Take A Chance, What Have You Got To Lose?

I recently found myself re-reading my last Post and it struck me as not so much being incomplete as it was lacking in telling the entire story, if that makes any sense. While I started off with a particular thought in mind and I felt I said what I wanted to say in that regard, I also touched on a couple other 'points' but I wasn't able to delve into them as much as I would have liked to.

Not so much as an excuse but with my Moms passing a couple months ago, I haven't written anywhere near as much as I had been writing prior to that. To be honest, my heart just wasn't in it. Well, that's not exactly correct, it's more like my heart was too far in it. I was feeling so heartbroken that I knew that no matter what came out of my heart through my writing and 'landed' on the screen was gonna be at the very least a tear jerker and when I'm feeling that way, I end up spending more time sobbing myself than I do typing. Extremely unproductive as you can well imagine. And so I avoided writing to a degree. Matter of fact, I've only written two Posts since the end of September and prior to that, I was on a roll and writing two or three posts a week. And when you're posts average 2000 words, that's alot of 'thoughts' to suddenly keep bottled up inside.



And so even though I'm by no means 'healed', I find myself back at the keyboard. Unfortunately, my heart is still feeling rather heavy and as such my subject matter might take on a similar tone. But at the risk of being glum, I needed to get back to my writing. And since everything I write is from my heart, as they say, it's not gonna be all sunshine, lollipops and roses.

Trust me, I wish it was. I have the same desires as everyone else, to be happy 24/7 and I'll be the first to admit that I know damn well that that's not anywhere near possible but I'd like to see if I can come close to that anyway. But I can already tell by what I've written so far that my heart is still hangin' way lower than usual. Not quite in the dirt like it was a couple months ago but without a doubt nowhere near where it should be.



And that is kinda what sparked me to write this post. I noticed a status update on a Facebook friends wall a bit earlier tonight and it reminded me of a Post that I had written quite awhile back. For those that are unfamiliar with my Blog or my writing in general, everything I write about comes from deep within my heart and soul and everything I write is based on a thought I've had or am currently thinking.

No doubt I do my best to add in a bit of humor here and there whenever possible, doing my best to lighten the mood. I have enjoyed making people laugh, or attempting to anyway, from as far back as I can remember. It makes me feel good to be able to 'take the edge off' for someone else and quite often that's at my own expense. Yes, I'm not afraid of self depricating humor as I seem to be a 'factory' for things to laugh at about myself. No doubt sometimes it helps me as well to be able to laugh at myself.



Which is why everything I write has basically two motivations, to help myself deal with a thought, a feeling or a mood that I'm encountering at the time and secondly, if I can help to ease the 'pain' of someone else that is or has experienced a similar feeling, then that just makes it all the better. My goal has always been to spill my guts in hopes that someone else can learn from my experiences. And I find that when I jot down my thoughts, I can deal with them better as well. Especially when I can go back and read them again, a year later.

Sometimes I find that I've learned a lesson and made some progress in a certain area and other times, the news isn't as good and I find that I'm still 'stuck' or even worse, have backtracked on a subject that I had hoped to at the very least make progress and possibly even conquer. Which is exactly what happened this time. After browsing over an earlier post, it appears I haven't learned anything at all. At least not what I set out to conquer anyway. I'm still in the same boat, possibly even taking on water and missing an oar at this point.



So, that brings up the question. Now that I have no way of hiding from it, because as we all know, no matter where we go, there we are. And we can stick our heads as far down in the sand as possible but knowing that we have to come up for air at some point, there's a pretty good chance that the reason we went underground will still be waiting for us when we pull our head out. Out of the sand, that is.

I found myself wondering why I haven't gotten any further in this department. Is it fear? Probably. But fear of what? Fear of failure? Fear of success? Fear of rejection? Fear of the unknown? Fear of fear?I would have to believe that fear of some sort is what stops most of us from just about everything in life. And we've all heard the acronym False Evidence Appearing Real and no doubt, it does more than apprear real, it IS real! Why else would we be so afraid?



