Hi Grandma, It's Bryan, I'm Calling To Wish You A Happy Birthday

"Hi Grandma, it's Bryan, I'm calling to say Happy Birthday! Can you believe you're 94 today?" Oh, how I wish I really could make this call but unfortunatley my Grandma is no longer with us. She passed in February of '09 and to be honest, I still cry when I think about her being gone.

Oh, I know it's real and I know she's gone but she was such a huge part of my childhood, my entire life and she holds a very special place in my heart.



Some of the earliest memories I have are of being at Grandma and Grandpas house for the best Thanksgivings ever. She sure knew how to cook a turkey (way before they ever invented the little Red Popper Upper thingy) that's for sure but it was the gravy, that chunky (filled with all kinds of 'innards' as I would come to learn later on) gravy that really made the turkey what it was and the Ambrosia (a fancy way of sayin' Fruit Salad) was just incredible.


No canned Cranberry Sauce for her, no way and it was the same with the Pumpkin Pie, no store bought action there either. The huge table, with it's antique table cloth, fancy plates and real silverware, was covered in numerous marvelous dishes. So many fixins that basically all you could do is eat two bites of each item and then it was time to hit the couch. You were pretty much done for the day.

And that's even if you didn't eat dinner the night before, which I often did to make sure I had room to squeeze in every delectable bite I could of Grandmas Thanksgiving Feast! Then to top it off, we always left with a ton of leftovers so it was a week of turkey sandwiches and fixins, which I enjoyed as much as my Mom did, because she basically got a week off from cooking. No doubt it was a win/win.



We also spent numerous Christmas' with my Grandparents and the word special is an understatement. Oh how they loved Xmas, and so did me and my sister. Grandmas house for any of the Holidays always spelled FUN!

Another stand out for me were all the trips to Disneyland. I was born in Anaheim and we lived just down the street from D~Land. My Grandma took my sister and I more times than I can even count.



As we got older, we were able to cruise around the entire Magic Kingdom on our own, which was super sweet. Grandma would set a time and we'd meet her back at the Pirates of the Caribbean or the Submarine Ride.

I can still remember bein' around 10 or 11 and I was on the hunt for girls that were without their parents and I actually kinda 'hooked up' (in those days that meant we went through the Haunted House together) with a girl (as I look back, she might have been a 'Cougar', as I was into older fourteen year old women back then) and I ended up getting back late to meet my Grandma, who was pretty much on fire at that point! I don't think she swatted me in front of the entire world but I definitely received a stearn lecture of sorts.



She wasn't afraid to take charge of the situation as she definitely had discipline down to a science but she also had the biggest heart when it came to us kids. Now, keep in mind I might be sayin' that last part because I was her favorite, I'm not sure.

But then I'll bet she bought us chocolate covered frozen bananas right after that. That's the kind of Grandma she was, tough but soft. Hmmmm, I wonder if that's where my chocolate addiction first took hold?



As we grew up, she continued to be there for us. Although Thanksgivings and Christmas' weren't really the same after my parents divorced (when I was 14), I still loved my Grandma as much as ever and cherished the times that I did get to see her.

For those that read my previous post (http://www.bryangira.com/life-is-short-dont-put-it-off) on her 93rd Birthday, I won't go into it here but suffice it to say that as time went on, I didn't put forth the effort that I should have in regards to visiting her. And like a ton of bricks, it came crashing down on me when I found out it was too late. My Grandma was diagnosed with Dementia, early Alzheimers, and spent her last years not knowing who I was.

But I don't want this post to turn into a tear fest (any more than it already is) and so I want to continue to focus on what a wonderful, caring, giving, loving woman that she was and as far as I'm concerned, the Best Grandma EVER!


Grandma, I miss you more than you'll ever know....and Happy 94th Birthday!

Love, Bryan

If you've had a similar situation with any of your family members, if you can relate in any way, I'd love to hear about it and if you enjoyed this Post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.

From Disaster.... Comes Opportunity

Yes, believe it or not, disaster does create opportunity. Now, you may be saying to yourself, that statement sounds utterly ridiculous and not too long ago I might have been inclined to agree with you.

I mean, really, how on earth can a nightmare come to life turn out to be a gift in disguise? Basically, it's because what we have isn't always what we need, despite our thinking to the contrary.

We've all heard the saying, "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." Well I was never a big believer in this theory but as of late, I've come to understand it better and it's quite possible that there may actually be some truth to it.

Take owning a home for example. The American Dream, from our earliest childhood memories, we've all dreamed of a place to call our own. A home we could fix up just the way we like it, perhaps right on the beach or maybe a Golf Course, a Lake, the mountains, wherever your dream destination might be. Oh, it would be sooooo wonderful.


Or so we think anyway. For some reason they forgot to mention the huge mortgage payments, Property Taxes, maintenance, upgrades, etc., etc. Next thing you know, your house becomes your life. Every waking (and sometimes sleeping) minute is spent thinking about everything you have to take care of, whether it be monetarily or otherwise and it doesn't leave you a whole lotta room to enjoy it. I've got news for you, home ownership is a full time job.

What about that exotic new car you've been dreaming of. You know the one, the 2012 PORSCHEMBORGHINERRARI GTLP6565XV SUPER ITALUDERIA. Oh, what a beauty. All the reviews can't stop drooling about what an unbelieveable machine it is. "Best car in the world", "Nothing faster short of an F-18 Hornet", "Turns on a dime and gives you back two nickles in change!" Yeah, THAT ONE!


So you head on down to the PORSCHEMBORGHINERRARI Dealership, lay down your $500K and drive away with your dream machine. Then it hits you, this thing drives like crap! This isn't ANYTHING like the reviews said it was. No doubt, given the opportunity, you would have test driven it before you bought it but they wanted you to fill out all the Purchase paperwork, get pre qualified, basically everything you would have to do to purchase the car, short of a final signature and at that point, you weren't 100% sure you were even gonna buy one.

Too late now, it's yours. You DID buy it, along with all of the maintenance and upkeep which, according to the warranty, MUST be completed by the Dealership. In essence, you're locked in for the next three years to $900 oil changes and $3000 tune~ups. Welcome to the world of Exotic Supercar ownership. Is it everything you thought it would be? Probably not.

Here again, they forgot to mention the fact that you'd really only want to drive this car once or twice a month. Any more than that and you'd either throw your back out from the Suspension or the high cost of maintenance alone would pretty much wipe your wallet out.



Maybe a Motorhome is your thing. You could plunk down about $350K, then try to figure out a place to store it for about $500 a month, not to mention upkeep and maintenance. Heaven forbid you actually wanted to use it, that could cost you another couple grand in fuel. For the weekend! Not exactly a dream come true.


My point to all this is the fact that while lots of things sound great, in reality, owning them might not be such a wonderful thing. Things and stuff require effort which in turn removes alot of the fun factor out of owning them.

