How Do You Know When It's Right?

This is a question that I've been asking myself from about as far back as I can remember. Well, at least somewhere back around the time I became interested in girls. Come to think of it, I've been interested in girls from as far back as I can remember. Sheesh, that IS a long time.



Hard to believe I've been struggling with this question for that long. How will I know when it's right? How will I ever be able to tell when I've met THE ONE? This just has to be one of the most often asked questions, regardless of gender.




I'll bet even the Cavemen were asking this very question as well. I kinda wonder if they just knew it by the feeling of their hair as they drug them into their caves. I'm not thinkin' communication was a huge part of a relationship back then.





I can remember my Dad telling me, "Oh, you'll know when it's right." What kind of a lame answer is that? That seems to be the default answer that every parent read in "The Dummies Guide To Raising Your Kids". Haven't we all heard that standard answer about a million times?





Sure, as kids we fall for it about the first three or four hundred times but after that, we begin to question the logic behind such a theory. At that point, we don't even know how to drive a car, how in the hell are we supposed to know if she's THE ONE? Our one and only, our destiny, our soulmate?



"Oh, don't worry, it's a feeling you'll get inside. You'll know when it's right". Huh? Inside where? Based on that theory, I've met the one on more than one occasion. And let me tell you, it's pretty damn obvious at this point that they weren't the one. At least not the one I dream about anyway.




And besides, what exactly is this feeling that I'm supposed to be getting? Is it a peaceful, serene, quiet inside type of thing or is it a full on frustrating, raging sexual tension kinda thing? It's comical how those that say that I'll know it when I feel it sure as hell are lousy at describing the feeling themselves.


If they found it so easily, and knew they had found it then it seems to me that they should sure be able to describe it just as easily. But all to often that doesn't seem to be the case. Nope, not at all. In fact, completely the opposite.



Most of those that you ask just seem to begin staring at the floor, shuffling their feet in hopes that it's all a bad dream and the question will somehow just disappear, back to whence it came. But no such luck. This is a question that demands an answer. An answer to an as yet unsolved mystery.



So as the questionee begins to ponder all of the possible answers they could give in an effort to just get it over with and answer the question at hand, their mind goes into hyper~drive and the smoke starts pouring out of their ears.






Not only do they not have a legitimate answer, now they find themselves swimming in a sea of self doubt, wondering as to whether or not they themselves ended up with their one and only. After all the questions they asked themselves before they ever made their connection, did they make the right choice?



No doubt they were so sure at the time, not a question in their mind but for some strange reason things aren't so cut 'n dry for them. So they start mumbling some kinda mumbo jumbo, praying that their phone will magically ring, allowing them to get out of answering the original question.



Noticing the extreme anguish on their face, it's probably best to just withdraw the question at this point. No need to cause a divorce over a stupid question, right? Well, it's not that it's a totally stupid question, just one that isn't all that easily answered. No matter how easy you think it is.




Perhaps that's because it's more of a feeling rather than a thought, a process of elimination. Assessing all of your feelings, both positive and negative as they pertain to the person you desire to be with and then coming to a conclusion of sorts, which would make complete sense as I truly believe that the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone is a decision that will have to be made by you, not an outsider so to speak. But for some reason that sounds entirely too logical.



While their input and advice can be a welcome thing in this situation, ultimately it's you that is going to have to decide what's right for you. Oh, and I guess the person that you're planning on spending the rest of eternity with should have a bit of a say in this decision as well. I mean, it's only fair.





After all, this is a huge decision. For both of you. This pretty much spells the end of the road as it were, the end of the dating road. Which as we all know can be a huge blessing. Whether we'd like to admit it or not, DATING SUCKS!



At least for most people it does. Yes, there are some serial daters out there that have made dating their lifes mission, seemingly never wanting it to end. Kinda like those kids that stay in college for 14 years and never graduate. The real world can be a scary thing, same as a real relationship. So much better to hide in the Land Of No Commitment, the home of zero expectations.