I'm sure that I fall prey to most of those 'reasons' except for perhaps the fear of success. I don't think I'm so much afraid of success as I am afraid that I will never get to the point where I have enough of it. I have extremely high expectations of myself. Which is in itself kinda scary but it's quite possible that that's a good kind of scary. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. But success or lack of is not the number one thing on my mind and so I have to feel that there is some other form of fear holding me back from being and doing all I want in life.

That's when it dawned on me. It's not exactly fear of one thing in particular, it's what happens 'after' that I'm afraid of. Yes, what happens after is what scares the hell outta me! I'm sure you know the feeling. The feeling that comes draggin' along after you fail. At whatever it is. The disappointment, the letdown, the bummer of it all. Finding out that whatever it is you were hoping for, working towards, bustin' your ass to accomplish is basically over and done. No more need to continue working towards that goal, it's over. Finished. The End!




All your hopes, dreams, plans, everything that you had to look forward to, all of the fuel for your fire is wiped out in a split second. All of the 'tools' that you used to get up out of bed each and every day, used to spur you on to bigger and better things, a better person, all gone now. Then what do you do. How do you find anything to go forward with after that?

That's when you begin to think about just how difficult it was to come up with all the gusto you had to muster up in the first place just to get you to the point where you were standing now, crushed and heartbroken. All that effort.....and for what? Just to stand there (or lay there, as the case may be) and be in an even worse place than you were before you began the journey. The journey of hope. The journey of manifesting a dream.


How many times had you told yourself, this time it's gonna happen. This time it's gonna all work out. I just know it, this is finally gonna be the time everything goes my way. And yet, sure as hell, there you are, feeling as if you have just totally wasted all that time and effort. In fact you would have probably been better off had you never even made the attempt in the first place. At least that's how you're feeling right then but is that necessarily true?

I mean, sure you could have avoided the failure or the heartbreak or whatever lousy feeling you're experiencing but if you really give it some thought, I'm sure you'll begin to realize that you must have been feeling some form of discontent in the first place to have even taken on something with such a large possibility of heartache if you were to fail. Being 'new', the disappointment is at it's strongest at that point which only makes you question your decision that much more. But again, you must have really needed to 'know' if it was a possibility, otherwise you never would have taken it on in the first place.

And this is what triggered me to write this post. I have been doing alot of thinking lately, alot of should I or shouldn't I about something that, depending on whether or not I continue further with my thought process, could either turn out to be a major positive in my life or a huge disaster. And this is where my evil nemesis, fear comes into play.



Common sense tells me not to even attempt to take it any further. Based on the 'history' of how things similar to this have gone for me, common sense says to just cut my losses and forget about it. Learn to live with all the wondering and the questions that already bombard my brain and hope that eventually all of that 'noise' will begin to fade. And jeez, if it was that easy to forget about I probably would have already done it. But it's anything but easy to forget about.

Yet the 'penalty' for risking it, for taking a chance, for putting forth the effort to find out if it could be a possibility is huge unto itself. The loss could and would be devastating. Not only from my feelings being destroyed but from the repercussions and the shockwaves that it could send throughout all involved.

But the other side of the 'loss' is what I'm guaranteed to lose by not taking a chance on finding out for myself what the 'answer' actually is. Rather than predetermining the outcome, shouldn't I be willing to risk it if it really means that much to me? Hmmm......



I mean, I'm smart and all but I'll be the first to admit that I don't know everything. Not the least of which is what someone else is thinking or the outcome that they could possibly have pictured in their mind or for that matter, even if they're on the same wavelength and even thinking about it in the slightest. And so the roller coaster begins, the endless cycle of doubt and second guessing and with each yes, another no flys by to counteract it. By that point, you're pretty much just along for the ride. Swimming in a sea of self doubt and let me be the first to tell you, there are alot of of sharks in those waters, ready to take a big ol' bite out of you!

So do I sit back, shut up and suffer in silence or do I speak up, let my thoughts be known and possibly get crushed. Do I throw common sense and my perception of reality out the window and allow in the possibility of a major dream coming true? How much influence should common sense hold? More than the possible bliss of a dream coming true? Is common sense actually another form of reality or just like anything else, another form of perception and up to each of us to determine exactly what it is. I truly believe that perception is a big key to everything. Boy, this is where being a mind reader would really come in handy.

