Take A Chance, What Have You Got To Lose?

I recently found myself re-reading my last Post and it struck me as not so much being incomplete as it was lacking in telling the entire story, if that makes any sense. While I started off with a particular thought in mind and I felt I said what I wanted to say in that regard, I also touched on a couple other 'points' but I wasn't able to delve into them as much as I would have liked to.

Not so much as an excuse but with my Moms passing a couple months ago, I haven't written anywhere near as much as I had been writing prior to that. To be honest, my heart just wasn't in it. Well, that's not exactly correct, it's more like my heart was too far in it. I was feeling so heartbroken that I knew that no matter what came out of my heart through my writing and 'landed' on the screen was gonna be at the very least a tear jerker and when I'm feeling that way, I end up spending more time sobbing myself than I do typing. Extremely unproductive as you can well imagine. And so I avoided writing to a degree. Matter of fact, I've only written two Posts since the end of September and prior to that, I was on a roll and writing two or three posts a week. And when you're posts average 2000 words, that's alot of 'thoughts' to suddenly keep bottled up inside.



And so even though I'm by no means 'healed', I find myself back at the keyboard. Unfortunately, my heart is still feeling rather heavy and as such my subject matter might take on a similar tone. But at the risk of being glum, I needed to get back to my writing. And since everything I write is from my heart, as they say, it's not gonna be all sunshine, lollipops and roses.

Trust me, I wish it was. I have the same desires as everyone else, to be happy 24/7 and I'll be the first to admit that I know damn well that that's not anywhere near possible but I'd like to see if I can come close to that anyway. But I can already tell by what I've written so far that my heart is still hangin' way lower than usual. Not quite in the dirt like it was a couple months ago but without a doubt nowhere near where it should be.



And that is kinda what sparked me to write this post. I noticed a status update on a Facebook friends wall a bit earlier tonight and it reminded me of a Post that I had written quite awhile back. For those that are unfamiliar with my Blog or my writing in general, everything I write about comes from deep within my heart and soul and everything I write is based on a thought I've had or am currently thinking.

No doubt I do my best to add in a bit of humor here and there whenever possible, doing my best to lighten the mood. I have enjoyed making people laugh, or attempting to anyway, from as far back as I can remember. It makes me feel good to be able to 'take the edge off' for someone else and quite often that's at my own expense. Yes, I'm not afraid of self depricating humor as I seem to be a 'factory' for things to laugh at about myself. No doubt sometimes it helps me as well to be able to laugh at myself.



Which is why everything I write has basically two motivations, to help myself deal with a thought, a feeling or a mood that I'm encountering at the time and secondly, if I can help to ease the 'pain' of someone else that is or has experienced a similar feeling, then that just makes it all the better. My goal has always been to spill my guts in hopes that someone else can learn from my experiences. And I find that when I jot down my thoughts, I can deal with them better as well. Especially when I can go back and read them again, a year later.

Sometimes I find that I've learned a lesson and made some progress in a certain area and other times, the news isn't as good and I find that I'm still 'stuck' or even worse, have backtracked on a subject that I had hoped to at the very least make progress and possibly even conquer. Which is exactly what happened this time. After browsing over an earlier post, it appears I haven't learned anything at all. At least not what I set out to conquer anyway. I'm still in the same boat, possibly even taking on water and missing an oar at this point.



So, that brings up the question. Now that I have no way of hiding from it, because as we all know, no matter where we go, there we are. And we can stick our heads as far down in the sand as possible but knowing that we have to come up for air at some point, there's a pretty good chance that the reason we went underground will still be waiting for us when we pull our head out. Out of the sand, that is.

I found myself wondering why I haven't gotten any further in this department. Is it fear? Probably. But fear of what? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of rejection? Fear of the unknown? Fear of fear?I would have to believe that fear of some sort is what stops most of us from just about everything in life. And we've all heard the acronym False Evidence Appearing Real and no doubt, it does more than apprear real, it IS real! Why else would we be so afraid?



I'm sure that I fall prey to most of those 'reasons' except for perhaps the fear of success. I don't think I'm so much afraid of success as I am afraid that I will never get to the point where I have enough of it. I have extremely high expectations of myself. Which is in itself kinda scary but it's quite possible that that's a good kind of scary. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. But success or lack of is not the number one thing on my mind and so I have to feel that there is some other form of fear holding me back from being and doing all I want in life.