Which brings me back to my original thought. I had (and still have) lots of those same dreams, just like everyone else. I wanted a place on a Golf Course from as far back as I can remember. Same with the fancy Exotic foreign car. Way before I even had my Drivers License, I've been a Car Guy. It's in my DNA, no gettin' around it.



So a few years ago, I stretched myself thinner that Stretch Armstrong ever could and I bought my Dream Condo on the golf course. I had a friend that had let me stay in this very Condo thirteen years prior and I had never forgotten it. So to finally buy THAT same Condo after all this time was a huge achievement for me. Matter of fact, it was for sale when I stayed there and I had kept the Sales Flyer all this time. That's the kind of impact it had on me and I told myself that someday I would buy it....and I did.

There I was, my back patio was on the 11th Fairway of The Stadium Course at PGA West in La Quinta and I was livin' the dream. Waking up to that view every day was more than I could have hoped for.


There was only one thing missing. If I'm gonna live here, on Millionaires Row, I need a better car to drive. Not that I was out to impress anyone, I just wanted to fulfill my dream. Nothin' wrong with that, right?

So I sold everything I had that wasn't bolted down and I bought the BMW I had fantasized about since I was a kid. No, I take that back. This BMW was a million times better than anything I could have ever conjured up in my mind.


Just sitting in the car, all of my troubles were immediately forgotten and I was transported to another place and time. Yes, it had an incredible stereo, thirteen speakers pumpin' out perfection but I found that I rarely had it on as the sound from the 10 cylinder engine was so much sweeter than any song that was playin' through the speakers. I came to realize that I loved that car as much, if not more than my Condo.

But reality began to sink in. On paper, I had it all figured out. If I sell this, this and this, put that money into this, that will knock down my payments on this which will allow me to put more into this and so at that point, I'll be able to afford this AND that. Perfect, should be no problem at all.


I was more than willing to sacrifice basically everything I owned just to keep the two things I really wanted. Unfortunately, as we all know, things don't always go according to plan. Yes, I sold everything I had originally planned to but at nowhere near the prices I had planned on.

I'm sure most of you have heard by now, we're pretty much in a recession and all of my cost cutting started right around the same time. Needless to say, I chased the market downhill but as I look back, not nearly as quickly as I needed to. I should have been running my ass off instead of briskly walking. Oh well, live 'n learn.


Long story short, first thing to go was a rental property I had purchased with a buddy of mine. Next in line was my dream Condo. I was never able to knock down the mortgage payments to something feasible so I had to walk away in a Short Sale. The REAL killer was my BMW. I had a (sickening) feeling that once that was gone, along with it would go all of my motivation, my reason to get out of bed in the morning, my reason to go on.



Sure enough, watching that car leave without me behind the wheel hit me harder than I even thought it would. My biggest dream in life, wiped away in a heartbeat. Talk about a feeling of failure, I became the Poster Child for Loser!

Since then, I also lost another piece of land but nothing hurt as bad as losing my German Dream Machine. And while I would have loved to stay in bed for the next couple (10 or 20) years, I really couldn't. Mostly because I had to sell all of my furniture as well so no bed to sleep on. It was probably for the best as most of the furniture wouldn't fit in a Cardboard Condo anyway.



I'm not 100% sure how long it's been since most of this went down, probably about a year or two and while it's by no means over yet, some healing has taken place. I still owe a fortune on a HELOC and in Credit Cards, my FICO Score is now about a -33 and I can't afford a battery operated toothbrush. Besides that, things are looking good.

Even though I say that sort of sarcastically (ok, REALLY sarcastically), when it comes right down to it, now that I've lost everything on earth, strange as it may seem, I've also gained something at the same time.

I can hear you right now, laughing, saying what on earth could he have gained? The guy's a homeless, penniless, Bum that's in debt up to his eyeballs, no way could he have gained anything. (BTW, I take offense to the part about being a Bum)

Well, you'd be wrong. After losing my hopes, dreams and pretty much every material thing I owned (and some I didn't own), I actually gained something that (luckily) can't be bought. If it was something that you had to buy, I couldn't afford it. It's something that most all of us take for granted, at least until we lose it. Freedom. I gained back some freedom.


We tend to lose some freedom as we take on more responsibility, that's the trade off. And a sacrifice that one must be willing to take if you're gonna participate in life.

No big deal, you'd think, as the stuff you're gonna buy gives you some freedom as well. Freedom to come and go and to BE whatever it is you want to be. Freedom to live your life the way you want to.

But responsibility can be a hell of a burden. It doesn't seem to be highlighted in a Purchase Agreement when you buy a home or on the Window Sticker when you buy a vehicle but no doubt it's there, hovering over you like a vulture awaiting its next meal.

Do I have any regrets from some of my past decisions? You better believe it. Do I feel like a failure? Damn right I do. If I could go back and do it over again, would I make the same decisions? HELL NO! What do you think I am, an idiot?


But at the point in my life when this all started, I had to make some serious decisions. I owned a house, free and clear and I could have just sat in the driveway, staring at the beautiful view and gotten drunk every day for the rest of my life (as short as that might have been). That was option one and since I had quit drinking just about a year or so before, I really wasn't likin' that option too much.

Option two was to totally change my life, chase my dreams, live a life that I had always wanted to. I had lived a life of misery for so long that I HAD to make a change. So I sacrificed everything to make my dreams come true and for a short while, I WAS living my dream. Then reality (with an assist from the tanking of the Real Estate market) stepped in and kicked my ass. It was(is) a beat down I won't soon forget. How can I, the Collection Agencies won't let me!


Luckily for me time marches on and with that I'm beginning to look at things from the other side. Sure, I have nothing left but on the other hand, I have nothing left. Nothing left to get in my way, to keep me from rebuilding my life, the way I want to. Ok, so it will be a few years before I can make payments on an electric toaster but heck, as far as I'm concerned, toast is overrated anyway.

Who would have ever thought that all the disasters of these last couple years would have opened up any new opportunities? Not me, that's for sure. I've been so busy wallowing in all my misery, throwing one continuous Pity Party for myself that I couldn't hold my head up long enough to see anything in my future besides a life of couch surfin' and microwave burritos, at least until I could find a decent place to homestead my new Cardboard Condo.


With a drastic change in my mindset and a severe attitude adjustment, I'm beginning to feel that rather than letting this be the end to my Dream Life, I'd much rather redirect my focus towards fulfilling another life long dream or two.


And who knows, maybe this new life of mine might even be a little less stressful than before. Hey, I can dream, can't I? After all, everything in life comes from a dream. One thing's for sure, it's gonna be different and with that comes more opportunities that I'm not even aware of....yet.

And so maybe losing everything has some kind of a silver lining to it, perhaps it wasn't all for nothing. Maybe it was to learn a lesson on what NOT to do with your life. I've always been a risk taker, that won't change. I firmly believe that without taking risks, there's no rewards. But in the future, I'll make sure my Ego and my Pride aren't drivin' the train!