One thing that I do know for sure. If I don't pursue it, if I don't ask what it is I want to ask then the answer will without a doubt be no. How could it be otherwise? If you don't ask for something, you'll never get it. But if I do risk it all, take a huge chance and put everything on the line, then there's a slight possibility that the answer could be yes. Sure, things could go horribly wrong and even more things could be ruined by asking but the anxiety of not knowing and the possibility of a dream come true not manifesting has a way of getting very heavy as well.

I've taken some risks in my life before and I haven't always come out on the good side of things but on those rare occasions that I have conquered, it was oh so worth it. To know that I looked fear straight on and beat it was only icing on the cake. But as we all know, just writing down our goals and dreams is only half the battle. Achieving them also requires action. And therefore, if you need me, I'll be the guy with his head in the sand, doing a bit of thinking, mustering up the courage to make a decision of some kind.

If you find that you can relate to fear and being afraid to take risks, I'd enjoy hearing your comments and if you know someone who might enkoy this post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with them.

Santas 'SECOND' Second Chance

Ok Santa, this is pretty much it! The last straw. You and I both know that I've truly given it all I have. Nobody could put more positve vibes 'out there' than I have. I've been as patient as humanly possible over these last four years, giving you every opportunity to redeem yourself but you have continued to disappoint me in my time of need.



In fact, disappoint isn't really a strong enough word. These last 3 or 4 Christmas' have been a huge let down to say the least. Perhaps I'm putting too much pressure on you, expecting you to 'over deliver' on your promises.

Now, when I say promises, I guess that's a bit of an overexaggeration. I'm of course basing everything on what I've 'heard' over the years about how much happiness and joy that you've brought into the lives of so many others. Is it wrong for me to want that same happiness and joy? Didn't think so.

Even before we had first officially 'met', I had already heard so much about you that I couldn't wait to meet you in person. All the way to the Mall, I was shakin' with anticipation. I was finally going to meet the Jolly Guy In Red. Good Ol' Saint Nick. The 'real' Superman, the dude that could haul ass all over the world, stopping at everybodys house (Well, at least all the houses where the 'good kids' lived) without waking anybody up and still be back home in time to snuggle with the Mrs. by daybreak. Now that's what I call a true miracle worker.



"C'mon Mom, just park anywhere. I wanna get inside and meet Santa. Heck, just let me out here, I don't care, I just gotta get in there to see him." I mean what's the chance of Santa showing up at J.C. Penneys, especially the one right by my house? And he's here just to see me. How cool is that? I know, right?

That's why I had to get in there ASAP! I wasn't gonna miss this opportunity, no way Jose! How long had I been waiting already, like four or five years? Exactly, my entire lifetime so I wasn't about to wait any longer. Who knew if the 'Red Rider' would ever make it back to my town and I wasn't about to miss him.



Finally, Mom found a parking spot. At least I think she did. I'm not really too sure because as I recall, I was already outta the car and runnin' for the big glass doors of JC Penny before she even stopped the car! I've been to the Mall enough times (to buy fake Levis) to know exactly where 'Pennys' was.

Runnin' on pure adrenaline, past the Food Court (dang, those Corn Dogs smell good but I CAN'T STOP!), hang a left at the Ice Skating Rink (yes, even in So. Cal. we had Ice Skating Rinks. So. Cal. has it all baby!) and around the corner to Santas House. Ok, maybe that last part was a bit 'made up'. I mean c'mon, everybody knows Santa doesn't live at the Mall full time, he lives at the North Pole. He was only doin' a 'Drive By' in Anaheim, just to see ME!



Who could live at the Mall full time anyway? They shut down the Food Court around 9 or 10 at night and so how are you gonna survive without stuff to munch on? Especially Santa because he needs Ice Cream to stay fat and jolly and what a hassle it would have been for him to get Rudolph and the rest of the 'gang' all hitched up just to 'fly' down to 7/Eleven every time he had the munchies. Exactly, not gonna happen. So he had to live at the North Pole, the home of the built in freezer.