That's when it dawned on me. It's not exactly fear of one thing in particular, it's what happens 'after' that I'm afraid of. Yes, what happens after is what scares the hell outta me! I'm sure you know the feeling. The feeling that comes draggin' along after you fail. At whatever it is. The disappointment, the letdown, the bummer of it all. Finding out that whatever it is you were hoping for, working towards, bustin' your ass to accomplish is basically over and done. No more need to continue working towards that goal, it's over. Finished. The End!




All your hopes, dreams, plans, everything that you had to look forward to, all of the fuel for your fire is wiped out in a split second. All of the 'tools' that you used to get up out of bed each and every day, used to spur you on to bigger and better things, a better person, all gone now. Then what do you do. How do you find anything to go forward with after that?

That's when you begin to think about just how difficult it was to come up with all the gusto you had to muster up in the first place just to get you to the point where you were standing now, crushed and heartbroken. All that effort.....and for what? Just to stand there (or lay there, as the case may be) and be in an even worse place than you were before you began the journey. The journey of hope. The journey of manifesting a dream.


How many times had you told yourself, this time it's gonna happen. This time it's gonna all work out. I just know it, this is finally gonna be the time everything goes my way. And yet, sure as hell, there you are, feeling as if you have just totally wasted all that time and effort. In fact you would have probably been better off had you never even made the attempt in the first place. At least that's how you're feeling right then but is that necessarily true?

I mean, sure you could have avoided the failure or the heartbreak or whatever lousy feeling you're experiencing but if you really give it some thought, I'm sure you'll begin to realize that you must have been feeling some form of discontent in the first place to have even taken on something with such a large possibility of heartache if you were to fail. Being 'new', the disappointment is at it's strongest at that point which only makes you question your decision that much more. But again, you must have really needed to 'know' if it was a possibility, otherwise you never would have taken it on in the first place.

And this is what triggered me to write this post. I have been doing alot of thinking lately, alot of should I or shouldn't I about something that, depending on whether or not I continue further with my thought process, could either turn out to be a major positive in my life or a huge disaster. And this is where my evil nemesis, fear comes into play.



Common sense tells me not to even attempt to take it any further. Based on the 'history' of how things similar to this have gone for me, common sense says to just cut my losses and forget about it. Learn to live with all the wondering and the questions that already bombard my brain and hope that eventually all of that 'noise' will begin to fade. And jeez, if it was that easy to forget about I probably would have already done it. But it's anything but easy to forget about.

Yet the 'penalty' for risking it, for taking a chance, for putting forth the effort to find out if it could be a possibility is huge unto itself. The loss could and would be devastating. Not only from my feelings being destroyed but from the repercussions and the shockwaves that it could send throughout all involved.

But the other side of the 'loss' is what I'm guaranteed to lose by not taking a chance on finding out for myself what the 'answer' actually is. Rather than predetermining the outcome, shouldn't I be willing to risk it if it really means that much to me? Hmmm......



I mean, I'm smart and all but I'll be the first to admit that I don't know everything. Not the least of which is what someone else is thinking or the outcome that they could possibly have pictured in their mind or for that matter, even if they're on the same wavelength and even thinking about it in the slightest. And so the roller coaster begins, the endless cycle of doubt and second guessing and with each yes, another no flys by to counteract it. By that point, you're pretty much just along for the ride. Swimming in a sea of self doubt and let me be the first to tell you, there are alot of of sharks in those waters, ready to take a big ol' bite out of you!

So do I sit back, shut up and suffer in silence or do I speak up, let my thoughts be known and possibly get crushed. Do I throw common sense and my perception of reality out the window and allow in the possibility of a major dream coming true? How much influence should common sense hold? More than the possible bliss of a dream coming true? Is common sense actually another form of reality or just like anything else, another form of perception and up to each of us to determine exactly what it is. I truly believe that perception is a big key to everything. Boy, this is where being a mind reader would really come in handy.

One thing that I do know for sure. If I don't pursue it, if I don't ask what it is I want to ask then the answer will without a doubt be no. How could it be otherwise? If you don't ask for something, you'll never get it. But if I do risk it all, take a huge chance and put everything on the line, then there's a slight possibility that the answer could be yes. Sure, things could go horribly wrong and even more things could be ruined by asking but the anxiety of not knowing and the possibility of a dream come true not manifesting has a way of getting very heavy as well.