From Disaster.... Comes Opportunity. Can you believe I just said that? I can....now.




If you have any similar experiences in this type of a situation, I'd enjoy hearing about them and how you went on to conquer them. And if you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share it with your friends.

Add It To The List

What is that saying again? A thought without action is just a dream? Something like that. Well, that truly seems to fit me perfectly. Lately anyway. Well, now that I think about it, for quite some time now I have had lots of trouble getting anything accomplished. While my mantra had always been, "Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?", I had hoped to change that aspect of my personality. I'm sure there are others out there like myself. Oh, you know who you are. So many dreams, too much time. Paralysis by Analysis. The list goes on and on. I'm sure there is a bit of procrastinator in all of us.


Don't get me wrong, this is surely not something that I am in any way proud of but as with any flaw, be it physical, emotional or otherwise, the only way to overcome and to get beyond it, in essence to recover from it is to first admit that there is a problem. Only then can it be conquered. Once and for all.


Where to begin? I've known that I've suffered from this ailment for quite some time but for some strange reason I just assumed it would disappear on its own. Yet it hasn't. Go figure. Naturally I thought some kind of selective Mind Magic would just unprogram it from my brain and I would instantly run around getting all kinds of stuff accomplished. Yet, here we are, nearing the end of 2009 with no sign of a 'dethroning' in the near future. The King of Procrastination is alive and well. Unfortunately, he is me.

Not that I wouldn't like to give up the throne, to crown a new King. Oh, how I would enjoy that but it's not exactly as easy as one might think. Turns out there are many others equally as qualified as I am, yet they continue to procrastinate and never step up to assume this glorious position of power. Perhaps someone will in the near future but more than likely not. Only time will tell.


Time. It's one of our most, if not THE most precious resource we have. One that we can never get back. Once it's gone, it's gone forever, never to return. Strange isn't it, how we continue to waste it as if it's a renewable commodity that will never end. Unfortunately, as far as I know, that is surely not the case. We only have one life to live. This isn't a practice run, a dress rehearsal. This is it, the real deal, good or bad, for better or worse. This is the only chance we have to make it happen, to live the life we want, the life of our dreams.


Why is it then that we continue to put things off, excuse after excuse, merely to stay in our 'comfort zone'? If your comfort zone is anything like mine, in actuality when you really think about it, it pretty much sucks. Worst part is that even though I know mine sucks, it's still a place I like to hang out because for the most part I have a really good idea of what's there and I guess that's what makes it so comfy. Add to that the fact that it's chock full of all kinds of excuses and who in their right mind would ever want to leave such a fabulous place? Well, I for one. I'm sick and tired....of being sick and tired.


All of the changes that I had planned on making after 2008, which up to that point in my life had been one of the worst years on record, have definitely not even begun to materialize. Not in the slightest and while I truly believed that with all the devastation of that year, 2009 just HAD to be better but in fact it turned out to be even worse than '08. Now that's saying alot and none of it good.


So with '09 coming to a close I'm being forced to ask myself how could this have ever happened? With '08 being so miserable, how did I not learn from that? I was without a doubt going to do everything in my power to make '09 so much better. Why then didn't all my scheduled 'changes' take place? After all, they were on my List of things to do. Some of them were even labeled Top Priority! You know, The List. The list that for some reason continues to get longer rather than shorter. Check one thing off, add two, check another off, add two more in it's place.


Hmmm, I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here. No wonder any feelings of accomplishment that might possibly occur are quickly wiped away by the vast amounts of Post Its strewn about my desk and the surrounding walls. Ok, also the ones on the bathroom mirrors, refridgerator doors, car dashboards, you get the picture. Next thing you know, you're swimming in a sea of 'post its' wondering how in the hell am I ever going to tackle all this stuff? And so at that point you have no option other than to just hop on the EZ Train. Next stop, the Comfy Zone! Overwhelmed with Paralysis by Analysis and Precision Indecision, it's very easy to head for the Fountain of Excuses. That endless gold mine of built in reasons for never getting anything done.


Like it or not, this all comes right back to me, falling in my lap with a huge thud. Dang it! Not that I like to play the 'blame game' but with all my high hopes, how on earth could this be my fault? Yet it is my fault, nobody else I can lay the blame on. Even with all my great intentions, apparently I rarely seem to take action on any of my thoughts and as such they continue to remain in the dream stage. Who'd a thunk it? Me, of all people. I used to be the guy that would set a goal and follow through on it but obviously that has all changed. It's not that I give up. It's more that I guilt out.


That's it, time's up! I refuse to lose again in 2010! I have got to come up with a way to remember the misery of the last two, make that three years to insure that 2010 is not a repeat performance. How do I go about that? What is the best way to guard against continuing this downward spiral, allowing me to redirect my life in a more positive direction and moving forward on a more positive path towards achieving all of my goals?


Seems to me that the first thing I need to do....is to do the first thing. That should be simple enough, right? That appears to be where most of my troubles begin, with a failure to even take that first step. It's not so much the fear of failure as I have pretty much always been able to do anything that I set my mind to. But it's more the inability to even choose which step to take first, to make a decision on which direction to take and to stick with it long enough to know for sure if it's the path I should be taking or not. Lately I seem to bail on my choices shortly after getting started out of pure guilt, a nagging fear that I am wasting too much time, yet I have wasted so much time already by not following through on anything. Which of course only leads to more guilt. What a vicious cycle.


This has got to change and so with that, I will somehow force myself to pick a direction and see it through so that I know for certain that I've explored it's full potential. Right or wrong, at least I will come away with the satisfaction of knowing I gave it my best shot.


Of course along with that comes the fact that I will have to change my mantra. Something more along the lines of "Why put off until tomorrow, what I CAN do today?" Hmmm, I think I like that one better anyway. From here on out I will be relegating the throne to whomever may want to take over my kingdom. Needless to say, only true procrastinators need apply. I'm going to build a new Kingdom, one of my own choosing. Not one I inherited by default but one that I created, filled with all the hopes, dreams and accomplishments of which I know I'm truly capable of yet I have postponed for a lifetime.


So that also means it's time for a new List. Not merely another Post It tacked on top of the millions of others but an entirely clean slate. This time I will also force myself to check items off at relatively the same pace at which I am adding other items to it. First thing on the list? Take Action! CHECK!!!

Can You Be TOO SMART?

What the heck was that? As it approached, I had no idea what it was. And since I'm such a car buff, I was personally offended that I even had to ask myself that question in the first place. Yet there it was, driving by right in front of my eyes and I seriously had to ask myself what I was seeing.


We have all noticed that as gas prices and insurance costs continue to skyrocket, as "GREEN" becomes the 'in thing' and so many changes have taken place around the globe regarding transportation in general, cars are getting smaller, safer and more fuel efficient.