I would have to believe that almost everyone would rather be in a monogamous, committed relationship but find it so much easier to just skate through life, single and scammin'.



Like a rock skipping across a pond. Never really landing anywhere stable, just droppin' by only long enough to get some traction for another leap towards who knows where, movin' on to something seemingly bigger and better.

But as we all know, eventually that rock sinks into the muddy, murky depths below, never to be heard from again. And so it is with the dating world. All those years of going from pit stop to pit stop will surely leave you in the pits. Doesn't sound very appealing to me, that's for sure.


But the other side to that dreadful race to nowhereville is the other form of hell, known as settling. Yep, in essence giving up and doing whatever it takes, basically sacrificing your soul to avoid being alone. Surely that's not the answer. Is it?

Damn I hope not because to me, that's just as miserable, if not more so than being alone. I'm sure we've all known plenty of people that although they aren't physically alone, they are some of the loneliest people on earth. Married, kids, the whole nine yards, yet they are so unhappy and only wish they were single again.

How terrible would that be to know that you're in a relationship with someone that you aren't attracted to, have nothing in common with and have zero connection to. Besides a Marriage License of course. Yet, in essence you're stuck with that person forever. I'll take being single and alone over that prison any day of the week.




I truly don't believe that life was meant to be spent alone. Sure, it might appear to be an easier way to live. In theory you can avoid all of the heartache, heart break and disappointment that some relationships tend to entail. But you'll also miss out on all of the joy, happiness and bliss that comes from finding the one. From spending your life with your true love.

Although I have yet to meet my one and only, I know it's only a matter of time before I do. And I also know that it will be worth all of the heartache I've had to endure along the way. It's like they say, without the bad, how would we know when things are good? And I have no doubt that's true.


Of course it totally sucks (ok, MAJORLY totally sucks!) when you're going through all of those bad times and it's even worse when some well meaning individual tells you that it just wasn't meant to be, which at that point is pretty much the last thing you want to hear.

Eventually though, once you scrape up what's left of your heart off the hot asphalt with a worn out spatula (how's that for a visual?) and begin to trudge the long and lonely road ahead once again, you come to realize that it never would have worked for the long haul and to continue on would have just been futile.




And for me, it has to be able to stand the test of time. I want a long term, monogamous, commited relationship and I refuse to bring my heart out of hiding for anything less than that. Why risk all that heartbreak on a connection that doesn't show all the signs of having that possibility? No thank you, not interested.

Problem is, in your mind you were thinking that maybe she could be the one but once you begin to be honest, with yourself and who you truly are on the inside, you have to admit that although you knew it wasn't totally there for you, perhaps the compromises that you were willing to make just wouldn't have been worth it in the long run.

I have no doubt that true love does exist and it will require some sacrifices and to some extent you also have to make compromises. But that isn't to say that you must compromise who you are, on the inside, for another person.



Once you begin to change who you are as a person and what you truly want in a relationship for the sake of not being alone, that is a sure guarantee that you will never be happy in the end.

With over six billion people on the planet, you'd have to think that there's someone, a soulmate, a one and only, out there for everyone. The problem is, how on earth do you find your soulmate? And when and if you are lucky enough to find your one and only, how will you know for sure that this person is THE ONE? Oh, you'll just know.....



Have you found yourself wondering when and IF you'll ever find THE ONE and how you'll know when you do, I'd appreciate hearing your and your feelings about your quest for your soulmate and if you enjoyed this Post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.

Steppin' WAY Outside the Zone!

Wikipedia defines "Comfort Zone" as: The comfort zone is a behavioural state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviours to deliver a steady level of performance, usually without a sense of risk.



The comfort zone refers to the set of environments and behaviours with which somebody is comfortable, without creating a sense of risk. A person's personality can be described by his or her comfort zones.



Highly successful persons may routinely step outside their comfort zones, to accomplish what they wish. A comfort zone is a type of mental conditioning that causes a person to create and operate mental boundaries. Such boundaries create an unfounded sense of security. Like inertia, a person who has established a comfort zone in a particular axis of his or her life, will tend to stay within that zone without stepping outside of it. To step outside a person's comfort zone, they must experiment with new and different behaviours, and then experience the new and different responses that then occur within their environment.