Upon rounding the corner, I could begin to see all of the different colored lights flashing and the multi colored ornaments (no, we didn't and still don't call them bobbles. I think only foreigners refer to them that way) everywhere. Woo Hoo, almost there!



What the h. e. double hockey sticks (remember, I was only four or five at the time and wasn't allowed to, let alone didn't even know how to cuss yet) is going on here? What is up with all of these people? Yep, the lineup was insane! So many people in line I couldn't even see Santa from so far back.

But I knew he was 'there' because I could hear his Jolly Ol' Laugh. Sure enough, there's no mistaken that laugh. I had watched enough TV by that point in my life that I knew without a doubt that it was him.

Every year they would have 'special' Christmas Shows on TV that I looked forward to even more than seeing the Wizard Of Oz. Yep, I'd know that laugh anywhere. Even though, as I would come to learn later on it was Burl Ives' laugh and not Santas that I recognized so well. For all I know Burl could have been Santa in a previous life.

Ok, so to the back of the line I went. But I'm not gonna lie, I was pissed! From my understanding (from what my Mom said), Santa was there to see me and ONLY ME! While she might not have said those exact words, no doubt they were implied, whether she meant to or not.



What seemed like hours went by (probably about half an hour but in 'kid time', that's like a week!) and I still wasn't up to the front of the line. But at least by this point I could kinda see Santa sittin' there and what looked like some stupid girl on his lap. WTF? (oh yeah, no cussin', sorry. =}) What was she doin' there, that's my spot. Doesn't she know?

Apparently not. I could sorta hear her rattling off her 'list' of stuff that she wanted for Christmas. Sheesh girl, give it a rest! If he brings you all that stuff, there won't be anything left for any of the rest of us. Now I'm kinda beginning to understand where women get this feeling of entitlement (ooops, probably shouldn't have said that. Of course, I'm just kiddin'. Kinda sorta).


As I begin to tune her out, something else begins to catch my eye. Just off to the side of Santas Sleigh is what appears to be some kinda dog. I can't really make it out but one thing's for sure, it's not moving. Jeez, I hope it's not dead, I like dogs.

But what's really weird is that this dog has a red nose. Now, I'm no dog breeder and I've seen dogs with wet noses before but never one with a Red nose. Right about then, someone taps me on my shoulder and as I turn around, I realize it's my Mom. I had forgotten she was even with me. Well, I guess she wasn't with me until then. I forgot I left her in the parking lot.

So I said "Mom, look at Santas dog, he's got a red nose." To which she replied, "No Bryan, that's Rudolph". And I was like "WTH (dang, I forgot, I didn't cuss at all back then), that can't be Rudolph, he's way too small....and he's not moving....I think he's dead!"



"No Honey (my Mom really loved me), he's just obeying Santa and being a good Reindeer. Santa told him to mind his manners and he's being a good boy. Besides, he needs his rest because he has to do alot of flying around the world on Christmas Eve."

"Well, why doesn't he just lay down and go to sleep?" "Because Sweetheart (did I mention my Mom loved me?), Reindeer are like horses. They sleep standing up." And apparently they sleep with their eyes open too because Rudolph wasn't blinkin'. Not once, I checked. Still not buyin' it, I decided to just let it go.

As one kid after another told Santa how good they had been all year, basically mumbled their entire 'wish lists' to him, had their pictures taken, it was almost my turn. I couldn't understand why half the kids were screamin' and cryin'. Heck, I was all excited to see Santa. Perhaps they were pissed because they were also sold a 'bill of goods' about Santa being there just to see them. Parents say the darndest things.



Ok then, finally it was my turn. But something was strange. As I walked up to Santa, he wasn't anywhere near as fat as I thought he would be. Maybe it's because the screen on the TV added ten pounds to his belly, not really too sure. And I'm not really sure but his beard seemed kinda fake to. I didn't pull on it but it sure looked like it was anyway.