While I try to stay semi up on the latest hybrids, deisels, electric powered, even hydrogen powered offerings from all over the world, somehow this still hit me as an extremely odd vehicle. The overall lines, let alone the size seemed familiar but yet as I looked closer, something just wasn't right. What on earth could this be?


I thought to myself, "Has something completely new hit the market? A car that I was totally unaware of? How did it get past my 'Bradar'?" Not that I am in any way an expert on the latest auto offerings but since I do love cars, mostly high end European sports cars and Woodies, I scower many various online sites and so I'm exposed to lots of new vehicles along the way. Yet this little machine still had me doing a double take. I take great pride in being as prepared as possible in many situations and nothing worse than being unprepeared for the latest trend, even though I'm more of a trendsetter than a follower. And even if I'm not that 'into it', I still want to be able to interact with others that are passionate about all the different niche vehicles available today.


Luckily 'it' stopped at the signal up ahead. As I did my best to decipher exactly what it was that I was viewing, that's when it struck me. I finally figured out what the heck it was under all that 'bolt on' drama. I recognized that emblem. I think most anybody, car afficianado or not, would recognize that little 'circle of heaven'. Of course, those that aren't true car lovers might think this was another 'add on', just another attempt to fool the masses but if you are up on your 'carknowledge' then you already know that the manufacturer of these vehicles is indeed Mercedes Benz.


Like everyone else on earth, the first thing you think is "How on earth could MB be involved with a car like this?" As it turns out, these little babies have passed every test needed, Safety, Mileage, etc. to allow them to be sold in this country. The US has the most stringent requirements on earth and if you can market and sell your car here, you can more or less sell it anywhere in the world. Except of course for the Communist countries, that's an entirely different animal. Who knows what the heck is going on in those countries. You can buy a brand new car there for $2000.00, how can you compete with that? I think it even comes with a 'Thirty Minute or Thirty Foot Warranty', whichever comes first, so it has that going for it. But regardless of my thoughts, if Mercedes Benz is going to build and market these cars, they deserve a bit of respect in the auto world.


So that was it, I finally figured it out. It was a Smart Four Two. I still question myself every time I see one of these as to just how smart the owners are for buying them but I have to do my best to keep an open mind about it. Who on earth would want to look in their rearview mirror and continually see the license plate of the car behind them, towering high above their head? Personally, I sure wouldn't but that's just me. And therefore I really need to work hard to keep an open mind.


Just as I need to keep an open mind as it relates to my favorite marque, Porsche, building that uglier than ugly Panamera. The Cayenne SUV was hard enough to swallow but I can easily see how it relates in its attempt to get a piece of the huge world wide SUV market. But a giant luxury four door sedan, with the worst rear three quarter view on the market today, still not feelin' it. Especially when the luxury four door 'saloon' market is flooded with all kinds of high end heaven, not too sure how big of a piece Porsche could even hope to garner. Yet I'm sure they did their research long before they ever began production so it's just a matter of time to see how all that pans out.


As I stared at this 'thing' in front of me a bit more, I realized why I had so much trouble guessing what it was. The endless amount of bolt on 'bling' had rendered it more or less unrecognizable. Perhaps this was exactly what the owner had hoped to achieve, some way to 'disguise' it and if so, well done. The original vehicle was more or less nowhere to be found. Although the basic platform was there, it seemed as if this was almost more of a trailer full of aftermarket parts as opposed to an improvement over the original factory offering. Yet there was no tow vehicle in sight. To each his own, I reckon, but one would have to wonder just exactly what the heck this guy was thinking. I truly wonder if he isn't asking himself that question as well but after spending all that money on all those 'extras', he's left with no other option than to leave everything on there 'as is' and just act as if it's his dream come true. Whether it is or not.


Tires and Wheels, Body Kit, Paint Wrap, Tinted Windows, Suspension Kit, Exhaust System, Trick Lights and these were just things that I noticed while sitting at the signal. Who knows how much other 'stuff' was inside and under the hood. I have a good feeling there was more than likely an upgraded Stereo, GPS, maybe more interior 'doo dads' and who even knows what's going on under the hood. That list alone is so overwhelming I hate to even begin adding more to it. Yet this guy (girl?) felt that too much could never be enough. What's even more amazing is the fact that all this aftermarket 'crap' is even available for these cars. I had to remember than even tough this particular car has only been available in this country for a relatively short time, it has been marketed around the world much longer. To be honest there really isn't a car built these days that doesn't have a ton of available aftermarket goodies built just for it.


Light turns green and there it goes. Wwwaaaaaaaaaa, wwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhh, wwwwwaaaaaaa...... the 'new' exhaust resonating as it bounced down the street. Yes, I said bounced. It appeared that the new lowered suspension had in some way compromised the original ride, making it appear even more like a toy than an actual car and a bad riding toy at that. To each his own, I guess. Yet I had to wonder when too much was too much. It was more than obvious that common sense was indeed sacrificed in the chase for individuality and while I am a huge advocate of those that blaze their own trail, I was still left having to ask the question, "When is enough too much?"


To all of you out there that prefer to fly your own "Freedom Flag", I commend you as that's what makes the world what it is today. Without those that choose to create their own way in this world, those 'free thinkers' that aren't afraid to do what they want in life despite what others may think and feel, we might still be riding in horsedrawn wagons and buggies, being pulled along by "Rusty" and dodging the numerous 'road apples' along the way. It's diffcult to say for sure but it is something to consider. So to all of you out there that choose to pave their own path, my hat is truly off to you. But I still have to ask that common sense be taken into consideration when searching for ways to show your individuality.


Which brings us back to my original thought, which is how do you know when too much really is too much? If you have endless time on your hands and plenty of extra money? Then who cares, I guess you can think way outside your box, whatever that box may consist of. But when you are spending more money, time and effort in an attempt to individualize and enhance your SMART(?) car to the point that you have spent so much more than it would have cost you to get a new BMW 335i Convertible and the credibility that comes along with owning a truly desirable vehicle, that's when you really have to ask yourself, "Are you TOO smart for your own good?"

On The Other Side

Wow, I am all over the place these days. I have so many thoughts running through my brain, 24/7, that I can't seem to get a grip anymore. So many things pulling me in different directions that I'm just spinning in circles like a top. Well, more like a 'Whirling Dervish'. In real life, I think dervishes are Egyptian dancers but I remember the cartoon version, pretty much a monster spinning out of control, only stopping long enough to get it's bearings and then it's back to spinning its brains out. I don't think it's necessarily a 'bad' thing but it wasn't exactly pretty! More or less just a mess of energy spinning out of control, which is exactly how I feel these days.