Phew, that's a mouthful! I think that basically what they're saying is that it's a self imposed safety zone of sorts, a place where nothing can go wrong in your life. A place where you can just kick back, let the world go by and nothing can hurt you.



A place where nothing ever goes wrong, every day is full of blue skies and sunshine. Well, I've got some news for you, it's full of lots of other stuff as well. And some of it not so good.




Like boredom, depression, mediocrity, laziness, basically business as usual. Nothin out of the ordinary, ever! In essence, the home of status quo. Basically BO~RING but safe. Safe from harm. Safe from risk. Safe....from...well, from experiencing life. Sounds like tons o' fun, huh? NOT!



I'm sure most of you know your own Comfort Zones very well, you've lived there your entire lives.You know exactly what to expect, no surprises there, that's for sure. No surprises, for better....or for worse.




I say for worse because last I heard, life was meant to be experienced. In all ways. Be it people, places or things, each and every new adventure entails some amount of risk. After all, it wouldn't be an adventure if you knew what was going to happen beforehand. But if not for that risk, I don't think it would be considered an adventure.



"Adventure" is defined as: An activity that is perceived to involve risks, danger or exciting experiences.




In essence, life is an adventure. No matter how much we plan out our day, very rarely, if ever does it go according to plan. In fact, it usually doesn't take very long before something happens to send your entire day off on a completely different path. One in which you had never even bothered to consider.



This is where your Comfort Zone comes into play because it's decision time. You're going to have to make a decision about something and chances are, it's gonna mean the difference between layin' low in your Comfort Zone or risking it all and venturing out to a brave new world, a new civilization, a place where more than likely you've never gone before.



We've all heard that saying, No Risk, No Reward or the similar version, Big Risk, Big Reward. Either way, along with the possible reward comes the inherent danger of making a mistake. Making a fool of yourself. Basically looking like an idiot and nobody likes that.



No one wants to come across as an idiot. Therefore, if you stay in your Zone, you're for the most part idiot proof. But your life isn't gonna be a whole lotta fun, that's for sure. You're definitely not gonna get the most out of each and every day, which kinda makes you look like an idiot anyway, for wasting your life. Sort of a Catch 22.



Keep in mind that this last statement is more or less directed at me. Yep, I find myself hidin' in my own Zone far too often for my own good but hell, it's so comfy and cozy, so downright safe in there, can you blame me? It gives me the warm 'n fuzzies just thinkin' about how nice it is in there.



Even though I know damn well I'll never get anywhere in life without taking risks, by just stayin' comfy, for some reason it seems to be my default place to hang out. If I don't wanna take a chance on makin' a fool of myself, I just duck down and let the world (life) fly by. No harm, no foul. Just keep everything status quo and you're good to go.



Then all of a sudden, it dawns on you. Your life totally sucks! Same ol', same ol', day in and day out. Can you imagine if every freeway, every street, every road you ever traveled was straight and flat?



No uphills, no downhills, no left or right turns, nothing but straight and flat for as far as the eye could see. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? And so it is with life in your Zone.



Even though I've done my best to be more conscious of hiding in my own Zone as of late, I still find myself getting caught in my own trap. My fluffy, danger free trap. I know it's not a good place to hang out and I've been doin'my best to break free of my old habits and venture out to the land of the unknown. The world outside my Comfort Zone.



Now, there are only so many opportunities that present themselves, affording you the possibility of steppin' out of your Zone. Besides those that you create yourself.



And you surely can't map out your plan of attack ahead of time because you have absolutely no idea what it is you're going to be reacting to. Let alone what your reaction would be even if you did know ahead of time.



This scenario played out in living color for me on Friday night. My buddy showed up just before dark and so we hauled butt down to the Dock to enjoy the end of a beautiful lakeside day. Once darkness set in, it was time to think about dinner.