I've taken some risks in my life before and I haven't always come out on the good side of things but on those rare occasions that I have conquered, it was oh so worth it. To know that I looked fear straight on and beat it was only icing on the cake. But as we all know, just writing down our goals and dreams is only half the battle. Achieving them also requires action. And therefore, if you need me, I'll be the guy with his head in the sand, doing a bit of thinking, mustering up the courage to make a decision of some kind.

If you find that you can relate to fear and being afraid to take risks, I'd enjoy hearing your comments and if you know someone who might enkoy this post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with them.

Who Me? Give Up? Not Likely

OK, so I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'd like to think I'm smart enough to know when to give up, to throw in the towel so to speak. I mean, isn't there like some kind of a signal from above, some sort of a sign to let us know when it's time to bail?


Lately, well I really shouldn't say lately as this has been a situation that I've been struggling with for quite some time now. And no doubt I'm not the only one who battles this dilemma on a regular basis. Surely it's a question people have been asking themselves since the beginning of time. When is it ok to give up?




When is it finally ok to say to yourself, enough is enough, I'm done fighting this battle, there's just no way it's ever gonna happen, no possibility whatsoever of it ever coming true?


Now, when I say it, basically that could mean anything, from your hopes and dreams to your aspirations, your goals, anything in your life that you strive for. Anything that you're motivated about, anything you hope to accomplish.


Well, I for one am not so sure there is a certain point that defines the perfect time to give up. Nope, I don't think it's gonna be that easy. Wouldn't that be great if it were that cut 'n dry?




Oh heck yeah, it sure would. If everything in life had a time limit on it then you'd know when to say when, you'd know when you could just say enough is enough, pick up your toys and go home.



At least it would give you a point of reference to look forward to and your goals could be so much more manageable knowing that you only had to put in a certain amount of effort for a specified amount of time and whatever the results were, you would know that you did the best you could with the amount of time that you had available.


And after your time expired, you were in essence off the hook. Good, bad or otherwise, wherever you stood at that point was just going to be the way it is. Dang, that sounds easy doesn't it? How sweet would it be to have everything in your life mapped out for you like that?




But on the other hand, how boring it would be as well. Not that you'd know the exact outcome of everything in your future, but you'd have a pretty close guesstimate. And you could almost predict your future just by altering the amount of effort you put forth. Yep, BORING CENTRAL!

Well then, without an expiration date of sorts, how are we supposed to know when it's ok to quit trying? To let go of our dreams. Is there a certain amount of times that we have to be told "NO, you can't do this....can't have that.....can't date her.....", whatever the case may be? And if so, what gives someone else the authority to tell us that we can't anything?



Nope, I don't see that working either. If you're anything like me and absolutely hate to quit trying, at anything, then I'm sure you'll agree that the last thing you want is someone telling you what to do. Telling you basically when it's ok to officially become a failure. No thanks, not gonna work for me, that's for sure.



Sheesh, it sounds like quitting isn't gonna be as easy as everyone says it is. I mean, doesn't everybody say that quitting is the easy way out? That's the way I heard it anyway. I'm beginning to get the impression that they're completely wrong about it.


I also seem to recall hearing something about quitters being losers. Nobody wants to be referred to as a loser, do they? I would have to imagine that it wouldn't be a sought after title, that's for sure.




They only positive quote I've ever heard in regards to quitting was the often used and well worn "Sobriety is for quitters." I guess that's about one of the only times it's good to be a quitter. No doubt you could also include all of the other vices in the same sentence and they'd all make sense. But other than those few, being a quitter is nothing to be proud of.

Yet there must come a time that we have to face the music, read the writing on the wall and come to a point that we just have to stop trying. The intersection of lack of effort and giving up, that ugly as hell place known as failure. Correct?


I think, in fact I know that that's exactly where I have to say "No, I don't agree." For me failure is a huge problem, a bitter pill that I am unable to swallow, no matter what the situation.



Is it fear of looking like an idiot, a fool? That could be part of it, more than likely a huge part. But for me it's more of an inside thing. While it does bother me to have others see me as a failure of sorts, as someone that didn't accomplish their goals, it's ME that I'm truly concerned about. How will I feel about ME if I give up, if I quit trying. If I just don't give it my all and do my best.

I guess I've been out to prove something (not exactly sure what that something is) my entire life. My Father, in his attempts to get me to do my best tried to beat perseverance into me, one swing of the belt at a time but what he failed to realize was that being the best I could be was already ingrained in me from my first breath. I knew no different.