At the end of each day I attempt to take a semi inventory of all the things that I accomplished on my 'To Do' list, hopefully checking a couple things off. Even if it's just one thing off the list, at least that's one less thing to tackle the next day. Unfortunately I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here. For some strange reason my list continues to get longer, not shorter. Hmmm, what's wrong with this picture? Isn't the list supposed to get shorter as I tackle each item? Apparently not as it appears that I while I am checking one thing off, I'm adding two in its place. Next thing you know, instead of throwing my freshly checked off list in the trash, I have a new list with even more items sitting right on top of the old one. Talk about overwhelmed, you have no idea. I can't even begin to explain how much 'junk' I have running through my head these days.


My life is in such turmoil, so many decisions I need to make but yet I'm wrapped up in 'paralysis by analysis' and so I continue to bury myself deeper and deeper in this man made hole that I have created for myself. Yes, I realize it's my own doing and yet I seem to be unable to think clearly enough to climb my way out of it. How is that possible? Not that I haven't always had lots of stuff on my mind, continually creating new ways to attempt to move forward in my life, searching for new trails to blaze, finding new avenues in which to travel down 'lifes path' yet I was seemingly able to put my feet on the ground once in awhile and at least tackle one or two things here and there. Now it seems as if I am continually sliding backwards, climbing a frozen waterfall with flip flops on, never quite getting enough traction to move ahead but hanging on by squeezing my toes together as hard as I can and digging my toe nails into the ice for every bit of traction I can find. Jeez, I'm worn out just thinking about it. No wonder I feel so constantly overwhelmed, I'm in 'emotion overload mode' and that's not good for productivity. Just not a good way to live life in general.


How am I ever gonna get back to a normal pace? One where I can look at each 'obstacle' objectively, 'taking action' rather than 'reacting to' each situation as it occurs. While I do my best not to think about what 'could' happen, what 'might' go wrong, it's not always as easy as it seems. Sure, there are always bumps in the road but to plan on them doesn't do a bit of good. I know that as well as anybody but yet I still tend do it. Maybe it's because I continue to get daily reminders of how much my life currently sucks. I firmly believe that living in the present is very important to our outlook on life and the choices we make for our future. The past is the past and there is nothing we can do about it. That's all fine and dandy. But I have so much trouble believing that the worst is over and that there are going to be better days ahead. I know better than to say it just can't get any worse because as we all know, instantly something else will happen and sure enough, things just got worse. I guess that's why I have so much trouble believeing that I have truly hit rock bottom. That it's ok to finally look toward a brighter future. It's because I know damn well that there is more crap to come, more things that are gonna do their very best to knock me down and keep me there.


As I look back on the last three or four years, I've had tons of stuff thrown my way that at the time I had no idea how I was gonna survive them, let alone move forward. Heck, most of the time I didn't wanna make it through as I knew darn well there was more crap waiting right around the corner. And yet, somehow here I am. Couldn't begin to tell you how I got through each dilemma but yet I did, well enough to face the next nightmare. Not sure if that's good or bad, it just is. And I also realize that everybody goes through crap in there lives, devastating situations that surely tear at their heart and make them question themselves, their thoughts, their beliefs and yet they go forward as well. So I guess that's what I'm gonna have to do. I'm going to have to continue trudging down this long and winding road to who knows where, to who knows what, for reasons unknown. I'm not a quitter, just too stupid I guess or maybe I'm just so afraid of failing that I can't give up. Not sure I could really live with myself if I did give up so in essence, that's not an option. Perhaps I'm just a glutton for punishment, some sort of sadist and I have this secret passion for pain. No, I don't think that's it. I truly do want to be happy and that's what keeps me moving forward with the hopes that someday things will get better. That I will find a woman that loves me, a career I'm passionate about and truly live the life of my dreams. Yet with every disappointment, every let down it becomes increasingly more and more difficult to remain focused on a better future.


I guess that's where the past can play a big part in our future. Knowing that we have tackled the same crap already, that unsurmountable mountain of stuff that at one point was a 'no way am I gonna make it through' and now here we are on the other side of that hill from hell, looking at a new nightmare. A new 'disaster' that we have to find some way, at all cost to make it through. They say that every problem is just another opportunity to learn something new, about ourselves and what we're made of and that these so called opportunities will only continue to make us stronger. Well, to be honest, I'm getting kinda tired of all this learning and I'm pretty much ready to just ditch class from here on out. Haven't I learned enough 'lessons' to last me for the rest of my life? Aren't I strong enough by now? The way it's looking, apparently not.


So it's off to the 'mental gym' I go, learning to face new hurdles in my life, climb new mountains from hell, all in the hopes that the life of my dreams is waiting for me, on the other side.

TEXTING SUCKS!

What ever happened to having an actual face to face conversation? Remember, the kind of thing where you can actually hear the other persons voice? Whether on the phone or in person, a true interaction between two or more people, where thoughts and ideas can be exchanged. Where emotions can be put forth, both good and bad, which could actually lead to a further understanding of each persons thoughts and feelings.


Texting isn't even a decent excuse for a conversation. Not by a long shot. Five or six words back and forth and to make matters even worse, most of those are 'half words', 'textonics', just a bunch of stupid abbreviations that add up to a complete desecration of the english language. Come to think of it, a massacre of ANY language.



All of this supposedly in the interest of saving time? Well, if you're anywhere near as 'textually challenged' as myself, it takes five times as long to attempt to spell your thoughts out in a text than it ever would have taken to just come right out and say it. And without any 'emotion' to go along with your words, it's just a guessing game as to what the 'sender' was even attempting to say. Not to mention the fact that by the time I'm ready to send my reply, three more texts have come through and so the response that took me ten minutes to get typed and ready to send is no longer even relevant. If I hit send at this point, the usual response is 'WTF?'. Even worse is when a call comes in at the same time and then you're totally screwed! Complete loss of all contact, screen 'flips over' to something else entirely and then you have to start all over.



Of course, all this leads to a full on battle. "Oh no, that's not at all what I meant. Scroll back up about five or six lines and you'll see that this is the answer to THAT question." All that BS that gets completely out of control, out of nowhere. It's no friggin' wonder the divorce rate is so high in this country. Nobody can understand what the heck anybody is trying to say and with all the misunderstandings and the hurt feelings along the way, it's easier just to get a divorce than it would be to go through any more texting 'crap'.



Instead of 'tennis elbow', we will start to see all of our hospital emergency rooms filled with people suffering from 'texting thumbs', our insurance rates will skyrocket, taxes will be raised to cover all of the people out of work on disability and we will be living in a society where no one even speaks to one another. Now, some might think this would be a 'dream come true', but not me. I myself miss the 'good ol' days' of sitting down and actually having a face to face conversation, especially with a beautiful woman.



Call me 'old fashioned' and 'out of touch', that's fine but until I can actually 'feel' a hug and a kiss thru my iPhone or 'see' the look in a womans eyes on my QWERTY keyboard when she says "I Love You", I'll take a 'real' conversation any time!

