On The Other Side

Wow, I am all over the place these days. I have so many thoughts running through my brain, 24/7, that I can't seem to get a grip anymore. So many things pulling me in different directions that I'm just spinning in circles like a top. Well, more like a 'Whirling Dervish'. In real life, I think dervishes are Egyptian dancers but I remember the cartoon version, pretty much a monster spinning out of control, only stopping long enough to get it's bearings and then it's back to spinning its brains out. I don't think it's necessarily a 'bad' thing but it wasn't exactly pretty! More or less just a mess of energy spinning out of control, which is exactly how I feel these days.


At the end of each day I attempt to take a semi inventory of all the things that I accomplished on my 'To Do' list, hopefully checking a couple things off. Even if it's just one thing off the list, at least that's one less thing to tackle the next day. Unfortunately I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here. For some strange reason my list continues to get longer, not shorter. Hmmm, what's wrong with this picture? Isn't the list supposed to get shorter as I tackle each item? Apparently not as it appears that I while I am checking one thing off, I'm adding two in its place. Next thing you know, instead of throwing my freshly checked off list in the trash, I have a new list with even more items sitting right on top of the old one. Talk about overwhelmed, you have no idea. I can't even begin to explain how much 'junk' I have running through my head these days.


My life is in such turmoil, so many decisions I need to make but yet I'm wrapped up in 'paralysis by analysis' and so I continue to bury myself deeper and deeper in this man made hole that I have created for myself. Yes, I realize it's my own doing and yet I seem to be unable to think clearly enough to climb my way out of it. How is that possible? Not that I haven't always had lots of stuff on my mind, continually creating new ways to attempt to move forward in my life, searching for new trails to blaze, finding new avenues in which to travel down 'lifes path' yet I was seemingly able to put my feet on the ground once in awhile and at least tackle one or two things here and there. Now it seems as if I am continually sliding backwards, climbing a frozen waterfall with flip flops on, never quite getting enough traction to move ahead but hanging on by squeezing my toes together as hard as I can and digging my toe nails into the ice for every bit of traction I can find. Jeez, I'm worn out just thinking about it. No wonder I feel so constantly overwhelmed, I'm in 'emotion overload mode' and that's not good for productivity. Just not a good way to live life in general.


How am I ever gonna get back to a normal pace? One where I can look at each 'obstacle' objectively, 'taking action' rather than 'reacting to' each situation as it occurs. While I do my best not to think about what 'could' happen, what 'might' go wrong, it's not always as easy as it seems. Sure, there are always bumps in the road but to plan on them doesn't do a bit of good. I know that as well as anybody but yet I still tend do it. Maybe it's because I continue to get daily reminders of how much my life currently sucks. I firmly believe that living in the present is very important to our outlook on life and the choices we make for our future. The past is the past and there is nothing we can do about it. That's all fine and dandy. But I have so much trouble believing that the worst is over and that there are going to be better days ahead. I know better than to say it just can't get any worse because as we all know, instantly something else will happen and sure enough, things just got worse. I guess that's why I have so much trouble believeing that I have truly hit rock bottom. That it's ok to finally look toward a brighter future. It's because I know damn well that there is more crap to come, more things that are gonna do their very best to knock me down and keep me there.


As I look back on the last three or four years, I've had tons of stuff thrown my way that at the time I had no idea how I was gonna survive them, let alone move forward. Heck, most of the time I didn't wanna make it through as I knew darn well there was more crap waiting right around the corner. And yet, somehow here I am. Couldn't begin to tell you how I got through each dilemma but yet I did, well enough to face the next nightmare. Not sure if that's good or bad, it just is. And I also realize that everybody goes through crap in there lives, devastating situations that surely tear at their heart and make them question themselves, their thoughts, their beliefs and yet they go forward as well. So I guess that's what I'm gonna have to do. I'm going to have to continue trudging down this long and winding road to who knows where, to who knows what, for reasons unknown. I'm not a quitter, just too stupid I guess or maybe I'm just so afraid of failing that I can't give up. Not sure I could really live with myself if I did give up so in essence, that's not an option. Perhaps I'm just a glutton for punishment, some sort of sadist and I have this secret passion for pain. No, I don't think that's it. I truly do want to be happy and that's what keeps me moving forward with the hopes that someday things will get better. That I will find a woman that loves me, a career I'm passionate about and truly live the life of my dreams. Yet with every disappointment, every let down it becomes increasingly more and more difficult to remain focused on a better future.


I guess that's where the past can play a big part in our future. Knowing that we have tackled the same crap already, that unsurmountable mountain of stuff that at one point was a 'no way am I gonna make it through' and now here we are on the other side of that hill from hell, looking at a new nightmare. A new 'disaster' that we have to find some way, at all cost to make it through. They say that every problem is just another opportunity to learn something new, about ourselves and what we're made of and that these so called opportunities will only continue to make us stronger. Well, to be honest, I'm getting kinda tired of all this learning and I'm pretty much ready to just ditch class from here on out. Haven't I learned enough 'lessons' to last me for the rest of my life? Aren't I strong enough by now? The way it's looking, apparently not.


