My Dearest Annabelle....

How do I even begin to put in to words just how much meeting you has meant to me? It seems that mere words aren't enough to say what's on my mind and in my heart. To tell you how I truly feel. Yet, in some way I need to tell the world about one of the most wonderful people I could have ever hoped to have met. While I made an attempt in an earlier post, You Were Right On Time!, I feel the need to let everyone know just how incredible you truly are.


I have struggled with this post for about a month now. It was approximately this time last month that I found out that one of the sweetest people I have ever known had passed away. That I had lost someone so dear to my heart, that I would never again get to talk with you, to hear your beautiful voice. Needless to say I was devastated by the news and have been ever since.

And as you can tell, I'm having extreme difficulty refering to anything in the past tense. I keep hoping that the next time I open my eyes, this will all be just a bad dream, a nightmare of sorts and that all of a sudden my phone will ring and it will be you on the other end, calling to tell me that everything is ok. Oh, how I need to hear your voice right now.


Every time I sit down at my desk and attempt to express my emotions, my inner feelings, the flood of tears begins to flow uncontrollably and the river of sorrow clouds my eyes to the point of not being able to see the keyboard and with my lack of typing skills, I need to look at the keys quite often. This has been one of the most difficult posts I've ever written.


Yet I know I can't give up, I need to persevere. In fact, after spending the last few hours typing this post the first time [yes, I said the "first" time] my computer "locked up" and I completely lost everything I had originally written. Even though the draft had apparently been saved, obviously that wasn't the case. And so here we go, again. I refuse to give up.


Speaking of refusing to give up, that's one of many things that I learned from you. All the times I complained about losing a girlfriend, a car, even my Condo and wanted to have a "pity party", to just "pack it in", to just get drunk and more or less just bail on life, you had a very subtle way of letting me know that quitting wasn't even an option. That every problem that I looked at as being so insurmountable was merely just another bump on the road of life.

Not that you ever had a pity party of your own or tried to throw your problems in the mix but you showed me how to overcome obstacles that would take anyone down, merely by changing my perspective. How everything in life could be conquered with an attitude adjustment, which begins with being grateful.

Being grateful. Sounds like such a simple idea, just an old cliche'. Yet it isn't always that easy. With all of the struggles of daily life it's hard to remain focused on all we have to be grateful for. It's much easier to look at what we don't have and continue to say how much better our lives would be if we had "this" or "that". We seem to take for granted everything we already have, continually wanting more but you have shown me just how precious another sunrise can be, another sunset.

That's just one of the many things I've learned from you. I only wish I could give back to you one ounce of what you've given me. As I look back through all of our emails [yes, I cherish them and saved them all] I still find it odd when you mention my willpower and courage. As far as I'm concerned, anything that I have accomplished is nothing in comparison to all you have conquered. You showed me what real courage, in the face of major adversity, truly is and for that I will be forever grateful.

Speaking of never giving up, I never wanted to be thought of as a quitter. Like they say, "Don't ever give up. You never know who or what could be just around the corner." But until I met you, I never actually knew how true this was. Before I met you, there were many times I wanted to just give in and say forget it, yet had I done that I never would have met you and what a tremendous loss that would have been for me and my life. Again, another reason to be grateful.

I find myself feeling so confused, even angry at the thought of you being gone. How could such a beautiful person be taken away at such a young age? And why did you have to struggle throughout your life? You always told me that G*d didn't give us any more than we could handle but why would he make you fight so hard? You deserved a life without pain and heartache and how I would have given anything for you to have that. You know me, I'm "Mr. Fix It" and if there's a problem, I need to fix it, right away if not sooner and this was a situation I couldn't fix. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't make it any better for you and this will always leave me wondering why. Why couldn't I have done more?

Annabelle, I can never begin to thank you enough for everything you have done for me. I truly consider meeting you to be one of the greatest things that's ever happened in my life. Your words of wisdom and encouragement will always be with me as you will forever be in my heart and soul. Your courage, strength, intelligence, kindness, the warmth of your heart, they will always be on my mind. Oh, I miss you so much. My heart is truly broken.

Annabelle, I Love You, I will never forget you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being my friend.