I'm NOT One Of THEM, AM I?

Nearly impossible to explain. It's like some kind of an invisible forcefield, kinda Star Trekish, drawing us in. Go to the light, Go to the light! "Go to the light? What light?" Ohhh, THAT light! That giant laser beam that's pretty much blinding me. OK, OK, I'll go!

Seemingly mesmerized, under the spell of some hidden Sorcerer [who goes by the name of Sam], like helpless lemings being pulled by an inexplicable force to a land of endless treasures and bountiful beauty. Somewhere under the rainbow of dreams.


A place where you can have anything your heart desires. For the ladies it could be a marvelous Louis Vuitton purse or a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, perhaps a new Armani Suit or a Rolex Submariner for the guys. Heck, there's even tons of goodies for the kids. From 9 months to 90 years old, there's a guaranteed treasure for everyone. Well, at least according to the commercials anyway.

And to make this relentless abundance of goodies even more enticing is the fact that each and every one of them is guaranteed to have the lowest prices in the universe. The 'deals' here just can't be beat. By anyone, anywhere. Again, that's what I've been lead to believe and since I saw it on TV, it's gotta be the truth. Right?

As I struggle to get my head to turn a bit left and right [I'm being pulled towards the light so forcefully that it's difficult to turn my head] I begin to notice all the excitement and anticipation on the faces of all the anxious shoppers. I thought I was the only one dying to get inside. Apparently they feel the same way, each of them looking for that 'one of a kind find', that special 'something' that will make the trip oh so worth it.


Good thing this parking lot is so huge, what with all the treasure seekers scrambling for a spot. That's when I notice a giant section off to the east side that seems to be filled with 'lifers', those that choose to bring their campers and motorhomes. Jeez, they must REALLY love a bargain if they have to live here. Perhaps they need a 12 Step Program?

Alright, almost inside. I'm shaking so badly at this point, I just can't wait to get in there. What's with these people, why would they grab a shopping cart BEFORE they even get inside? Seems stupid to try and get that thing through the door when everybody is gonna be squeezin' through as it is.


That's when it dawns on me. What if they're out of carts on the inside? I did see a guy way off in the distance with a giant 'train' of carts and he was heading towards the entrance. All I can do is hope he gets there in time or there's bound to be a riot of some kind.


Alright, made it through the first set of doors. First set? Huh? Why do they have two sets of doors? Maybe it's to catch the 'bad guys' that try to steal all the expensive trinkets waiting inside. Keep moving, mussst....get....in...side... ahhhhhhh, made it through door number two and I still have my shoes on. Life is good.


Mmmmm, now WHO is THIS? "Hello and welcome to WalMart." Oh, she must be the friendly WalMart Greeter that I've heard so much about. Sure, I'll take a hug [and a kiss and oh yeah, your phone number as well!]. "Would you like a cart?" Uh, huh, yeah sure, a cart.....oh yeah, I need a cart. Sorry, I kinda lost my train of thought for a second.




I'd heard about the WalMart greeter before but I gotta be honest, this is not at all what I had pictured in my mind. I figured it would be some elderly retired guy, sitting on a stool and doing all he could to say Hi. Guess I was wrong.


As my eyes begin to adjust to the 'new' indoor lighting, refocusing on all the treasures that lay before me, one thing that does seem a bit odd is the rather large 'M' on the wall to my right.

Now, I could be mistaken here but isn't that the 'calling card' of the Golden Arches? Yep, sure enough. In fact I'd know that smell anywhere. It's friggin' McDonalds! What the heck is a fast food joint doin' in a place like THIS? Even though it seems a bit strange, maybe Ronald is part owner of WalMart?

OK then, I'm off to find all those deals I've heard so much about. Matter of fact, with all these price cuts or as Sam puts it, 'Rollbacks', I'll bet he's got a separate Team to handle that department.


After all, this is the home of the Rollback. I'll bet Sam came up with the price drop idea originally, sometime back in the 50's or so. Wow, there are signs everywhere, announcing Rollbacks on pretty much everything in the store. I'm not exactly sure what Era these prices were rolled back to but who am I to argue. Everybody loves a bargain.