So it's off to the 'mental gym' I go, learning to face new hurdles in my life, climb new mountains from hell, all in the hopes that the life of my dreams is waiting for me, on the other side.

There Really IS Something About?????

In the movie her name is Mary and DANG, I love that movie! I've seen it a thousand times and I'll probably watch it a thousand more. It's totally me in a nutshell. Not so much that I met someone a long time ago that I'm still pining over but the fact that I know what I'm looking for and I won't stop until I find her. Also, the ending which is the best part of the movie, hasn't exactly happened for me either. In the end he gets the girl, I haven't been so lucky.

But I can so relate to how 'stuck' he is on one woman. He knows what he likes, wants, needs and desires in a woman and that's that. End of story. No one else will do. Unfortunately, I'm pretty much that same way. I have dated and been in enough relationships to know what I want. I can pretty much tell right off the bat if it's got the potential to go anywhere or not and I don't date randomly, just to date. I can't 'fake' my emotions and I don't date just to feel 'wanted'. I ONLY date a woman in hopes of building a friendship that will last forever, with a dream of finding my one true love, the love of my life.

Yes, looks are a part of it, who's kiddin' who here? There has to be a physical attraction of some sort but that's why God made everyone 'different'. Because everybody is looking for something different and if anyone says that looks don't matter to some degree, I believe they aren't being completely honest with themselves or with others for that matter.

But that's such a small part in the overall scheme of things, it's so much more than that. That's why sites like 'Match' and 'Eharmony' can actually work. You get a glimpse of someone and that can be the initial 'spark' that's needed to get the ball rolling. Then, providing the profile is reasonably accurate, you can get somewhat of an idea of whether or not you have similar interests and have a desire to go any further. Not to say that some people don't 'embellish' their profile a bit, pictures, age, etc. but even then it still helps to get a bit of background before proceeding. One thing I do find kinda odd is how many 'world travelers' you'll find on those sites. It seems like all of the women have been travelling longer than they have actually been alive but that's another story.

Yes, you hear about all the guys that 'prey' on the single mothers, hoping for an easy 'target'. Tell the women what they want [need] to hear, get in and then get out just as quickly. Yes, there are plenty of guys like that. Some have even bragged to me of their 'conquests' but to me that is such a low and shallow way of living.

That is so not me. I don't mess around with peoples emotions, same as I hope they won't mess with mine. Doesn't always go that way of course but I'm all about KARMA and so I tell it like it is, right from the start and hope for the same in return. Karma is key. I don't lead women on just to get close to them, just as I hope they won't lead me on. I am honest to a fault which of course has caused me to get the lousy end of the 'deal' my entire life, yet that's just 'who' I am and I can't seem to change it.

So hopefully someday I will have the same luck as 'Ted'. I really shouldn't say 'luck'. He FINALLY found a woman that 'got him', understood him and realized what a 'score' he actually was. Women say to me quite often that they "can't believe I'm single, I'm such a great catch." Now, I would like to think so but whether or not that's true I really can't say. Even though I hate being single it still makes me feel good when a woman says that to me. Now don't get me wrong, I am very sincere and so far from conceited it's unreal [even though it may not sound like it here] but it's true, I hear it alot. It's just the fact that I refuse to 'settle'. And I also haven't found "the one" yet. The timing is ALWAYS wrong. Seems as if when I FINALLY find a woman that I think I could possibly build a future with, she just wants to date a bunch of guys [I don't date a bunch of women at once] or she's in a relationship already or she just got out of a relationship and the LAST thing she wants is to get back into a relationship. I'm only interested in a relationship that has the possibility of lasting a lifetime so to 'serial date' is just not me. Like they say, "Timing is everything" and it just never seems to be right for me.

Yes, I'm probably just too stupid to give up. Maybe I should but I'm just not a quitter. I just have to believe that someday the timing will be right. I have no right whatsoever to be picky and in my eyes I'm not. In fact, I don't even like that phrase. In my mind I'm not really being picky as much as I just know early on if it even has a possibility of becoming a long term relationship or not and if not, I just won't get involved. I have a very good idea of what I want in my 'future' partner and I won't 'settle' until I find a woman that has some of those things. Someone that shares my 'core' values and beliefs.

So I guess if picky is the opposite of desperate then yes, that's me. I don't think that I'm tryin' to find a woman that's 'out of my league'. I don't want the super glam, gold digger, trophy chick. I want a 'real' woman that I can actually do 'things' with. Sure, sex is a big part of a relationship but you still have to communicate and 'get along' in all other aspects. I want to find my 'best friend' and build a relationship on that.

So thank God for this movie. It still gives idiots like me at least one ounce of hope that maybe I will find a 'real' woman that "gets me", appreciates me for me and wants to build a friendship with me that will last a lifetime. Yes, I guess I'm a hopeless romantic. "Old Fashioned" sounds kinda lame, I'd prefer to think of myself as "Old School". So I will continue to trudge ahead on this extremely bumpy road until the timing is FINALLY right. Because There Really IS Something About?????