Neither of us wanted the hassle, let alone the time required to cook anything and while there aren't many choices up here, there is a cool Mexican Restaurant that serves great food and since I just happen to love good food, we locked up the Dockhouse and we were on our way.



Things can get kinda crowded there on the weekends but it was after the dinner hour and so lucky us, no wait. The Hostess grabbed a couple menus and began escorting us to our table. She approached a small table in an open area, which I didn't much care for but we were both hungry and so it was fine.



As we got closer to the table, she hesitated, spotted another table and we continued on to our new destination. This was a booth, much easier to spread your food around so I was stoked. But I had no idea just how stoked I was gonna be.



Directly in my line of sight, about three tables away, sat the woman of my dreams. My first thought was how lucky I was (and to top it off, on a non fave day, Friday 13th) that we didn't get stuck at that first table. I never would have seen her, unless I caught a glimpse as she walked out.



Immediately things turned into one of those out of body experiences, like when you're dreaming and you're floating above your body, watching yourself from outside yourself. I can faintly remember my buddy talkin' but again, I really couldn't hear him.



It's no wonder I'm single, I have a certain type that I'm really attracted to and as much as I try and tell myself I'm not, there are certain physical characteristics that just spark for me. And this woman had 'em, that's for sure. I think that everyone has a different vision of beauty and thankfully, everyone is built differently.



I don't think that my idea of beauty is the universally accepted vision in everyones mind. Definitely not the type that the Media says is Americas Most Beautiful. The natural, girl next door does it for me. My dream woman might go completely unnoticed to someone else and vice versa but all I can say is if I could have ordered a woman out of a catalog, she is pretty much who I would have ordered.



And that's the only reason I even contemplated leaving my Comfort Zone for a split second. I'm not a Serial Dater, I've had my heart broken so many times that I don't even bother anymore unless I feel very strongly about a woman, unless I think there's a possibility of a long term relationship. Why go through all that heartache for no reason.



But this woman triggered something in me that had me mesmerized. My mind was racing, should I, shouldn't I? Should I walk over to her table and say Hi? Should I just sit here and stare at her (not good), not saying a word? With so many thoughts spinning through my head, I still couldn't hear anything my buddy was saying.




Since we had left the Cabin so quickly, I just threw on some basic clothes, never grabbed my wallet or anything else. It never dawned on me we'd be havin' dinner out. So this left me without any way of leaving her my contact info.



So, I had to ask myself, is that a hint of reality bringing me to my senses or is that just an excuse to give up and sit here, in my Zone?





Back and forth, back and forth, 'round 'n around in my head, all these should I's or shouldn't I's flew around like a Kansas tornado for what seemed like 10 hours but since the waitress just returned to take our order, it was probably more like 10 minutes. It's funny how time flys when you're havin' an out of body experience.



Glancing at the waitress' apron full of pens, that did it. I asked if I could borrow a pen and she also offered a piece of paper from her tablet. I'm not so sure that if she knew I was stalkin' one of her customers, she would have been so accomodating with the writing equipment but that's neither here nor there.




What was important is that I finally had a way to leave her my info. I could still hear my buddy talkin' (no idea what he was sayin') as I wrote down my info. and as I recall, it was mid sentence when I got up from the table and walked over to introduce myself.




I finally decided that there was absolutely ZERO chance that she would ever contact me if I didn't approach her but my odds went way up to about One in a Million (ok, One in a Trillion) chance that she would contact me if I left my digits.




So I literally jumped up, leavin my Comfort Zone so far behind me, I couldn't even see it anymore and I trembled my way over to her table. I had no game plan, no idea what I was gonna say, no pick up line to lay on her, no preparation whatsoever. All I knew was that I HAD to do this or I would regret it forever.




Her and her friend were both surprised that some goofball would walk all the way across a restaurant (this wasn't some Meat Market pickup place or a Bar) in the middle of their meal to introduce himself. I really have no idea what I even said, besides Hello and shaking her hand which was pretty easy since my entire body was shaking so much.