No need to be a math wiz. All the math is done for you, right there in plain sight. Which really is a good thing since I didn't bring my calculator.

I must admit though that some of the signs appear to have been altered and in not such an attractive way. Maybe these were installed by the 'night crew', when the lighting wasn't all it could be. One thing's for sure. I know Sam is gonna get 'Team Rollback' on it right away and remedy the situation.



But it does kinda make you wonder why on earth they didn't just start out with the lower prices in the first place. Wouldn't that have saved a ton on expenses? That way, they wouldn't need a seperate Team to handle all the price changes which would have cut down on employee wages. That in turn could have helped to save the customers some money overall.



Heck, I don't claim to know anything about corporate strategy so who am I to say. I'll leave all that 'money stuff' up to Sam and Ronnie. I'm sure they know what they're doing. No doubt they know way more than I do.

As I continue to stroll around, I'm utterly amazed by all I see. They seemingly have anything and everything you could ever want except perhaps for a new Porsche GT3RS, maybe a Riva Yacht and say a $2mil Marathon Coach. It's kinda too bad because if they did have the Marathon, that would allow you to live in the parking lot very comfortably. After that there wouldn't be any reason to leave. EVER!


I've heard that they have all these things and more across the street at a very exclusive place called Sams Club. That's a Members Only type of place and I'm pretty sure only Big Wigs can get in. I'll have to save that adventure for another day. I have way to much 'stuff' to absorb right in front of me, no way can I handle any more in one day.

As I resume my browsing, I continue to be absolutely awestruck by the vast array of items displayed on the endless rows of shelving. Row after row, shelf after shelf, my head is literally spinning trying to take it all in. Some of the items I know I need. Others I certainly wouldn't mind having but I don't have to have them just yet and strangely enough there are some things in here I have no idea what the hell they even are, let alone whether or not I need them.


Yet even though I have no clue what they are or why I might need them, one thing's for sure. I know they must be a super deal because I just know that Sam had the Team rollback the prices on everything in here, probably back to about 1950's prices.

Keep in mind that most of these 'things' weren't even invented until the 1980's or '90's but these must be the prices that they would have been charging back in the 50's IF they had been invented at that point.


I know, sounds a bit confusing but I also know that Sam and Ronnie would NEVER try and screw us. Would they? I mean c'mon, who's more trust worthy than Ronald McDonald? And he'd never team up with Sam if he wasn't a totally legit guy as well, right? Ok then, case closed.



Continuing my adventure through the maze of seemingly endless aisles, I begin to get the feeling that something just isn't right. Yes, the variety IS incredible. No doubt about that. From TV's to toilet paper, brooms to bicycles, anything you could ever want is at your fingertips.



OK, ALMOST anything. I have yet to find the 'Single Woman' section, where all of the available single women in town are displayed. Probably just as well anyway because judging by the 'crowd' in the store, I'm most likely not dressed appropriately for the occasion. I'll have to save that section for next time.


Scowering the shelves, I continue to check off all of the items on my list. Couldn't come to a store of this size without having a list. No way I'd ever be able to remember everything I'm supposed to get. Not with all these choices, endless varieties and knowing darn well that each and every one of them is a screamin' deal. That's just too much to ask, of anyone.


In fact, I think I'm getting a headache from all this heavy duty decision making. Who would have ever guessed that all this fun could be so much like work? It never dawned on me that so much thinking would be required of me. Better head on over to the aspirin section, no doubt they just rolled back all the prices on that as well.

On my way over I spot something out of the corner of my eye. All glittery and gleaming, like a diamond strobe light, it's the Watch 'roundup'. No doubt I'm a dreamer so I might as well head on over and check out the Rolex selection. Not that I have an extra $30K or $40K to spend on a watch but it couldn't hurt to look, could it?

As I get closer to 'Bling Central', it takes all I have to remain focused. Everything is so bright and sparkly, like some kinda funky Vegas Hypnotist waving a silver chain in front of me, "Keep your eyes on the bling, keep your eyes on the bling!"