But one thing that was for sure, he wasn't anywhere near as Jolly as I thought he'd be. Nope, in fact as I recall he didn't seem all that happy to see me. Perhaps he was thirsty and needed some Egg Nog? Maybe I should have brought some for him, just in case? Oh well, live and learn.

So about the time his 'Helper Elf', who by the way was way taller in person that I thought he/she/it(?) should have been, helped me to get up on Santas lap, I had already begun to read him my 'List Of Demands' even before he began his "Have you been a good boy" schpeel.



Now, when I say 'read him', I don't mean it literally. Trust me on this one, I didn't need a 'cheat sheet' of any kind. I had been thinkin' about my list long enough to have it wayyyy memorized. I knew exactly what I wanted and he was the guy to make it happen!

Next thing you know, I can hear my Mom sayin' "Smile" and I was instantly 'blinded by the light'. By the light of the flash on the Polaroid camera. Those cameras rocked! You could instantly (ok, within about 3 minutes which in those days was instantly) see your picture once it came out the 'other' end.

Kinda like an Easy Bake Oven, it was pure 'magic' and nobody really knew how it worked (Well, we do now. It's 'cooked' by a light bulb but we didn't know that then, feeling it was better to consider it magic.) but to see your picture basically right away was fantastic. So much better than taking your roll of film down to Thriftys Drug Store and waiting days to get your pictures developed. Although, Thriftys did have Triple Scoop Ice Cream Cones for a quarter so that was the 'bonus' of going there.



Once my eyes readjusted (from the blinding of the flash bulb) and I could walk straight again, it was time to head back to the car. So I said goodbye to Santa and to Rudolph (who STILL wasn't movin' nor was he blinkin').

Oh, what a day this was. I finally got to meet Santa in person and even though he was a bit 'different' than I thought he'd be, at least now I know he's real. And now I know that he knows exactly what I want for Christmas. No way he's gonna drop the ball THIS time.

I know, he's been known to 'mess up' on the order a couple times in the past, sending me 'junk' like sweaters and socks or even worse, those awful Fruit Cakes but no doubt I set him straight this time and no way he's gonna screw it up. Even Santa deserves a Second Chance. After all, he's only human. I think.....

If you can relate to visiting with Santa, I'd enjoy hearing your comments about it below and if you liked this Post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.

I MUST Be On "Football Time"

That's the only way I can think of to explain it. Something is definitely wrong, that's for sure. It's not so much my body clock is off, like I have jet lag or something similar to that but more my mental clock is just totally out of whack. It's like I've lost my mind.


It's as if two minutes takes half an hour. If you've ever had a battery operated clock, perhaps you can relate to what I'm talkin' about. As the batteries begin to run out of juice, you'll notice how every few days you seem to have to reset the time as you lose a few minutes each day.



Then finally, you'll notice the second hand, although doing it's damndest to get up the hill just can't seem to make it past the '9' before it falls back down below the eight again. Struggling again, it attempts to get over the hump but no go. Sure enough, new battery time.



I only wish it was that easy for me. I know my clock is off but it's not as cut and dry as a battery replacement. I miss a very special someone and it's totally thrown my clock all outta whack. That's why I say I must be on football time because it's as if two minutes takes a friggin' half an hour to tick by.



Tick......tick......tick......kinda like Chinese Water Torture, bein' strapped down to a bed of nails while one drip at a time, freezin' cold water is drippin' down on my head and I can't seem to move. Nowhere to hide, even if I could move.




I'm sure you know what I mean. A football game is supposedly an hour worth of play time but between all of the BS, the commercials, replays and officializing the damn game takes three hours or more before it's over. And since I'm not a huge football fan, sometimes the three hours can feel like six.



This might be ok if you are a Fan or if you like to spend your afternoon gettin' hammered and yellin' at the TV but again, just not there for me. That's probably one reason why I'm not real big on this new schedule I find myself living with. When two minutes takes a half an hour, you can only imagine how long an entire twenty four hour day takes.