Surprisingly, it went pretty well (I think) for such a completely awkward experience. I mean, at least they didn't break out in sheer hysterics until they finished their meal and were completely out of sight. I wobbled my way back to the table and tried to catch my breath. Talk about a harrowing experience, this was so far out of my Zone that I completely forgot I even had a Zone.




Of course, all through the meal, I kept thinkin' of things I should have said, should have done to make the whole thing go better and to make the possibility of her contacting me drop from a Trillion to One way down to a Billion to One. But at that point, it was too late. There was no going back over there, she was gone.





All the woulda coulda shouldas in the world didn't matter at that point. All I had was her first name and a basic idea what part of So. Cal. she lived in. That was it. Just as fast as she entered my life (or I invaded hers, whichever way you wanna look at it), she was gone. Like two ships passing in the night, she sailed off to waters unknown and I pretty much ran into an iceberg and friggin' sank!



One other strange thing that happened, as I sat back down at the booth, I noticed something shiny under the table. Thinking it might be a spoon or something, I reached down to pick it up and it turned out to be a coin. I couldn't see it at first (kinda dark under there) but it was semi heavy and about the size of a silver dollar. So I thought to myself, cool, I found a silver dollar to remember this occasion by.





I like old coins so I was anxious to see the date on it. Turns out it's some kinda coin from Panama, unknown denomination, with a picture of Balboa the Explorer on it. Needless to say, monetarily it's worth about zero but as a reminder of a very special occasion, an important life lesson, it's priceless.



So as we finished our meal, my buddy kept talkin' (I think) and I kept wishin' I would have done a few things differently. It's always easier the second time, which got me to thinkin' that even though there was maybe a One in a Million (ok, One in a Trillion) chance of her ever making contact, I know if and when something like this happens again, I'll be much more prepared and have a better idea of what I'll do.



I'm also happy to know that I was intrigued enough by a woman to forget about my heart (and my ego), even for a split second and just risk it all by making a complete fool of myself.





I only know of one other woman that has ever enthused me nearly as much (in fact, with her it's even more than this), enough to lay it ALL on the line (TWICE!), my heart on the chopping block so it was good to know that I could be excited enough by a woman to take a chance like this again.



As I mentioned earlier, I've had enough heartache to last me two lifetimes and so I'm in no hurry to have it happen again. But I'm super stoked, very proud of myself that I didn't let that stop me, I stepped out of my Zone, took a huge chance on pursuing my dreams, regardless of whatever it is I stood to lose.



Will I ever get to see her again? I hate to sound negative but being realistic, I'd have to say no. Did I take away a huge lesson from all this? You better believe I did. I learned that one can leave their Comfort Zone, step insanely far outside it and still survive. I may not have won the prize....but I didn't die from it either. In fact, I learned a few things, so overall I'd have to say it was a good experience.



So if I can pass anything along to someone else that might feel trapped, stuck in their own Zone, it's that any time you take a chance, on anything, there is gonna be a certain amount of risk but I'm still here, alive and kickin', to tell you that you're not gonna die from it and if you're lucky like me, you just might learn a thing or two. Who knows, you could end up with your own reward.




If you can relate to hidin' in your own Comfort Zone, I'd enjoy hearing about it and if you enjoyed this Post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.

There Really IS Something About?????

In the movie her name is Mary and DANG, I love that movie! I've seen it a thousand times and I'll probably watch it a thousand more. It's totally me in a nutshell. Not so much that I met someone a long time ago that I'm still pining over but the fact that I know what I'm looking for and I won't stop until I find her. Also, the ending which is the best part of the movie, hasn't exactly happened for me either. In the end he gets the girl, I haven't been so lucky.

But I can so relate to how 'stuck' he is on one woman. He knows what he likes, wants, needs and desires in a woman and that's that. End of story. No one else will do. Unfortunately, I'm pretty much that same way. I have dated and been in enough relationships to know what I want. I can pretty much tell right off the bat if it's got the potential to go anywhere or not and I don't date randomly, just to date. I can't 'fake' my emotions and I don't date just to feel 'wanted'. I ONLY date a woman in hopes of building a friendship that will last forever, with a dream of finding my one true love, the love of my life.

