Dang Dude, DON'T Ding Me!

WHY? WHY? WHY? Why do people INSIST on trying to park as close to the front entrance of the store as possible? I just don't get it. What is the true benefit of this endeavor? In fact, is there really any type of benefit whatsoever?

I'm sure you've seen them before, those people that do lap after lap in front of the Store, in search of an opening to squeeze their Pinto into. Just one space closer and that could mean 10 less footsteps they'll have to go to reach the promised land.



It's the funniest thing because as you watch them continue on their ridiculous Parade around the lot, like clockwork, time and time again a car leaves and a space opens up just behind where they are now.




You can see their eyes hit the rear view mirror as they spot the movement and then it's instant decision time. If they immediately throw it in reverse, it's possible that they might be able to grab that spot. Only one problem, the car that just left that spot is right on their ass and so they can't back up. SHIT!




Option two is to haul ass around the lot and come back in from the same direction you just came. The wheels begin turning inside their head and as the smoke begins to flow from their ears, you can see it in their face that the decision is excruciatingly brutal for them. Such a dilemma.




Next thing you know, they FLOOR IT in an attempt to get around this section of parked cars, so they can get back to heading in their original direction. SCREEEEECH, the smoke start billowing from the front tires of their beat up old minivan and there off.





If you listen closely, you can hear Mom screamin' "Hang on kids, Mommas found us a parkin' space!" So with kids and car seats flyin' around, they're off to their new parking place. Woo Hoo, can't wait to get there.


About three quarters of the way there, she spots somethin' up ahead. And it doesn't look good. Sure as shit! Somebody else is just pulling into that coveted spot that she wanted so dearly. HER SPOT!



Are you f'n kidding me?, she yells to her 9, 8, 8, 6, 4, 3, 1 and 8 month old kids (all from different Daddys of course) as they gradually get up off the floor after slamming into the backs of the seats as a result of her slamming on her brakes so damn hard. Seemingly in unison, all the kids (at least the ones that can speak) ask, Mommy, what's wrong?




Oh, nothing kids, it's just that some idiot stole Mommys parking place and now we're gonna have to find a new one, that's all. But we'll find one alot better than that one anyway. It will be a whole lot closer to the Store.

As she slowly drives by her arch enemy, she notices something that seems oddly familiar with the car. Yes, something seems very familiar about it but she just can't place it. Then it finally dawns on her, it was another one of the Parking Lot Vultures and this is the one that had been following her around in circles for 45 minutes.



She can't help but be grateful that the spot went to a kindred spirit, someone of the same ilk, another of the relentless CloseParkers. So rather than give the driver the one fingered salute as she had originally intended, she gave a quick Rose Parade wave and a hint of a smile....and she was off again, on her search for another upfronter.

Even as upset as she was, she still had to give props to one of her kind, one that never gave up on their pursuit of the closest space. After all, she had no idea how long they themselves had been searching for their spot but it could been much longer than she had been conducting her own surveillance so again, she had to be slightly happy for them.



Suddenly, snapping out of her self induced trance, she spotted something very familiar ahead. Something very bright and shiny, sure to attract the attention of any female. But these were the lights she'd spent all morning searching for.

Unable to resist their calling, she had no other option but to drive in that direction, the direction of the lights. She knew she was goin' the right way as they were getting brighter and brighter by the second, she knew she was almost there!



Suddenly, everything changed to bright red. That was her signal, everything she had been waiting for. She knew that when the lights changed from a bright white to a glowing red, that was her calling. She knew she had to get there....and get there NOW!

Sitting there, she just knew her timing was perfect. Finally all of her effort was gonna to pay off. This was her spot and she was gonna grab it, no matter what. After all, she followed all of the FrontParker rules, basically stating that you drive around in circles until either you crash into a parked car from being so dizzy or else a spot finally opens up and you can park. Sounds simple enough, that's for sure.



Sitting there for quite some time, she began to ask herself what in the hell could be taking this idiot so long to get moving? She waited for the lights, the back~up lights signaling that the car was leaving. Then the brake lights came on, signaling the end of the backing out process and once the red lights go out, that will signal the beginning of forward progress meaning she can FINALLY get in her spot.

Phew, that took forever but it was sooooo worth it. I'm gonna be right up front. Mission accomplished. Hey, wait a minute! As the car that just pulled out began to drive away, the spot that it just vacated was mysteriously missing. How can that be? I KNOW it just pulled out of there somewhere, yet there isn't an open space anywhere to be found.


Out of the corner of her eye, she notices a sparkle of sorts. Again, women just don't miss sparkly things. As it turns out, it's a bit of glare coming off of the window of a car door that's just beginning to open. Then for some reason it starts a kind of blinking effect, kind of an on and off shimmering.



Turns out the flickering is being caused by the door banging relentlessly off of the door on the car parked next to it. If her window wasn't rolled up, no doubt she would have heard all of this noise earlier but now that she knows it's another like minded CloseParker that stole her parking place, she is left with no other choice but to drive on, knowing that she was defeated by a worthy foe.