Not to mention the fact that my mind is so preoccupied with the object of my desire that what there was of my so called sleep pattern has pretty much been tossed right out the window. When I actually do get to sleep, I find that I can barely squeeze in a few hours and the BAM, wide awake!



Layin' there, tossin' and turnin', concentrating my hardest on falling back asleep but the more I try not to think about her the more I find myself thinkin' about her. It's like when someone says to you, whatever you do, DON'T think about such and such and sure enough, no matter how hard you try, you can't think about anything but exactly what they told you not to think about.




I believe it's referred to as The Law of Reverse Psychiatry or something close to that anyway. I know it must have some kinda technical term since it's such a common phenomenon.



It's almost like the opposite of A.D.H.D., whereas with A.D.H.D. it's difficult to stay focused on any one thing for any amount of time. With my ailment, I find it extremely difficult to focus on anything BUT one thing. And one thing only.



I don't seem to be able to repair my clock, no matter how much I try. And what's even crazier, I'm not sure I even want to. Well, I wouldn't mind gettin' a bit more sleep but as far as totally clearin' my head altogether, it's just not possible. No way.




I have WAY TOO MANY hopes and dreams to ever forget about her, even if I did want to. Nope, the impact that she's had on me is even more than I can begin to describe, let alone figure out how to put a stop to it.



Kinda like Niagara Falls, my feelings just continue to flow, gushing forth with an enormous force. A force so strong that I have a hard time believin' anything could stop this current of overwhelmingness.



If I had ever been in this position before, perhaps I might have some type of remedy for what ails me but I can honestly say that I've never been in this or anything even close to this situation prior to this so I have no idea how to proceed.



I guess all I can do is continue to ride it out, in hopes that at some point in the near future, things will get back on track and my clock will return to keeping normal time. I know there's only one way for that to happen and to be honest, I think about that very thing happening 24/7. I just can't help it, she's always on my mind.



Until then, I guess I'll continue to be on Football Time!







If you can relate to having something so powerful on your mind that you're not able to turn it off, I'd enjoy hearing about it and if you liked this Post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.

You've Got Me Spellbound!

Spellbound. I thought it was an actual word but I went to Wikipedia and they rattled off a few movie titles, a couple of records and that was pretty much about it. Apparently it doesn't exist, at least according to Wiki.



Next step, Merriam-Webster. They have to have something on it, correct? Sure enough. Seems it's an adjective meaning: held by or as if by a SPELL. Now that's more like it. And according to good ol' M-W, the first known use of the word was way back in 1785.

Yep, that sounds about right. I think I've been under your Spell for just about that long. Seems like it's been longer but I'll stick with their research. After all, they're the experts, I'm just a mere mortal.

As I browsed the page a bit more, searching for an answer of sorts, some kind of an explanation as to how this could have ever happened. Especially to me. Yes, especially to someone like me.

Sure, no doubt I can be pretty much relentless when it comes to the pursuit of a personal dream or a goal, basically because I hate to fail. At anything. I never want to let myself down by not doing my best, by not giving it my all and even worse, I don't want to be without whatever it is that I'm dreamin' of or striving for.




And I never want to fall short of reaching my goals. That's just unacceptable. Not to sound egotistical but I can usually be counted on to pull off any goal I set for myself. Some things might take a bit more time than others but I know that if another person can do it, I sure as hell can too! And if I set the intention, it's only a matter of time before it manifests.

And while this way of thinking works well when it comes to personal development type things and especially as it pertains to material things, this strategy as it were doesn't hold water in the world of relationships with females of the opposite sex.



Nope, unfortunately it doesn't seem to work anywhere near as well. Perhaps it's the fact that these precious beings have minds of their own and they can do their own thinking. Dammit!

As it turns out, they're fully capable of making a decision as to whether or not they want to take the time to get to know you. And if they don't, you'll usually know pretty damn quick. TOO QUICK!

And for the most part, I'd like to think I'm fairly good at taking a hint and knowing when to hit the road. In fact, I've been known to bail at the first sign of a don't bother, at hidden hints, at signals that aren't even there.




