OK, so it took me four years. Four long and sometimes miserable years but I think I finally get it. I finally understand. Understand that I might have actually made a good decision for once in my life. The day I decided to jump on the wagon.The day finally arrived that I came to my senses and decided to give it all up. Life as I knew it, this life of hell was officially gonna be over. No doubt it's been a long road since then, an extremely long road and what makes it even worse is the fact that I've basically just begun my journey. My Journey To Sobriety.
Filled with all kinds of peaks and valleys. Mountains that would seemingly make Everest envious and lows that would make Death Valley a cool place to hang out in the summer. No doubt a Roller Coaster that isn't meant for the weak and timid. Heck no, only the truly hard core need to buy a ticket for this ride.
Unfortunatley the highs of the mountains weren't actually a good thing. They were neverending uphill stretches where each switchback would fool you into thinkin' that you were almost there, only to find out that just around the bend was another hill twice as steep as the last.
Next thing you know, you've reached a plateau of sorts, seemingly allowing you to relax a bit, perhaps even let your guard down, take it easy for awhile. Short lived, this rest stop turns out to be filled with angst and indecision, not a place you really wanna hang out and so off your go again, off to trudge more unexplored highways and byways.
Both of which can be dangerous. Whether under your feet or in your mind, these Highways To Hell can surely eat you alive, if you let them. And more often than not, the choice isn't yours. Staying busy mentally can be but isn't always a good thing.
Sometimes your mind can start racing so fast that there's no way possible to slow it down. All the woulda coulda shouldas start flyin' through your brain, an endless stream of confusion, hitting you like a machine gone. No way to stop it, you can only sit there and take the self imposed barrage until the bullets run out. For now anyway.
I say for now because you never have any idea when and for how long this will go on. What you do know is it's gonna be a Roller Coaster ride from hell and all you can do is hang on, ride it out, hands tucked under your thighs, doin' your best to stop shakin' and just praying for it to be over. And not a minute too soon.
Eventually it does end but you have no idea for how long. Your first inclination is to do anything possible to stop your mind. To put an end to all this stinkin' thinkin'. To turn it off, to shut it down. At least for a while. Just long enough to stop this train from fallin' off the tracks. But you know how it is. As soon as you tell yourself not to think about something, you're instantly thinking about it....and nothing else.
Even though you continue to say don't, you do. "Get the 'F' outta my head!" you hear yourself scream.... but to no avail. It's still there, like that relentless caged hamster on the wheel, no way to make it stop. Eventually it does though, when you finally pass out from sheer exhaustion.
Of course the opposite of this stressful stretch are the days and nights where time seemingly stands still. Forward one second, backwards two seconds, forward two seconds, backwards three seconds and so on and so on it goes. Like time has basically stopped and all you're doing is drowning in a sea of failure and regret. Yeah, it's a wonderful feeling. NOT!
All you can do is just pray for the day to end so that you can finally go to sleep. Counting every second until darkness takes over the sky and hoping you'll be tired enough to where your mind will finally just give up and you can fall asleep.
Only problem is, your brain never got the Memo and so it continues to twist and turn inside your head with no signs whatsoever of slowing down, let alone stopping. How you ended up with a brain battery stronger than the Energizer Bunny's is a mystery to you but regardless, there's no signs of sleep in your immediate future and so you just lay there and suffer through the Civilian Ridealong.
That's when it dawns on you and you have to ask yourself how in the hell you ever got to sleep before, back in the good ol' days? Back when you were drinkin'. I mean, with all this crap runnin' through your mind, night after night, how did you ever manage to shut it off long enough to finally pass out?
Oh, that's right. That's exactly what I did. I partied 'till I eventually passed out. THAT'S how I was able to sleep. Well, if you could call it sleep anyway. Basically it was more like random hours of various stages of incoherency throughout the night, ending in the horrific buzzing of the alarm clock saying "Wake up, time to get ready for work!"