It wasn't anything that he had to instill in me, anything he had to force upon me, I wanted to, no, I needed to do my best. In every circumstance, in every situation. Sure, like any other kid, I was hoping for my Dads approval. Hoping to make Dad proud and also hoping for a miracle. The miracle of him saying "Good job son, I'm proud of you."

Of course, as I would come to learn, that wasn't gonna happen but that never stopped me from wanting to do my best. At everything I ever did. Not that I can honestly say that I always did my best but there's no doubt in my mind that I always wanted to.

Call it pride, or ego, or just plain being a perfectionist, any way you choose to look at it, I've always demanded the most out of myself. No doubt I'm my own worst critic. Noone can be any harder on me....than ME. That's why giving up isn't an option.



I also have someone very special watching over me from up above that would surely be disappointed in me if I ever gave up and there's just no way I ever want to let her down.

So where exactly does that leave me? If I can't give up, if I can't allow myself to quit, am I doomed to a life of never reaching my goals, never accomplishing what I want in life? Jeez, I sure hope not.

But at the same time, to just quit trying would surely mean that I would never realize my dreams. At least if I keep trying, there's a small, miniscule chance of good things happening. Sure, along with that chance comes loads of despair and disappointment but with that 1% possibility of something good happening in my life, something finally going my way, I'm unable to just take the hint and walk away.



One of my favorite sayings and to be honest, I'm not even sure it's an actual quote and if so, who even said it but it goes something like this. ~You can never ever give up because you don't know who or what is waiting for you just around the next corner.~

I think that quote says so much about perseverance, forging ahead in the face of adversity and just never giving up, NO MATTER WHAT! And with these words as my mantra I will continue to forge ahead, knowing that good things are waiting ahead for me. It's only a matter of time.





If you can relate to wanting to just give up at times or perhaps, like me, unable to know when it's ok to give up, I'd enjoy hearing about it and if you enjoyed this Post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.

Wow, How Lucky Am I?

Yes, I truly am one of the luckiest people ever. Not many people can say that they were able to meet their Guardian Angel in real life. To say that meeting you was a life changing experience doesn't even begin to do you justice.

Although I made an attempt to put into words in a previous Post exactly how we met, You Were Right On Time, words don't even seem to be enough to begin to describe what my Angel has done for me. In fact I know they aren't but words are all I have.

I had no idea when we first met how much my life would change, more so how my outlook on life and my future would change. She helped me turn my despair into drive, desire and motivation. Motivation to make my life the best it can be.

At the time we met, I was going through a complete life transformation of sorts. No doubt I was pretty much on an emotional roller coaster, extremely unsure if all the changes that I was implementing in my life were actually a good thing, not to mention the unsure feeling of not knowing whether or not I could actually stay on track to make them happen. To say I was a basket case is a complete understatement.



While I'd like to think that I have a bit of inner strength, courage and even a hint of willpower, as I've come to learn over these last four years I have much more of each of those traits than I even realized. But I'm unsure as to whether or not I had ANY of those traits prior to meeting my Angel.

Yet, for those that know me, they know I'm an open book and so I never hesitated in letting her know what was on my mind and the struggles I was going through. She never judged me, never looked down on me or held my issues against me. She continued to lift me up, seemingly carrying me on her shoulders, never letting me give up. To say that she schooled me on perseverance is putting it mildly.

When I found myself feeling down and unsure about my future, she continued to force me to look at the positive side of what seemed like a completely negative situation, never letting me fall into my self made trap.



I did my best to describe in an earlier Post just how much having her in my life has meant to me, My Dearest Annabelle, but again, it's just not possible to describe the impact she has had on my life in mere words.

I recently reached a four year milestone of sorts and I KNOW for a fact that if it hadn't been for the life lessons she has taught me, actually reaching this point would have been so much more of a battle. She set the bar so high for strength and courage that there was just no way I could give up or give in. Quitting was NOT an option.

While people may talk about courage in the face of extreme adversity, I dare them to face what she faced on a daily basis and not completely buckle. Not only did she talk the talk, she truly walked the walk and set an example for me that I can only hope to strive for. And I do my best to live up to her expectations on a daily basis.



I find myself being tested quite often these days, seemingly even more so than I have in the past and while I thought those hurdles were insurmountable at the time, of course I've come to learn that somehow I made it through them. Thanks to my Angel, I was able to conquer those problems and continue moving forward to make a better life for myself.

Sure, my life is nowhere near perfect but who's is? Even the richest people on earth have bad days, wake up miserable and ungrateful for what they have. Noone is immune to problems in their lives but as they say, it's not what happens to us that determines our future, it's how we respond to those situations that determines how they will affect our lives.