Larry The Cricket Farmer

Until I moved to the desert I had no idea they even existed, these so called 'Cricket Farmers'. They go about town throughout their day seemingly unnoticed, hidin' under the radar. Extremely hard to spot, they wear no hats, gloves or 'uniforms' of any kind for that matter. Yet, I know they exist.


I'm not quite sure where they get their 'training', perhaps Cricket "U" but I have yet to see any license plate frames or stickers advertising such schools nor of the Alumni that would come from such institutes of higher learning. But here again, they must exist because my neighbor Larry surely must have gone to school to perfect his 'craft'. Either that or he has a 'gift' born through generation after generation of Cricket Farmers.


After all, how else could one human being house so many crickets on one patio. Strange thing is, I have yet to see any type of feeding 'apparatus' or 'living quarters' for these crickets. Anything at all that would prove that this 'Farm' actually exists, yet come nightfall it becomes painfully obvious to the ears that yes, I live next door to a Cricket Farm.


Oh, don't be fooled such as I have. By day he's a mild mannered Pharmacist at the local grocery store but I know his true talents lie elsewhere, in the field of Cricket Farming. It must be his calling as he definitely has a 'knack' for it. No other way to explain it. When asked about his 'herd', his only reply is to say "It's a Gift, they are just drawn to me!" I'll say they are. By the millions!


Perhaps he could be considered more of a "Cricket Whisperer" than a farmer. I'm not exactly sure but one thing I am sure about is that it takes a special talent to attract the amazingly vast amounts of crickets to ones patio that he does. Lucky for the rest of you, he's a rare breed indeed. I would hate for others to live next door to such a relentlessly never ending noise factory.


So, next time you're driving down Hwy. 111 or in line at your local Big 5 Sporting Goods store buying ear plugs, keep in mind that you could be right next to one of the rarest species out there, the Cricket Farmer.

3 Years, No Beers!

Wow, never thought I would ever be able to say that. Heck, I couldn't go 3 minutes without a beer, let alone 3 years. In fact I really never thought I'd want to say that, it sounds like a 'bad' thing. Why on earth would I ever be happy to quit drinking? I mean, who in their right mind would want to stop having fun? And after all, next to sex isn't drinking the most fun a person could ever have? Well, at one time I sure thought so but as I look back, I might have been drunk at the time!

Like most people, I probably had my first beer in High School or there abouts. There were always local parties in town on Friday and Saturday nights. For the most part they were kept on the 'down low' but all you had to do was stop by the Mohawk Gas Station, those guys always seemed to know where the best parties were going to be. Best meaning the most women and no parents around. Some parties weren't at 'homes' so to speak, some were in the local hills, say at the 'Water Tower' and such places. For the most part they were never held at anybodys house more than once because of all the devastation caused by those darn kids.

Next step was to get some alcohol. Was it gonna be Gallo Bros., Boones Farm, Sloe Gin and 7 Up or the good ol' stand by, Beer? Hopefully someone had an older brother or sister that could do the 'dirty deed' for you or else it meant waiting in front of the Liquor Store for a helpful stranger to 'score' for you. That tended to add a bunch of time and stress to the situation, not knowing if you would find someone to buy it or not and there was always the risk of them just taking your money and driving off without getting you your beer. I mean what are you gonna do, call the Cops on 'em?

Some parties were 'Keggers' which was a mixed blessing. On one hand the beer was in essence already there but Keg beer never tastes as good, you don't get the 'brand'[Michelob?] you like, long line ups to get to the keg and who knows when and if it would run out. So much better to bring your own, that way you know you're good to go. No worries.

I moved to San Diego after High School and needless to say, when you're living at the beach without any adult supervision, every day [and night] is party time. At this point I had decided to expand my 'portfolio' of alcoholic beverages to include those of the grape oriented variety. It just made more sense money wise as money was very tight back then, that's for sure. Quickest buzz for the least amount of money [thank you Ernest & Julio Gallo], just has to be the best way to go. Right? Well, I came to learn I was wrong, very wrong! The hangover the next day [or two] was just horrendous. So off I went in search of another cost effective buzz without as lengthy of a penalty.

Through the years I tried the various types of 'hard stuff', Whiskey, Tequila and Vodka, all with relatively the same result. The next day or two spent 'recovering' and paying heavily for my sins. So I went on to become a connoiseur of sorts, sampling all of the better beers. I was never much of a Domestic guy, it was pretty much Imports only for me. As time went on I came to learn that the 'penalties' weren't quite as severe with beer and I became better at judging my limits, hopefully knowing when to say when before hitting the ground. Now, I didn't always judge correctly, sometimes over doing it but for the most part I figured it out.

When you live at the beach, drinking isn't just a hobby, it's a lifestyle. It didn't really matter what time of day or night, just walk[stumble] out the door and you would run into someone that was drinking. Back then you could drink on the Boardwalk. Many an hour was spent cruisin' our bicycles on the Boardwalk in search of fun and festivities, just basically wasting time. In fact, you could always tell the true Locals by the beer holders attached to their bicycle handlebars. It was a 'status symbol' of sorts, he with the coolest 'Cool Cup' wins and none of the tourists on rental bikes had them so they were just no way as cool as we were. Jeez, life was so much simpler back then.

So as time went on the 'regular' beers just weren't doin' the job anymore. I guess you build up a tolerance of sorts. Luckily, about this time all the Pale Ale Micro Brews were hittin' the scene. It was like liquid candy with a 5% alcohol content. Could life get any better than this? I doubt it. One pint was like drinking 3 Imports, what a bargain!

Bummer was that right about that same time they outlawed drinking on the Boardwalk, couldn't even drink within 3ft. of the Sea Wall [what the heck is this anyway, Russia?] so the days of cruisin' the bikes, checkin' out the women and drinkin' a beer or twelve were over. They were replaced by drinking on the patio or at the Bars. I'm not really much of an 'indoors' type of person and so the Bars weren't really my thing but I had to make sacrifices in the name of a good buzz. I had also gotten sick on Tequila and Vodka so many times by this point that Rum was just about the only 'hard stuff' I could still drink. So needless to say, my options were getting increasingly limited.

I'm ashamed to say it now but there were quite a few trips home from the Bars that I couldn't tell you exactly which route I actually took. There were several to choose from and somehow, thank my lucky stars I made it home but I'm still unsure exactly how. It was ok if you were on your bike but in a car it's a whole different story. I am so grateful to this day that I never hurt anyone else while driving on those ridiculously stupid trips home. I truly consider myself to be so lucky that I never got a DUI or involved in an accident while I was drunk, definitely a miracle.

In fact it seems like the only time I wasn't drinking was when I was at work or sleeping. And while I was at work, all I could think about was getting off work and stopping by the Beach Market on my way home for a six pack. I probably dreamed about getting hammered while I was asleep too but I don't usually remember my dreams the next day so it's just a guess but I'll bet it's a good guess.

