On The Other Side

Wow, I am all over the place these days. I have so many thoughts running through my brain, 24/7, that I can't seem to get a grip anymore. So many things pulling me in different directions that I'm just spinning in circles like a top. Well, more like a 'Whirling Dervish'. In real life, I think dervishes are Egyptian dancers but I remember the cartoon version, pretty much a monster spinning out of control, only stopping long enough to get it's bearings and then it's back to spinning its brains out. I don't think it's necessarily a 'bad' thing but it wasn't exactly pretty! More or less just a mess of energy spinning out of control, which is exactly how I feel these days.


At the end of each day I attempt to take a semi inventory of all the things that I accomplished on my 'To Do' list, hopefully checking a couple things off. Even if it's just one thing off the list, at least that's one less thing to tackle the next day. Unfortunately I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here. For some strange reason my list continues to get longer, not shorter. Hmmm, what's wrong with this picture? Isn't the list supposed to get shorter as I tackle each item? Apparently not as it appears that I while I am checking one thing off, I'm adding two in its place. Next thing you know, instead of throwing my freshly checked off list in the trash, I have a new list with even more items sitting right on top of the old one. Talk about overwhelmed, you have no idea. I can't even begin to explain how much 'junk' I have running through my head these days.


My life is in such turmoil, so many decisions I need to make but yet I'm wrapped up in 'paralysis by analysis' and so I continue to bury myself deeper and deeper in this man made hole that I have created for myself. Yes, I realize it's my own doing and yet I seem to be unable to think clearly enough to climb my way out of it. How is that possible? Not that I haven't always had lots of stuff on my mind, continually creating new ways to attempt to move forward in my life, searching for new trails to blaze, finding new avenues in which to travel down 'lifes path' yet I was seemingly able to put my feet on the ground once in awhile and at least tackle one or two things here and there. Now it seems as if I am continually sliding backwards, climbing a frozen waterfall with flip flops on, never quite getting enough traction to move ahead but hanging on by squeezing my toes together as hard as I can and digging my toe nails into the ice for every bit of traction I can find. Jeez, I'm worn out just thinking about it. No wonder I feel so constantly overwhelmed, I'm in 'emotion overload mode' and that's not good for productivity. Just not a good way to live life in general.


How am I ever gonna get back to a normal pace? One where I can look at each 'obstacle' objectively, 'taking action' rather than 'reacting to' each situation as it occurs. While I do my best not to think about what 'could' happen, what 'might' go wrong, it's not always as easy as it seems. Sure, there are always bumps in the road but to plan on them doesn't do a bit of good. I know that as well as anybody but yet I still tend do it. Maybe it's because I continue to get daily reminders of how much my life currently sucks. I firmly believe that living in the present is very important to our outlook on life and the choices we make for our future. The past is the past and there is nothing we can do about it. That's all fine and dandy. But I have so much trouble believing that the worst is over and that there are going to be better days ahead. I know better than to say it just can't get any worse because as we all know, instantly something else will happen and sure enough, things just got worse. I guess that's why I have so much trouble believeing that I have truly hit rock bottom. That it's ok to finally look toward a brighter future. It's because I know damn well that there is more crap to come, more things that are gonna do their very best to knock me down and keep me there.


As I look back on the last three or four years, I've had tons of stuff thrown my way that at the time I had no idea how I was gonna survive them, let alone move forward. Heck, most of the time I didn't wanna make it through as I knew darn well there was more crap waiting right around the corner. And yet, somehow here I am. Couldn't begin to tell you how I got through each dilemma but yet I did, well enough to face the next nightmare. Not sure if that's good or bad, it just is. And I also realize that everybody goes through crap in there lives, devastating situations that surely tear at their heart and make them question themselves, their thoughts, their beliefs and yet they go forward as well. So I guess that's what I'm gonna have to do. I'm going to have to continue trudging down this long and winding road to who knows where, to who knows what, for reasons unknown. I'm not a quitter, just too stupid I guess or maybe I'm just so afraid of failing that I can't give up. Not sure I could really live with myself if I did give up so in essence, that's not an option. Perhaps I'm just a glutton for punishment, some sort of sadist and I have this secret passion for pain. No, I don't think that's it. I truly do want to be happy and that's what keeps me moving forward with the hopes that someday things will get better. That I will find a woman that loves me, a career I'm passionate about and truly live the life of my dreams. Yet with every disappointment, every let down it becomes increasingly more and more difficult to remain focused on a better future.


I guess that's where the past can play a big part in our future. Knowing that we have tackled the same crap already, that unsurmountable mountain of stuff that at one point was a 'no way am I gonna make it through' and now here we are on the other side of that hill from hell, looking at a new nightmare. A new 'disaster' that we have to find some way, at all cost to make it through. They say that every problem is just another opportunity to learn something new, about ourselves and what we're made of and that these so called opportunities will only continue to make us stronger. Well, to be honest, I'm getting kinda tired of all this learning and I'm pretty much ready to just ditch class from here on out. Haven't I learned enough 'lessons' to last me for the rest of my life? Aren't I strong enough by now? The way it's looking, apparently not.


So it's off to the 'mental gym' I go, learning to face new hurdles in my life, climb new mountains from hell, all in the hopes that the life of my dreams is waiting for me, on the other side.