As I've come to learn, this couldn't be any more true. I was taught this principle by a woman that conquered more in her lifetime than any of us should ever have to endure. She was, is and always will be my pillar of strength. My shining example of how ones life should be lived.


Strength, Courage, Determination and Perseverance have become more than mere words to me, they are the principles that determine how my life should be lived. My Angel taught me that.

While I sometimes struggle to keep these principles in the foreframe of my mind, whenever I find myself feeling down or up against some type of adversity, all I have to do is think about how my Angel would respond in this same situation and I'm able to persevere through the perceived obstacle, fighting my way through to a feeling of accomplishment I never would have known had I just given up and thrown in the towel.



We all have daily struggles, no doubt about that but I know that I am truly one of the luckiest people alive because I have my Guardian Angel watching over me. Thanks to her, I know that the only way I can ever fail is to give up. To give up fighting for my dreams. She taught me that failure is NOT an option.

Thank you Annabelle, from the deepest part of my heart and soul. Thank you for everything you have taught me about life and how it should be lived. To be grateful for every minute of life that we are given. I do my best to show you every day that all the lessons you taught me were not in vain. I strive to be the best ME I can be.

While I will never be able to pay you back for all you've done and continue to do for me on a daily basis, I hope that as you're watching me from up above, that I can make you proud of what I do and who I strive to become.

I had never considered myself to be a lucky person whatsoever, in fact completely the opposite. But you have shown me all of the positive things I have going for me in my life and while I may not have everything in my life that I'm working towards, yet anyway, I know that as long as I continue putting everything I have into building the life of my dreams, anything I desire is truly possible.




Annabelle, I miss you every minute of the day and night and I want you to know that there isn't a second that goes by that you aren't on my mind and in my heart. I love you and you will forever be with me in my heart.

Exactly Where DOES Motivation Come From?

Motivate: To provide with a motive. Motive: A conscious or unconscious need, drive, etc., that incites a person to some action or behavior; incentive; goal. Ok, that's all fine and dandy. Basically, if you break it down, Motivation is the required ingredient needed to get ones butt in gear! At least that's my take on it anyway.



Without motivation, nothing is gonna happen. Nothing is gonna change. No moving forward....with ANYTHING. Without it, you're pretty much screwed! Looks like lots of couch time is in your future, that's for sure. So where can you go to get some of this motivation stuff?





It's not like they have a huge chain of stores, like a Motivation Depot, MotivationMart or perhaps a MotivationRus kinda thing. Nope, it ain't gonna be that easy. Hell, if motivation was that easy to find, everybody would have it. Jeez, how cool would that be, to see everybody flyin' around, bein' productive, gettin' stuff accomplished, livin' their dreams? Pretty cool, I'd say.



Nope, this is even harder to find than a Crack Dealer on a Detroit street corner. Oh, come to think of it, just about anything is harder to find than Crack in Detroit. Bad analogy. How about harder to find than a $2 Hooker in Detroit? Jeez, that might not be so hard to find either. Anyway, forget the analogies. let's just leave it at motivation can be friggin' hard to find. How's that?





So what do you do if your Tank~O~Moto is empty? Are you just plain outta luck? Do you just give up, pack it in and call it over and done? No doubt that's not the way to go. If we all did that, they'd have to start making tons of new couches for everybody to lay around on.




Hey, wait a minute. All those couches would require businesses to manufacture them, which would require employees to run the machines that build the couches, which would require more employees to run the Stores that sell the couches, next thing you know, the Economy is jammin'! Holy crap, I just invented a new Stimulus Package!



Only one problem. This is only stimulating the population to lay around and not do anything. And lazy people hate to be stimulated into doing anything. That would basically cancel all the plans for those people on Welfair. So I guess that's not such a good thing after all. Bummer, thought I was really on to something for a minute there.





Ok then, so exactly how & where are we gonna find us some of that good stuff? That oh so elusive elixur, that missing ingredient from lifes recipe, some motivation because without it, we can't even begin to cook.




When it comes right down to it, looks like we're gonna have to make our own. Yep, we're gonna have to find it....somewhere....somehow.....no matter the cost. Without it, we're surely doomed to a life of misery and so it's imperative that we do whatever it takes, WHATEVER IT TAKES to find some motivation!




Why not try goal setting? Yeah, that's it. If we set goals, in order to achieve them we are gonna need some motivation. So is this to say that goals create motivation? Not in a direct way but they are intertwined. Without motivation of some sort it would be very difficult to reach any goal that you have set for yourself.



