I can barely make out a slight movement above the counter top. Is that a Hummingbird? Nope, it's the Tellers hand waving to me, signaling me to head in her direction.


Can't really see any more than her hand, especially from this distance. The Teller 'wall' is kinda tall so it makes it difficult to actually see anybody until you're directly in line with the window. So I begin the long walk, kinda like in the movie Nine Mile and I start to hear the crowd in the maze chanting Dead Man Walkin' and...ooops, gettin' a bit side tracked.

Finally, face to face with the Teller. Such a beautiful smile, perfect for a Teller. Looking at her 'sign', I break the ice with a "Hi Brittney, how are you today?" Of course, as I'm saying this I'm just hoping that she's working at her own station and not somebody elses. That would really be embarassing if I called her by the wrong name.

"Please swipe your card." I guess that's about it for the idle chit chat. She's got a job to do and she wants to get it done. No BS'n around today. Which is more than fine with me. After being in line for what seems like forever, I'm about ready to get this whole thing over with because by now it's just about lunch time and there's bound to be a huge lineup in the Drive Thru at Jack in the Box!


With the transaction completed, I begin heading for the front door. Why is it that they have everything so blocked off that you're forced to walk by all of the angry people still waiting in the maze, dying to get to the 'cheese'? Cruel I tell ya', just down right cruel.

Getting back in my car, I can't help but reflect a bit on this mornings 'experience'. This whole banking 'thing' seems rather ridiculous at this point. Isn't it MY MONEY? Last time I checked it was anyway. If so, then why the hell is it so hard to get it back in my pocket? I could go on and on about this but I won't. That's an entirely different story, one I'll save for later.

Finally, made it to Jack in the Box. Jeez, I'm starving, can't wait to get me some food. What the heck is this, another lineup? You gotta be kidding me! It's not even lunch time yet. Good thing I got out of the Bank so quickly, any longer and this line could have really been bad.


As I stared at the "If you can read this, YOU'RE TOO CLOSE!" bumper sticker on the minivan in front of me, I began to think about all the people waiting in the Drive Thru in front of me. Then I noticed the 'Mi Familia' stickers on the back window. You know which ones I'm talking about, the little 'cut outs' that show the entire family, right down to the dog.

Yikes, there's Papi, Mami and about fourteen kids. Oh, and their dog Pepe'. I sure hope they aren't ordering for the entire family, that could take forever. Oh well, I guess I should be grateful that I made it this far. I mean, there could have been some friggin' idiot tryin' to rob the bank at the same time I was in there so in essence, I'm pretty lucky.


Which got me to thinkin' about the Bank again. And the fools that try to pull off these heists. I guess what intrigues me the most is how on earth are these so called 'Bank Robbers' getting through the maze and up to the Teller windows without being spotted? I mean c'mon, they don't seem to posess a whole lot of creativity, not to mention zero individuality.

It's as if they all bought BANK ROBBERY FOR DUMMIES, glanced over Chapter One on How to dress properly for the occaision, then got so excited that they didn't read any further before they ran to the Bank to test out all of their newly discovered knowledge. All of them seem to exude such a high degree of stupidity, it amazes me that so many of them make it as far along in the process as they do.


It's hard enough for us 'regular' folks to get to the Teller window, how in the heck are THEY making it with such apparent ease? Especially when they are wearing some of the most ridiculous disguises ever conceived.

Just a quick heads up to all the Bank Managers and Tellers out there. When you see a guy [or gal] walk in the front door wearing a Baseball Hat and Sunglasses, there's a pretty good chance that they're up to no good and you might want to think about keeping an eye on them. Perhaps even put your hand on the secret button, just in case. I don't know, it's just a thought.


And is it just me or is this THE most popular Bank Robber 'outfit' out there? Running a close second has to be the 'Hoodie' with the bandana around the neck. After that, you're pretty much in the 'Ex Presidents Mask' Category and at that point, it's pretty obvious that you're not there to make a Deposit. No doubt it's going to be an Illegal Withdrawl and things are gonna get ugly real quick!


A bit startled, I hear "My name is Felicia, would you like to try our new Jackalicious Jackburger Combo Meal Supremo for only $14.99?" I'm thinkin' jeez, for that price it better come with a Lobster Tail. And butter.

Somewhat stunned, I mutter "Uh, no thank you, I can't really afford that. Can I just get two Chicken Sandwiches, small Fries and a small Diet Coke?" To which she replies, "OK, so that's two Chicken Neckwiches, Le Mini Fries and a Dixie Cup Size Diet Coke? That'll be $17.88 at the first window. Please pull forward!"

Dang, that seems expensive! Maybe I SHOULD have gotten the Jackalicious Jackburger Combo after all. Too late now, I've already ordered and I sure as heck ain't gonna try and back up. Too many people in line behind me. Man, if these prices keep goin' up, I'm gonna have to rob a Bank.