Perhaps it's time for a new approach. Well, not necessarily new but not often attempted in the world of CloseParkers. Yes, it's thought of more as a kind of default method rather than the chosen method. It's known in certain circles as the sit there in one place and friggin' wait method.



I'm sure you've seen this type of Parker before. Yep, they're the ones that seemingly sit right in the middle of the aisle, no way to get by them on either side, waiting for the parking space that doesn't even exist.

And the worst part of these idiots is that they'll continue to sit there, even though they know damn well you're stuck behind them, unable to go anywhere, pinned in by some other CloseParker that was following them around in the circle of hell.




I guess they figure that at some point one of these spots just HAS to open up and with any luck, they'll be close enough to grab it. The riskier of the bunch will sometimes roll down their window, yelling out to random shoppers walking by, "Hey, ya leavin'?" in an attempt to head 'em off at the pass.



I'm sure you've seen this scenario play out before as well. The shopper has just battled the crowds inside, barely surviving the endless line~up at the Checkout counter, just wanting to make it out their car in one piece, unload their packages into their trunk and enjoy a nice, peaceful drive home. Sorry, not gonna happen!

Oh no, now they have some psycho in a minivan right on their heels (as if another car is going to drive in between them and steal their spot), stalking them all the way to their car. Once they arrive, all the sighs start, the revving of the engine, all of the under the breath comments. C'mon already.....Jeez, I haven't got all day here....Hey, other people need to buy some stuff here too....



You're just prayin' it doesn't turn into a huge episode of Parking Lot Rage because that's just gonna screw up the parking lot that much more. Then it's gonna get even uglier than it is already. But you can tell by most of the cars that the CloseParkers drive that they pretty much couldn't care less if their car sustains any more damage. Who knows, it might actually straighten out a previously dented area.


And so the victim finally finishes filling their trunk, gets in their car and hurriedly gets the hell outta there, allowing the minivan to pry its way in to the spot. Back and forth....back and forth...time and again, it almost happens and then about the nineteenth try, Voila! Like an old used can opener with cat food still stuck on it, it wasn't pretty but she got the job done.




Only one problem though. She's parked so close on the drivers side that she can't even get her door open! Of course, she tries it anyway, knowing full well that's it's NOT gonna happen but after slamming her door into the side of the car she's squeezed in next to about 10 times, she's forced to give up. After all, she's wasting precious shopping time, not to mention the fact that the kids are starting to scream even louder than before.

So she had everybody pile out the passenger side and begins to start her wonderful day of shopping. Sure, it was a struggle getting a parking space this close but it was oh so worth it. Yeah, it took about 45 minutes to find the one but again, she's so close that it's almost like she's a VIP or somethin'. Doesn't get any better than this.

Finally, getting the quadruple stroller all set up, they begin their journey to the entrance of the store. Oh, it's not very far but when you're draggin' 8 illegitimate kids with you, it's a struggle none the less.





Then it happens! About ten spaces closer to the front than she was able to get, a space is opening up. Yep, the white lights are comin' on....uh oh, they JUST changed to red! We KNOW what that means, OPEN SPOT callin' her name!

Suddenly her head starts spinnin', should she run back and get the minivan? Look how much closer she could be. So much less walking than she has to do know. OMG, what to do???

Then that last little bit of remaining common sense kicks in and she realizes that that would mean having to reload all the kids in the van, haul ass around to the new space and all in hopes that nobody else has grabbed it by that point. So after some major deliberation, she thinks better of just leaving well enough alone and being happy with the spot she has.



Continuing on towards the entrance, almost inside but yet she just can't help herself. She can't resist just taking one more peek at the parking space that almost was. And sure enough, it's still empty!

Thinking to herself how hard she had worked to get her space, how could that one still be open so long? I'd have to think that this is some kinda payback from above. Thank you Karma.



Payback for all the nightmares her and her kind have caused to all of the NormalParkers all over the world. People who are happy just to find a place that they're comfortable with, ANYWHERE in the lot.




I myself much prefer to go in the opposite direction of these CloseParkers. I'm more of an OtherEndOfTheLotParker. Yep, I'm one of those guys you see, parked all the way in the far corner, preferably with a curb on one side, in hopes of avoiding any idiots and door dings.


I don't want to be anywhere near these people that feel they need to squeeze in at all costs. No thank you. Now, I'm NOT one of those guys that parks on the line, taking up two spaces. Oh no, that's just askin' for some jealous fool to come by and key your car, just because it's nicer than his Prius.




Nope, not me. I'm just the kinda guy that's happy to find a drama free parking space with a bit of built in exercise. I don't mind walkin' a bit extra, not at all. In fact, last I heard, exercise is good for you.

So all you CloseParkers out there, go ahead and do all of your stress filled laps, lap after neverending lap. I've got some shopping to do and the longer you're out in the lot, strugglin' for a spot, the less crowded it is for me in the Checkout line.




Have you ever thought about what type of Parker you are? I'd enjoy hearing about where you prefer to park and your reasons for parking there and if you enjoyed this Post, I'd appreciate you sharing it with your friends.