But what is it that creates our goals? Is it our dreams? Possibly. Our dreams help to propel us forward towards the things that we want out of life. Whether it be material, spiritual or otherwise, I think most would agree that just about everything in life begins with a dream.





Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Yes, I truly believe that so much in life is created by our dreams. Our dreams create hope, giving us the passion necessary to move forward towards achieving our goals, in essence giving us our motivation. Our motivation to strive for more. More out of life. More out of ourselves.

Don't be afraid to dream....because without your dreams....you have nothing.



If you have any thoughts regarding dreams, goals, motivation, anything of the sort, I'd enjoy hearing about them and if you liked this Post, please share it with your friends.

Add It To The List

What is that saying again? A thought without action is just a dream? Something like that. Well, that truly seems to fit me perfectly. Lately anyway. Well, now that I think about it, for quite some time now I have had lots of trouble getting anything accomplished. While my mantra had always been, "Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?", I had hoped to change that aspect of my personality. I'm sure there are others out there like myself. Oh, you know who you are. So many dreams, too much time. Paralysis by Analysis. The list goes on and on. I'm sure there is a bit of procrastinator in all of us.


Don't get me wrong, this is surely not something that I am in any way proud of but as with any flaw, be it physical, emotional or otherwise, the only way to overcome and to get beyond it, in essence to recover from it is to first admit that there is a problem. Only then can it be conquered. Once and for all.


Where to begin? I've known that I've suffered from this ailment for quite some time but for some strange reason I just assumed it would disappear on its own. Yet it hasn't. Go figure. Naturally I thought some kind of selective Mind Magic would just unprogram it from my brain and I would instantly run around getting all kinds of stuff accomplished. Yet, here we are, nearing the end of 2009 with no sign of a 'dethroning' in the near future. The King of Procrastination is alive and well. Unfortunately, he is me.

Not that I wouldn't like to give up the throne, to crown a new King. Oh, how I would enjoy that but it's not exactly as easy as one might think. Turns out there are many others equally as qualified as I am, yet they continue to procrastinate and never step up to assume this glorious position of power. Perhaps someone will in the near future but more than likely not. Only time will tell.


Time. It's one of our most, if not THE most precious resource we have. One that we can never get back. Once it's gone, it's gone forever, never to return. Strange isn't it, how we continue to waste it as if it's a renewable commodity that will never end. Unfortunately, as far as I know, that is surely not the case. We only have one life to live. This isn't a practice run, a dress rehearsal. This is it, the real deal, good or bad, for better or worse. This is the only chance we have to make it happen, to live the life we want, the life of our dreams.


Why is it then that we continue to put things off, excuse after excuse, merely to stay in our 'comfort zone'? If your comfort zone is anything like mine, in actuality when you really think about it, it pretty much sucks. Worst part is that even though I know mine sucks, it's still a place I like to hang out because for the most part I have a really good idea of what's there and I guess that's what makes it so comfy. Add to that the fact that it's chock full of all kinds of excuses and who in their right mind would ever want to leave such a fabulous place? Well, I for one. I'm sick and tired....of being sick and tired.


All of the changes that I had planned on making after 2008, which up to that point in my life had been one of the worst years on record, have definitely not even begun to materialize. Not in the slightest and while I truly believed that with all the devastation of that year, 2009 just HAD to be better but in fact it turned out to be even worse than '08. Now that's saying alot and none of it good.


So with '09 coming to a close I'm being forced to ask myself how could this have ever happened? With '08 being so miserable, how did I not learn from that? I was without a doubt going to do everything in my power to make '09 so much better. Why then didn't all my scheduled 'changes' take place? After all, they were on my List of things to do. Some of them were even labeled Top Priority! You know, The List. The list that for some reason continues to get longer rather than shorter. Check one thing off, add two, check another off, add two more in it's place.


Hmmm, I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here. No wonder any feelings of accomplishment that might possibly occur are quickly wiped away by the vast amounts of Post Its strewn about my desk and the surrounding walls. Ok, also the ones on the bathroom mirrors, refridgerator doors, car dashboards, you get the picture. Next thing you know, you're swimming in a sea of 'post its' wondering how in the hell am I ever going to tackle all this stuff? And so at that point you have no option other than to just hop on the EZ Train. Next stop, the Comfy Zone! Overwhelmed with Paralysis by Analysis and Precision Indecision, it's very easy to head for the Fountain of Excuses. That endless gold mine of built in reasons for never getting anything done.