I guess what I'm saying is that without some kind of positive feedback every once in a while, some sort of emotional output from the other side, I have no desire to continue. Not that I'm necessarily giving up, it's just that I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. Or anywhere I perceive that I'm not wanted.

And so that's what leads me to the questioning of my entire thinking process over these last couple years. It's like my own knowledge of right and wrong has been seriously altered by some unknown entity and whatever I previously thought to be appropriate behavior in the realm of relationship building was tossed aside.

Thrown completely out the window in the pursuit of something so much more important to me than pride, than ego, basically even more important than lookin' like a fool! Which for people that know me, they KNOW how much I hate to look like a fool. Trust me on this one, I'm just as surprised as anybody by my behavior.





It's almost as if I'm no longer in control of my faculties. I've obviously lost all self control, not to mention common sense. That's what leads me to believe that I must be under some kinda Spell.



At this point it's becoming increasingly obvious that I'm no longer in charge. In charge of me. I feel like a puppet and someone else is pulling my strings. I'm doing things that I normally would never ever do. Basically I've lost all control.



I have to admit, this is something I just can't explain. It doesn't actaully make any sense, at least from a logical perspective. Why on earth would anybody, at least anybody in their right mind continue to push forward in the face of such a seemingly one sided situation as this one appears to be?



No doubt I can't even begin to answer that question. Well, to be honest I have an answer that I think is correct but I'm a bit afraid to even go there for fear of jinxing it. Any way you look at it, I'm unable to let go, to give up, to stop my pursuit. That's what leads me to believe that I'm being pulled by something so much more powerful than anything and everything I previously thought was important to me.




Which in turn causes me to reevaluate everything I thought was important. Everything that I held near and dear to me has been replaced by something that I can't even begin to figure out, let alone explain. How cool is that? As a matter of fact, not really that cool at all.




To be driven by an unknown source, one that you're unable to turn on or off is not the greatest place to be. Especially when you're a reformed (reforming?) control freak. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not in control of this journey, that's for sure.



So all I can do at this point is to ride it out, to continue on this path of the unknown and wait to see where I end up. Sink or swim, it's obviously not up to me. The current is just too damn strong. I'm just along for the ride.





If you can relate to this Post, I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts and if you enjoyed it, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.

Who Me? Give Up? Not Likely

OK, so I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'd like to think I'm smart enough to know when to give up, to throw in the towel so to speak. I mean, isn't there like some kind of a signal from above, some sort of a sign to let us know when it's time to bail?


Lately, well I really shouldn't say lately as this has been a situation that I've been struggling with for quite some time now. And no doubt I'm not the only one who battles this dilemma on a regular basis. Surely it's a question people have been asking themselves since the beginning of time. When is it ok to give up?




When is it finally ok to say to yourself, enough is enough, I'm done fighting this battle, there's just no way it's ever gonna happen, no possibility whatsoever of it ever coming true?


Now, when I say it, basically that could mean anything, from your hopes and dreams to your aspirations, your goals, anything in your life that you strive for. Anything that you're motivated about, anything you hope to accomplish.


Well, I for one am not so sure there is a certain point that defines the perfect time to give up. Nope, I don't think it's gonna be that easy. Wouldn't that be great if it were that cut 'n dry?




Oh heck yeah, it sure would. If everything in life had a time limit on it then you'd know when to say when, you'd know when you could just say enough is enough, pick up your toys and go home.



At least it would give you a point of reference to look forward to and your goals could be so much more manageable knowing that you only had to put in a certain amount of effort for a specified amount of time and whatever the results were, you would know that you did the best you could with the amount of time that you had available.


And after your time expired, you were in essence off the hook. Good, bad or otherwise, wherever you stood at that point was just going to be the way it is. Dang, that sounds easy doesn't it? How sweet would it be to have everything in your life mapped out for you like that?




But on the other hand, how boring it would be as well. Not that you'd know the exact outcome of everything in your future, but you'd have a pretty close guesstimate. And you could almost predict your future just by altering the amount of effort you put forth. Yep, BORING CENTRAL!