So here I was, starting off 2006 with one major change. I had been involved with the same job for many years and had grown tired of it to say the least. Too much stress, not enough money. Needless to say it was making me miserable. Now, I was what some call a 'functioning' alcoholic. I always showed up to work no problem and did my job. In fact, after I quit drinking some people were surprised to find out that I even had a drinking problem. That's how well I hid it. So on January 1st, 2006 I quit my job. Now, I'd like to be able to blame my consistent drinking on a job that I disliked but in reality that would just be a cop out. I drank because I wanted to catch a buzz, nobody else to blame but me. In fact, I drank even more after I quit my job. After all, I had a ton of new found 'free time' on my hands. What better way to spend the hours than hangin' out at the beach and gettin' drunk? Even though I lived my life on a day to day basis, not really caring about tomorrow, I could see that if I kept up this pace I would soon be broke and living on the streets with a cardboard sign. To be honest, that didn't really sound like a ton of fun. It's hard to get a decent size ice chest mounted on a bicycle and if I kept going the way I was, a bike is just about the only thing I would have had left to my name. So I had to quit drinking.

Now, I believe I was like every other person out there that has some idea that they probably drink too much and should quit or at least cut down on their intake. Of course my personality won't allow me to do anything half way and so if I'm gonna drink, I'M GONNA DRINK! I know better than to BS myself into thinking that I can have one or two beers and call it good. I had already tried that a million times and although I always started off with good intentions, it lasted until I finished the second beer and then I started rationalizing my way to a third beer, then a fourth and so on until all the beer was gone. And of course like every other alcoholic [yes, I said alcoholic. In my opinion if you drink daily and you can't say NO to having a drink then you're an alcoholic] I had already told myself I was gonna quit drinking a thousand times before. Every time I woke up feeling incredibly lousy from drinking the night before, "That's it, I quit" but of course that only lasted a short time. As soon as I felt better I couldn't remember the reason I ever wanted to quit and so I was back to drinking again.

OK then, so how in the heck was I gonna pull this off? How was I ever gonna quit this evil habit? I was surrounded by people gettin' hammered all day, every day. All my friends drank. Every fun thing I did revolved around alcohol. I was involved with classic cars, Woodies in particular and the best part of those Car Events [or so I thought at the time] was getting drunk. I related all of the fun and enjoyable things in my life to alcohol. If I quit drinking, how would I ever have fun again? Life as I knew it would cease to exist. Now remember, I already knew that I was gonna lose everything if I continued drinking but life wouldn't be any fun if I wasn't drinking so I really wouldn't have had a life worth living anyway. Such a cunundrum. What should I do? The thought of throwing everything away for a buzz just seemed like such a waste. After all, I loved women too much and it's tough to get a woman to go out with you when all you have is a rusty old bike with an ice chest strapped to the back. I mean, the 40 Year Old Virgin got a woman to go bike riding with him, in fact she even bought him a new bike. But he still had an apartment to take her back to. He would have been one step ahead of me and I couldn't let that happen. Ok then, times up. My drinking 'career' had to end!

Next day I woke up and immediately headed for the fridge. Yikes, no beer! My first thought was I better head on down to the Beach Market and pick up some beer because I'm out. Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks. "Oh that's right, I don't drink any more." Oh No, what have I gotten myself into now? How am I gonna pull this off? No way I can do this, I don't have the kind of willpower this is gonna take. All my friends are gonna think I'm a loser now for sure, in fact they won't even want to hang out with me any more. I guess I can't really blame them, who would want to hang out with someone that doesn't drink? Jeez, my life will pretty much be over and done. Well, it would have surely been over had I continued drinking and I doubt I would have had too many friends if I was just diggin' through dumpsters and beggin' for change for my next beer. So somehow I just had to quit drinking. If I was ever gonna change my life, make something more out of it, then I had to start right now.

By that point I had been drinking just about every day since I was 18. That was 27 years of doing the same thing. Talk about a habit, it was second nature for me, a way of life. As I sat there thinking [believe me, when you quit drinking there's plenty of time to do a whole bunch of thinking] about all of the time, money, the life I wasted having 'fun' it suddenly came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. What the heck was I thinking? How could I have wasted my entire life like that? As a kid I was actually kinda smart but you sure wouldn't know it based on this behavior. I just never really thought about all the time I actually wasted and once I added it all up, I was truly devastated. My first thought was forget this, I've already ruined my entire life by drinking it away, why stop now? Then I came to the conclusion that I wasn't actually dead yet and so my life wasn't 'officially' over. I just had to try and make what was left of my life somewhat more productive and so I started on my journey to sobriety.

So here I sit, three years later. Kinda hard to believe it's been three years, went by sorta fast. Has my life actually been any better since I quit drinking? Now I gotta be honest here, not really. Due to some other 'things' that have happened since then, most of those not actually within my control, my life is definitely not a dream come true. In fact, very far from it. But I still have to believe it would have been much worse had I continued drinking and so in that respect it is better. Do I miss the beer? You better believe I do! That's alot of days [1095 days to be exact, not that I'm counting] that I could have been getting hammered and having 'fun'. But then again, I could have also gotten a DUI like my buddy just did this last New Years weekend and be sitting here worried about my revoked Drivers License and how I was going to pay all the fines. Besides, I really wouldn't look good in an orange jumpsuit picking up old tires and trash along the freeway. It's just not my style. Or even worse yet, injured someone else while driving drunk. So even though I haven't really had anything good to speak of come from quitting, I most likely prevented some bad things from happening and so I guess that could be considered a good thing.

The main reason I'm writing this 'novel' is not so much to give myself props for three years of no beers, not at all. It's more to inspire others to tackle those 'impossible' things in their lives, those things they just truly believe they can't accomplish. And also to let others know how deep the feelings of regret I have are and how heavily they weigh on my heart 24 hours a day. I should have done so much more with my life and it's all the lost time and the opportunities that I can never get back that I regret the most.

So next time you're kickin' back with a few brewskies at the Bar or with friends, pounding a few, just take a minute to ask yourself if there might be something else a bit more productive that you could be doing. Now, if you are the type of person that can have just one or two a couple times a week and that's it, then great. No problem, enjoy yourself. I sure wish I could have done that but that just wasn't me. As it turned out I did my fifty years worth of drinking in twenty seven years, I used up all my drinking 'chits' a bit early. And please don't think I'm here to preach to anyone about how to live their lives but if I can help just one person that reads this to avoid the regret that I feel, then my being completely embarassed by spilling my guts here will have totally been worth it.

No one can 'make' anyone else quit, they have to have the desire to quit for themselves. In my opinion that's why for the most part 'Rehab' never works, because people are in a 'forced' situation brought on by others telling them they have to quit. Not from an 'inner' realization that if they want to save their own life, they better quit. And for most alcoholics the life they are living, at least to them isn't really worth saving. For the most part it's a day to day existence, not really much of a 'life' so to speak. But each individual has to hit their own 'bottom' before they can go back up.