Like it or not, this all comes right back to me, falling in my lap with a huge thud. Dang it! Not that I like to play the 'blame game' but with all my high hopes, how on earth could this be my fault? Yet it is my fault, nobody else I can lay the blame on. Even with all my great intentions, apparently I rarely seem to take action on any of my thoughts and as such they continue to remain in the dream stage. Who'd a thunk it? Me, of all people. I used to be the guy that would set a goal and follow through on it but obviously that has all changed. It's not that I give up. It's more that I guilt out.


That's it, time's up! I refuse to lose again in 2010! I have got to come up with a way to remember the misery of the last two, make that three years to insure that 2010 is not a repeat performance. How do I go about that? What is the best way to guard against continuing this downward spiral, allowing me to redirect my life in a more positive direction and moving forward on a more positive path towards achieving all of my goals?


Seems to me that the first thing I need to do....is to do the first thing. That should be simple enough, right? That appears to be where most of my troubles begin, with a failure to even take that first step. It's not so much the fear of failure as I have pretty much always been able to do anything that I set my mind to. But it's more the inability to even choose which step to take first, to make a decision on which direction to take and to stick with it long enough to know for sure if it's the path I should be taking or not. Lately I seem to bail on my choices shortly after getting started out of pure guilt, a nagging fear that I am wasting too much time, yet I have wasted so much time already by not following through on anything. Which of course only leads to more guilt. What a vicious cycle.


This has got to change and so with that, I will somehow force myself to pick a direction and see it through so that I know for certain that I've explored it's full potential. Right or wrong, at least I will come away with the satisfaction of knowing I gave it my best shot.


Of course along with that comes the fact that I will have to change my mantra. Something more along the lines of "Why put off until tomorrow, what I CAN do today?" Hmmm, I think I like that one better anyway. From here on out I will be relegating the throne to whomever may want to take over my kingdom. Needless to say, only true procrastinators need apply. I'm going to build a new Kingdom, one of my own choosing. Not one I inherited by default but one that I created, filled with all the hopes, dreams and accomplishments of which I know I'm truly capable of yet I have postponed for a lifetime.


So that also means it's time for a new List. Not merely another Post It tacked on top of the millions of others but an entirely clean slate. This time I will also force myself to check items off at relatively the same pace at which I am adding other items to it. First thing on the list? Take Action! CHECK!!!

I Have Been Warned...or should I say "WARNERED"?

Yes, you're right. I should have known better. And even though I didn't want to face facts, I had an idea it might happen but yet, I still had to try. If I never tried, I never would have known for sure and that feeling of not knowing, gnawing away at me wouldn't have been any less painful and so I had to give it my best shot and let the cards fall where they may.


I decided to make my own Mind Movie. Now, I'm sure most of you out there know what I'm referring to but for those that don't here's a quickie explanation. Basically a Mind Movie is a 'Vision Board' turned in to a Video, streaming along with the music of your choice. Meant to inspire you to chase after your dreams, remain focused on your goals and to pursue your passions. While a Vision Board is just a static collection of pictures meant to inspire you, a Mind Movie has much more of an impact on the mind. You are also able to add various pieces of text, here 'n' there which adds a bit of a 'subliminal messaging' kind of a feel to your movie.


All of this in hopes of helping to remind you of why you're going through all the daily stuggles, the trials and tribulations of life and enabling you to stay focused on your goals and dreams. We all can use a constant reminder to help us stay on track, a way of keeping the negativity at bay.


So I began to make a list of most of the 'things' I wanted for myself, my family and my friends. Not necessarily just things in a tangible sense, like cars, etc. but basically the way I wanted my entire life to be overall.


First step, gotta be Google to find lots of pictures to fill my Video with. Next thing you know, I have too many pictures but I can always narrow it down to the chosen few. OK, I now have a pretty good idea of which ones I'll use here. Some aren't exactly what I'd hoped for but they will do as reminders to help me stay focused and on track.


Then it's on to finding the right music to go along with my movie. Hmmm.... should I get something to pump me up, like a Rocky Theme or something along those lines? Or perhaps one of my favorite songs? One that brings back good memories, back when life was good? Not that life was ever really that good but with time comes faded memories and some of the bad stuff has a way of disappearing. Hmmm, with or without lyrics? Jeez, didn't realize that this would be the most difficult part. Finally had a pretty good idea of what I wanted. Now, how to get that song downloaded, saved and then add it to my video.