Yes, looks are a part of it, who's kiddin' who here? There has to be a physical attraction of some sort but that's why God made everyone 'different'. Because everybody is looking for something different and if anyone says that looks don't matter to some degree, I believe they aren't being completely honest with themselves or with others for that matter.

But that's such a small part in the overall scheme of things, it's so much more than that. That's why sites like 'Match' and 'Eharmony' can actually work. You get a glimpse of someone and that can be the initial 'spark' that's needed to get the ball rolling. Then, providing the profile is reasonably accurate, you can get somewhat of an idea of whether or not you have similar interests and have a desire to go any further. Not to say that some people don't 'embellish' their profile a bit, pictures, age, etc. but even then it still helps to get a bit of background before proceeding. One thing I do find kinda odd is how many 'world travelers' you'll find on those sites. It seems like all of the women have been travelling longer than they have actually been alive but that's another story.

Yes, you hear about all the guys that 'prey' on the single mothers, hoping for an easy 'target'. Tell the women what they want [need] to hear, get in and then get out just as quickly. Yes, there are plenty of guys like that. Some have even bragged to me of their 'conquests' but to me that is such a low and shallow way of living.

That is so not me. I don't mess around with peoples emotions, same as I hope they won't mess with mine. Doesn't always go that way of course but I'm all about KARMA and so I tell it like it is, right from the start and hope for the same in return. Karma is key. I don't lead women on just to get close to them, just as I hope they won't lead me on. I am honest to a fault which of course has caused me to get the lousy end of the 'deal' my entire life, yet that's just 'who' I am and I can't seem to change it.

So hopefully someday I will have the same luck as 'Ted'. I really shouldn't say 'luck'. He FINALLY found a woman that 'got him', understood him and realized what a 'score' he actually was. Women say to me quite often that they "can't believe I'm single, I'm such a great catch." Now, I would like to think so but whether or not that's true I really can't say. Even though I hate being single it still makes me feel good when a woman says that to me. Now don't get me wrong, I am very sincere and so far from conceited it's unreal [even though it may not sound like it here] but it's true, I hear it alot. It's just the fact that I refuse to 'settle'. And I also haven't found "the one" yet. The timing is ALWAYS wrong. Seems as if when I FINALLY find a woman that I think I could possibly build a future with, she just wants to date a bunch of guys [I don't date a bunch of women at once] or she's in a relationship already or she just got out of a relationship and the LAST thing she wants is to get back into a relationship. I'm only interested in a relationship that has the possibility of lasting a lifetime so to 'serial date' is just not me. Like they say, "Timing is everything" and it just never seems to be right for me.

Yes, I'm probably just too stupid to give up. Maybe I should but I'm just not a quitter. I just have to believe that someday the timing will be right. I have no right whatsoever to be picky and in my eyes I'm not. In fact, I don't even like that phrase. In my mind I'm not really being picky as much as I just know early on if it even has a possibility of becoming a long term relationship or not and if not, I just won't get involved. I have a very good idea of what I want in my 'future' partner and I won't 'settle' until I find a woman that has some of those things. Someone that shares my 'core' values and beliefs.

So I guess if picky is the opposite of desperate then yes, that's me. I don't think that I'm tryin' to find a woman that's 'out of my league'. I don't want the super glam, gold digger, trophy chick. I want a 'real' woman that I can actually do 'things' with. Sure, sex is a big part of a relationship but you still have to communicate and 'get along' in all other aspects. I want to find my 'best friend' and build a relationship on that.

So thank God for this movie. It still gives idiots like me at least one ounce of hope that maybe I will find a 'real' woman that "gets me", appreciates me for me and wants to build a friendship with me that will last a lifetime. Yes, I guess I'm a hopeless romantic. "Old Fashioned" sounds kinda lame, I'd prefer to think of myself as "Old School". So I will continue to trudge ahead on this extremely bumpy road until the timing is FINALLY right. Because There Really IS Something About?????