Head pounding, your first thought is what can I use for an excuse to get outta work this time? But then it dawns on you. If you take a day off work, that would mean less pay and even worse, you'd probably have to work a half day on Saturday which would totally kill your Friday night fun. Besides that, the fact that you couldn't sleep in on Saturday morning would also be a drag.
So get out of bed you must...and you do. After a couple of snooze buttons of course. By this time you're runnin' late, scramblin' to get out the door. As you run down the stairs to get to your car, the dizzy haze kinda kicks in and for a second you have to ask yourself where you parked.
Locating your car(luckily), you're on your way to work and at this point, you're glad you got outta bed and didn't bother makin' up some lie to get out of having to show up. That way you still have an excuse for a time when you REALLY need to get out of goin' to work.
After all, you're not feelin' near as hungover as you thought you would and you know for sure there's gonna be another time when you really feel like crap and HAVE to take the day off. I mean c'mon, it's inevitable, right? Right.
Weird thing is, for some reason you seemed to have felt much better when you first woke up but apparently all this movement you've been doin' all morning has kinda stirred things up again. And not in a good way.
It's not like you recaught that same wonderful buzz you had last night. Oh Hell No! This is like the Evil Twin of last nights festivities. Last night was all fun, full of joy and laughter (at least from what you think you can remember) but today is full of nausea, throbbin' headache and the feelin' that something in your stomach wants to see the light of day all over again.
This is not good at all....and it's only gonna get worse. Worse because you just realized that it's only 8:30 and you still have to get through the entire day. At this point all you can do is concentrate on your lunch break. Maybe a half hour of laying down will save you.
Well, you can hope so anyway. At least it's something else to concentrate on besides the bongos banging around inside your head. Why on earth didn't you bring a bucket 'o aspirin to work with you? Oh yeah, you didn't feel like this when you first woke up. Hmmm, maybe you were still buzzin' after all.
One thing's for sure, it's gonna be a very long day ahead. Why do you continue to do this to yourself? When will you ever learn? Apparently not anytime soon, that's for sure because just about the time you leave work for the day, you're already scowering your wallet to see if you have enough money to stop by the Beach Market on the way home to grab a sixer'.
All the bad feelings that you began your day with, just a distant memory at this point. You were sure that you wouldn't be drinking again for quite some time and yet, here you are mapping out your stops on the drive home. Oh, they better have your brand on the shelf because if for some reason they're sold out, then you're gonna have to do tons more drivin' before you can get your fix.
I can already feel the stress level boiling up as I sit here and type this. And I don't even drink any more! Jeez, how did I ever live that life for as long as I did? All that stress, that misery, daily. No wonder I drank. I guess it was an attempt to make the hell of drinking go away. Talk about a vicious cycle.
Thankfully I'm no longer wobbling down that path. Nope, not me. I'm on a completely different journey now and after 1,463 days (not that I'm counting), one thing's for certain, it's way too late to turn back now.
The cool thing is though, I don't want to turn around and go back to the life I used to live. No friggin' thanks. The best part is that not too long ago I wouldn't have been able to say that but I think I'm finally beginning to realize that stopping all of that ridiculous behavior was actually a smart move.
Maybe when you get to the point that the bright light that continues to shine in your eyes has changed from a Freight Train barreling down on you into ALL the beautiful lights that shine upon the Land Of Opportunity. A place where you can have anything, do anything, be anything you ever wanted, ever dreamed of.
Who'd a thought that the life I was living just four short years ago, a life I lived for many many years is finally changing from memories of misery to an actual learning experience, allowing me to grow from them and to expand my horizons.
Perhaps someday I will be able to look back on all of those years I consider to be time wasted and turn them around into being lessons that I can help others learn from. Wouldn't that be wonderful? To help others avoid a life of misery and regret. That would truly make it all worth it.
And so I'll continue to count the days, the days until I reach Lucky #5, five years in the Total Sobriety Society. I can only imagine how much wisdom I will have gained at that point. Wisdom that I can share with others. Can't wait!
If you find yourself in a similar situation, can relate to this tale in any way, I'd enjoy hearing about it and if you liked this Post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.
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