OUCH! Dammit, I just ran into the counter. I guess I shouldn't have kept my eyes on that silver chain for so long. There they are! All the bitchin' watches you could ever hope for. Just too many to choose from. So many Rolex's, so little time.

Wait a minute! Hang on, I'm no expert but something doesn't look right. As I begin to look closer, that's when it hit me. In big letters on the front of the glass enclosure, like a giant flashing neon sign, "FAUX~LEX". What the heck? I should have known, fake Rolex's. Oh well, I guess that is kind of alot to ask. That a regular store would carry the 'real deal', that's just too much to hope for. Time to move on.


Looks like my list is completely checked off so I might as well make my way up to the checkout counters at the front of the store. Along the way I happen to notice the ladies shoe dept. OK, so I MIGHT have been checking out the women and not the shoes. So sue me.

Anyway, that's when I noticed the "Jimmy Fu" shoe display. For some crazy reason I thought his name was Jimmy Choo but I guess I was wrong. I also thought his shoes sold for right around $900. As it turns out, they're only about $40. Another Rollback? Perhaps.

Then, just as I begin to turn the corner, checkout in sight, I happen to smell all the leather Louis Vuitton goodies! Luggage, Purses, 'manbags', all that kinda stuff. I gotta admit I'm a sucker for good leather and with a smorgasboard like this, it was hard not to notice. And not that I'm a pro at this stuff, it's just that I did happen to notice the print on everything.


Jeez, not again! As I get closer I realize that the sign says "Chuey Vuitton" but the way they made the 'CL' logo look just like the real VL logo was definitely slick. Not exactly false advertising but pretty damn close if you ask me. I guess I gotta give them some kinda credit for that at least.

But the more I smell it, something seems a bit off with this leather smell. Perhaps a bit of Mad Cow Disease got mixed in, I'm not sure but it no way smells as good as it did at first. Time to go!

This must be it, the back of the line. Kinda hard to tell from this far back but I highly doubt all these people would be standing here otherwise. Wow, they have tons of registers up here. 1, 2, 3, ........48! Dang, that IS alot of registers. Then it dawns on me that only three of the 'numbers' are lit up.


No wonder these lines are so long, there aren't any cashiers working! I know I saw plenty of 'blue aprons' muddling around the store, trying their best to look busy. Why the heck aren't they up here ringing people through? After all, this is where the magic ha.... ooops, I mean this is where the money happens. If anything, they should be up here concentrating on grabbin' the cash.

Standing there, waiting patiently [no, really, I was] I began to ponder this entire experience. Line up getting in the door. Most of the prices, although apparently rolled back, were seemingly rolled back to 2005 prices, when they were much higher than nowadays. Add to it the fact that lots of 'name brand' items are merely knockoffs. So far this place doesn't seem to be all I was lead to believe it was. No doubt not all I thought it would be anyway.


Then, to top it off, I have to wait in this excruciatingly long lineup for what seems like hours. Just so I can give them all my money. I'm beginning to think this WalMart gig might not be all it's cracked up to be.

The more I gaze around the room, checking out all the other people waiting in line with me, I gotta admit I started to get a bit freaked out. It was very apparent that a few of them were even more on edge than I was and no doubt about to run out of patience.


That's when it hit me. Like my first AA meeting. That feeling of knowing you're not like 'them' and you sure as hell don't belong there. Yes, I fell for all the advertising, all the marketing mumbo jumbo and I usually know better than to fall for all this stuff. But I had to find out for myself and no doubt, I did.

No more of this crap, time to go! And with that I decided enough was enough. I left my cart right where it was, filled with all the items from my list and just walked out the door. Of course, not without sayin' goodbye to the Greeter before I walked out. C'mon, she had a great body. I'm only human.


After trudging my way back across the parking lot and getting back in my car, I reflected on what I had just experienced. What a workout. All that time I wasted, a giant list of stuff that I had to leave behind, what a complete disaster. Well, except for the Greeter, that was the only bright spot. Still though, I don't think it was worth it. Chalk it up to experience I guess.

As I turn the key to start my car, I begin to realize that there's no way I can go home empty handed. That would make the entire day a complete waste of time. I guess I have no other choice. If you need to get ahold of me, I'll be at Target.