Well then, without an expiration date of sorts, how are we supposed to know when it's ok to quit trying? To let go of our dreams. Is there a certain amount of times that we have to be told "NO, you can't do this....can't have that.....can't date her.....", whatever the case may be? And if so, what gives someone else the authority to tell us that we can't anything?



Nope, I don't see that working either. If you're anything like me and absolutely hate to quit trying, at anything, then I'm sure you'll agree that the last thing you want is someone telling you what to do. Telling you basically when it's ok to officially become a failure. No thanks, not gonna work for me, that's for sure.



Sheesh, it sounds like quitting isn't gonna be as easy as everyone says it is. I mean, doesn't everybody say that quitting is the easy way out? That's the way I heard it anyway. I'm beginning to get the impression that they're completely wrong about it.


I also seem to recall hearing something about quitters being losers. Nobody wants to be referred to as a loser, do they? I would have to imagine that it wouldn't be a sought after title, that's for sure.




They only positive quote I've ever heard in regards to quitting was the often used and well worn "Sobriety is for quitters." I guess that's about one of the only times it's good to be a quitter. No doubt you could also include all of the other vices in the same sentence and they'd all make sense. But other than those few, being a quitter is nothing to be proud of.

Yet there must come a time that we have to face the music, read the writing on the wall and come to a point that we just have to stop trying. The intersection of lack of effort and giving up, that ugly as hell place known as failure. Correct?


I think, in fact I know that that's exactly where I have to say "No, I don't agree." For me failure is a huge problem, a bitter pill that I am unable to swallow, no matter what the situation.



Is it fear of looking like an idiot, a fool? That could be part of it, more than likely a huge part. But for me it's more of an inside thing. While it does bother me to have others see me as a failure of sorts, as someone that didn't accomplish their goals, it's ME that I'm truly concerned about. How will I feel about ME if I give up, if I quit trying. If I just don't give it my all and do my best.

I guess I've been out to prove something (not exactly sure what that something is) my entire life. My Father, in his attempts to get me to do my best tried to beat perseverance into me, one swing of the belt at a time but what he failed to realize was that being the best I could be was already ingrained in me from my first breath. I knew no different.



It wasn't anything that he had to instill in me, anything he had to force upon me, I wanted to, no, I needed to do my best. In every circumstance, in every situation. Sure, like any other kid, I was hoping for my Dads approval. Hoping to make Dad proud and also hoping for a miracle. The miracle of him saying "Good job son, I'm proud of you."

Of course, as I would come to learn, that wasn't gonna happen but that never stopped me from wanting to do my best. At everything I ever did. Not that I can honestly say that I always did my best but there's no doubt in my mind that I always wanted to.

Call it pride, or ego, or just plain being a perfectionist, any way you choose to look at it, I've always demanded the most out of myself. No doubt I'm my own worst critic. Noone can be any harder on me....than ME. That's why giving up isn't an option.



I also have someone very special watching over me from up above that would surely be disappointed in me if I ever gave up and there's just no way I ever want to let her down.

So where exactly does that leave me? If I can't give up, if I can't allow myself to quit, am I doomed to a life of never reaching my goals, never accomplishing what I want in life? Jeez, I sure hope not.

But at the same time, to just quit trying would surely mean that I would never realize my dreams. At least if I keep trying, there's a small, miniscule chance of good things happening. Sure, along with that chance comes loads of despair and disappointment but with that 1% possibility of something good happening in my life, something finally going my way, I'm unable to just take the hint and walk away.



One of my favorite sayings and to be honest, I'm not even sure it's an actual quote and if so, who even said it but it goes something like this. ~You can never ever give up because you don't know who or what is waiting for you just around the next corner.~

I think that quote says so much about perseverance, forging ahead in the face of adversity and just never giving up, NO MATTER WHAT! And with these words as my mantra I will continue to forge ahead, knowing that good things are waiting ahead for me. It's only a matter of time.





If you can relate to wanting to just give up at times or perhaps, like me, unable to know when it's ok to give up, I'd enjoy hearing about it and if you enjoyed this Post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.