Myself, I was at a point that the only thing worse than today was knowing that I was still gonna wake up tomorrow and have to go through it all over again. That's not much of a life at all, certainly not one worth saving. I finally had to realize that the fun was over. Well, it was over for me anyway. I had no idea what the future would hold but good or bad, I knew that life for me would never be the same again.

Life Is Short, Don't Put It Off!

Next Wednesday would have been Grandmas Birthday, she would have been 93. Can you imagine that, 93? Unfortunately we lost her back on February 19th of this year. But in her 92 years on this wonderful planet just imagine all the great 'things' she was able to see. All of the amazing inventions that have come along since she was a small child growing up in the Bay area. Planes, Automobiles, Movies, Television, Computers, the list is endless.

Born and raised in Oakland, she spent alot of her childhood in San Fransisco. She always talked about the Cable Cars, Cannery Row, Fishermans Wharf , all exciting 'things' to a child growing up around the time of the Great Depression. When she married my Grandfather, he was a Semi Pro Baseball player and always on the road traveling from game to game, which I'm sure took it's toll on their marriage. Even after my father, their only child, was born it still wasn't enough to keep my Grandfather from the life he loved and by 1958 they were divorced. That same year she met another man whos company she enjoyed. A few years her senior, they fell in love and were married in 1959. I was born in 1960 and so 'they' were my Grandparents [I never could figure out why I had an 'extra' Grandfather] and were to become such a big part of my childhood, my entire life for that matter. Not the least of which were the numerous trips to Disneyland and all the 'E Ticket' rides. All I have to do is close my eyes and I'm there again.


As my sister and I got older, we spent many weekends with Grandma & Grandpa. We didn't know it at the time but I think it was mostly to give our parents a 'break' from the stress of raising two kids. All we knew is that our Grandparents always spoiled the heck out of us and we liked it! My parents were married @ 18 and I'm still amazed they kept it going for 14 years. My Dad worked three jobs and my sister and I were my Moms 'full time' job, along with all the domestic chores. I think that all the Thanksgivings and Christmas' at Grandmas were a blessing for all, especially us kids.

In 1985 my Grandpa passed away unexpectedly during a 'routine' surgery, leaving my Grandma alone without warning. She was a very strong and independent woman, we knew she would be ok. She spent many years as the Head of the FUR Departments at The Broadway and Bullocks, both well known Dept Stores in her day, her territory being all of Southern California . No doubt she was a survivor. Through her two knee replacements, Breast Cancer 'scares' and all the ups and downs of life, she chose not to remarry. Instead she seemed content to spend her time with her friends and her pets.


We all had busy lives of our own and by this time my parents had divorced and gone their separate ways. My sister had her life and I was busy living a full life in San Diego . Through the years the Holiday 'trips' to Grandmas became less frequent and were seemingly replaced by phone calls and greeting cards. "I love you and I'll see you soon" seemed to be the recurring theme in all my communications with her. After all, it's a short drive from San Diego to Hemet, I can go next month. It's not like I have to fly to Florida or anything. But the more I wanted to go visit her, it seems the more excuses I made to put it off until 'later'. And as we all know, later never comes. Every time her and I would talk on the phone, she'd reassure me that everything was fine, she was ok but "come and visit when you can." "I will, I will," I promised.

While at work one day in 2004, I decided to call her on my lunch break, just to say "Hi". After we spoke for a few minutes, she said "I have someone here that wants to speak to you." My first thought was who on earth could it be, my sister and I are her only family. "Hello, this is 'Shirley So and So' from the County of Riverside . We are here to take your Grandmother to a State Facility, she can no longer take care of herself. We are going to sell her home and take all of her assets to pay for her full time care." All I could say was "What are you talking about?" I left work immediately and drove to Hemet. All throughout the 2 1/2 hour drive I ran all the different 'scenarios' through my head as to how all of this all could have happened and what was I going to be able to do about it.

As it turned out, apparently her 'friends' next door had placed a few calls to the County and they sent a 'friend' [spy] to visit weekly and report back with her 'findings'. They determined that my Grandma could no longer take care of herself and needed to be in a 'Full Time' Care Facility. I came to find out later that this entire situation came about because the neighbor wanted to buy my Grandmas Mobile Home for a family member of theirs to live in and my Grandmother refused to sell so they thought if she was 'gone', they could buy her home. Long story short, I found an Assisted Living facility for her, sold her home to someone else so the County wasn't able to 'take everything' and neither was her neighbor.

At that time, she was diagnosed with the beginning stages of Dementia and over the last 4+ years it became progressively worse, robbing her of her memory and eventually her ability to communicate. Up until about 2 years ago, she would recognize me every time I visited her but since that time it had gotten much worse. So bad in fact that she could no longer communicate. You could see in her eyes that she had so much she wanted to say but she couldn't get the words out. After an hour of talking with her and showing her old family photos, you definitely got the feeling that perhaps it was 'triggering' memories of some kind inside her and as she smiled and laughed a bit, she still couldn't express what was on her mind. Perhaps it was more my wanting so badly to have her recognize me and just praying that maybe this time it would happen but of course it never did.

I had to come to the realization that she just didn't know me anymore. No matter how much it broke my heart, she wouldn't ever recognize me or have a conversation with me again. For all intents and purposes, my Grandmother was gone. Oh, she was relatively strong for her age and the skin on her face still showed all the years of pride in her appearance but yet, she was gone. I had lost my Grandmother. As I sat there with her, I continued to talk to her knowing full well that she had no idea who I was or what I was saying. No matter what I did, I couldn't bring her back and I just had to face that fact.

All this brings me to the reason for writing this 'novel'. Life is so short and our families are such precious parts of who we are today. Take a little time, tell them you love them, say everything you ever wanted to say to them no matter how 'trivial' it may seem. Even if you 'think' they already know how you feel, reassure them anyway. The next time you make an excuse and say "Sorry, I'm just too busy right now but we'll get to see each other real soon", immediately stop what you're doing and change your plans. You can always mow the lawn or watch the game next weekend. This weekend, go and visit your family. I promise you it will be a million times more rewarding and the memories will be with you much longer than which Team won the game or how many times you emptied the mower bag.

So as I sit here typing this, on the 'eve' of what would have been her 93rd Birthday, I can't help but think about all of the times that I should have gone to visit her. All the times that I should have put 'my life' on hold and went to share her life with her. I truly am the one that lost out here. She was such a wonderful woman, such a big part of my life and my childhood growing up, I only wish I would have told her more often. So again, life is so short and if I can help just one person to not have to live with the regret that I feel, make that trip. Or at the very least, make that phone call. You just never know when the last time will be that you will get the chance to see them or to tell them you love them.



"Happy Birthday Grandma, I Love You and I will never forget you."