That whole process turned out to be a project in itself but again, thanks to Google and all the other wonderful people on the internet that have had to struggle with that as well, I was able to find the info needed to tackle it and so I finally had my song of choice added to my video.


Of course, it was then that I noticed the rather large discrepancy between the length of my song and the timeline of my pictures. No need to worry, I still have to add in all the text boxes, the subliminal messaging and so with those added to the mix, should help to lengthen the video overall and bring things a little more in line. I wanted the pictures to end at the exact same time as the song. I mean, what self respecting music video director/producer/editor would have it any other way?


Hadn't realized how difficult it was going to be to come up with 'stuff' to say, meaningful little messages to myself throughout the video that would inspire and motivate me. And so off to You Tube I went in search of other Mind Movies to find a bit of inspiration. I began noticing that they were all basically very similar. "Here's my Yacht, Here I am flying my plane, Here I am driving my new Lamborghini." I didn't want such a 'generic' video, one that was more or less a one size fits all. I wanted my video to be a bit more personalized, like my pictures are and so I decided to go through the pictures I had already selected and add my 'sayings' according to the different places and things in my storyline.


Wow, I'm kinda liking this. It's finally starting to take shape. So after adding all my text, my song was still longer than the length of my video. Not wanting the song to come to an abrupt ending, just when the vibes were starting to feel really good, I needed to add a few pictures in various places in order to make everything copasetic at the end. Voila, looks like everything lines up. Pictures and the audio all seem to stop in the same place. Damn I'm good! But something's still not quite right. Hmmm....


Got it! The song just goes so great with the pictures but things would flow even better if the pictures were arranged to go with certain parts of the song. I had no idea how addicting this video editing thing can be but what a difference it's making. Syncing the pictures with the high and lows of the music really adds to the feeling of the pictures, the text and the overall video. So after a bit more tweaking, I had to call it done. While there are still a couple things I'd like to change, overall I'm reasonably happy with the finished product. Especially for my first attempt at a music video. HA HA!

BRYANS MIND MOVIE



OK then, save it to my computer and I'm done. Now I have a video I can watch any time I wanna get motivated, stoked on life. Then it occured to me, might as well add it to my You Tube Channel. I haven't posted a new video there in months so no doubt I really need to anyway. This should work out great, way under the 'time limit' that You Tube specifies and giving my subscribers a little more inside info on me as a person has to be a good thing, right?


A couple of clicks and let the uploading begin. While that's going on, I'm filling in the video titile, description, tags, all that stuff and after a few minutes I get the message that everything has uploaded and I'm good to go. Woo Hoo, mission accomplished! Another video added to my Channel. Then up pops the message saying that the audio portion of my video has been disabled, muted, shut down. What? Disabled? How can that be? They say that it's a copyright issue but this song is on tons of other You Tube videos so it really makes no sense. Then they send me a link to some 'library' of random BS songs that are nowhere near the right length, let alone the same 'feeling' of my video. After spending all that time editing, making sure the song was aligned with the pictures the best way I could, just wasn't gonna happen. Wouldn't do my video justice to have some other random song on there.


Of course I took it a bit further to see how others were getting around this situation and basically, if your video is muted by WMG then you are out of luck. So after looking over the library of offerings, just in case I could find something 'close' that will allow me to post the video anyway, I see that now they have removed my video entirely. Who knows what happened, just a complete removal. I guess my video was just so damn good that they felt threatened by my editing skills as well as the use of 'their' song. I did see a couple places where people mentioned that this whole copyright thing should be worked out sometime in January but I'm not gonna hold my breath, that's for sure.


So it looks as if I'm going to have to keep my Mind Movie to myself, which is how it was originally intended anyway. Kind of a shame as I wanted to be able to see it when I went to my You Tube Channel but I don't want to risk having my entire Channel deleted, so I'm not about to press the issue.


Then it occured to me, I wonder if I can post it on my own Blog? Might as well give it a shot. Took me quite a bit of effort, getting the movie formatted so that it will play inside my post along with a 'player' that would do the same thing. And so with tons of trial and error, I seem to have conquered the issue and the movie and player are both embedded within my post. This will definitely make it much easier next time I want to include a video so even though it was a struggle, to know that I persevered and made it happen, that's huge for me. Especially since I'm so computer illiterate.


So let this be a lesson to others out there that hope to have their video on You Tube, better check with the library first. You have been warned.....