That's the only way I can think of to explain it. Something is definitely wrong,that's for sure. It's not so much my body clock is off, like I have jet lag or something similar to that but more my mental clock is just totally out of whack. It's like I've lost my mind.
It's as if two minutes takes half an hour. If you've ever had a battery operated clock, perhaps you can relate to what I'm talkin' about. As the batteries begin to run out of juice, you'll notice how every few days you seem to have to reset the time as you lose a few minutes each day.
Then finally, you'll notice the second hand, although doing it's damndest to get up the hill just can't seem to make it past the '9' before it falls back down below the eight again. Struggling again, it attempts to get over the hump but no go. Sure enough, new battery time.
I only wish it was that easy for me. I know my clock is off but it's not as cut and dry as a battery replacement. I miss a very special someone and it's totally thrown my clock all outta whack. That's why I say I must be on football time because it's as if two minutes takes a friggin' half an hour to tick by.
Tick......tick......tick......kinda like Chinese Water Torture, bein' strapped down to a bed of nails while one drip at a time, freezin' cold water is drippin' down on my head and I can't seem to move. Nowhere to hide, even if I could move.
I'm sure you know what I mean. A football game is supposedly an hour worth of play time but between all of the BS, the commercials, replays and officializing the damn game takes three hours or more before it's over. And since I'm not a huge football fan, sometimes the three hours can feel like six.
This might be ok if you are a Fan or if you like to spend your afternoon gettin' hammered and yellin' at the TV but again, just not there for me. That's probably one reason why I'm not real big on this new schedule I find myself living with. When two minutes takes a half an hour, you can only imagine how long an entire twenty four hour day takes.
Not to mention the fact that my mind is so preoccupied with the object of my desire that what there was of my so called sleep pattern has pretty much been tossed right out the window. When I actually do get to sleep, I find that I can barely squeeze in a few hours and the BAM, wide awake!
Layin' there, tossin' and turnin', concentrating my hardest on falling back asleep but the more I try not to think about her the more I find myself thinkin' about her. It's like when someone says to you, whatever you do, DON'T think about such and such and sure enough, no matter how hard you try, you can't think about anything but exactly what they told you not to think about.
I believe it's referred to as The Law of Reverse Psychiatry or something close to that anyway. I know it must have some kinda technical term since it's such a common phenomenon.
It's almost like the opposite of A.D.H.D., whereas with A.D.H.D. it's difficult to stay focused on any one thing for any amount of time. With my ailment, I find it extremely difficult to focus on anything BUT one thing. And one thing only.
I don't seem to be able to repair my clock, no matter how much I try. And what's even crazier, I'm not sure I even want to. Well, I wouldn't mind gettin' a bit more sleep but as far as totally clearin' my head altogether, it's just not possible. No way.
I have WAY TOO MANY hopes and dreams to ever forget about her, even if I did want to. Nope, the impact that she's had on me is even more than I can begin to describe, let alone figure out how to put a stop to it.
Kinda like Niagara Falls, my feelings just continue to flow, gushing forth with an enormous force. A force so strong that I have a hard time believin' anything could stop this current of overwhelmingness.
If I had ever been in this position before, perhaps I might have some type of remedy for what ails me but I can honestly say that I've never been in this or anything even close to this situation prior to this so I have no idea how to proceed.
I guess all I can do is continue to ride it out, in hopes that at some point in the near future, things will get back on track and my clock will return to keeping normal time. I know there's only one way for that to happen and to be honest, I think about that very thing happening 24/7. I just can't help it, she's always on my mind.
Until then, I guess I'll continue to be on Football Time!
If you can relate to having something so powerful on your mind that you're not able to turn it off, I'd enjoy hearing about it and if you liked this Post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.
Spellbound. I thought it was an actual word but I went to Wikipedia and they rattled off a few movie titles, a couple of records and that was pretty much about it. Apparently it doesn't exist, at least according to Wiki.
Next step, Merriam-Webster. They have to have something on it, correct? Sure enough. Seems it's an adjective meaning: held by or as if by a SPELL. Now that's more like it. And according to good ol' M-W, the first known use of the word was way back in 1785.
Yep, that sounds about right. I think I've been under your Spell for just about that long. Seems like it's been longer but I'll stick with their research. After all, they're the experts, I'm just a mere mortal.
As I browsed the page a bit more, searching for an answer of sorts, some kind of an explanation as to how this could have ever happened. Especially to me. Yes, especially to someone like me.
Sure, no doubt I can be pretty much relentlesswhen it comes to the pursuit of a personal dream or a goal, basically because I hate to fail. At anything. I never want to let myself down by not doing my best, by not giving it my all and even worse, I don't want to be without whatever it is that I'm dreamin' of or striving for.
And I never want to fall short of reaching my goals. That's just unacceptable. Not to sound egotistical but I can usually be counted on to pull off any goal I set for myself. Some things might take a bit more time than others but I know that if another person can do it, I sure as hell can too! And if I set the intention, it's only a matter of time before it manifests.
And while this way of thinking works well when it comes to personal development type things and especially as it pertains to material things, this strategy as it were doesn't hold water in the world of relationships with females of the opposite sex.
Nope, unfortunately it doesn't seem to work anywhere near as well. Perhaps it's the fact that these precious beings have minds of their own and they can do their own thinking. Dammit!
As it turns out, they're fully capable of making a decision as to whether or not they want to take the time to get to know you. And if they don't, you'll usually know pretty damn quick. TOO QUICK!
And for the most part, I'd like to think I'm fairly good at taking a hint and knowing when to hit the road. In fact, I've been known to bail at the first sign of a don't bother, at hidden hints, at signals that aren't even there.
I guess what I'm saying is that without some kind of positive feedback every once in a while, some sort of emotional output from the other side, I have no desire to continue. Not that I'm necessarily giving up, it's just that I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. Or anywhere I perceive that I'm not wanted.
And so that's what leads me to the questioning of my entire thinking process over these last couple years. It's like my own knowledge of right and wrong has been seriously altered by some unknown entity and whatever I previously thought to be appropriate behavior in the realm of relationship building was tossed aside.
Thrown completely out the window in the pursuit of something so much more important to me than pride, than ego, basically even more important than lookin' like a fool! Which for people that know me, they KNOW how much I hate to look like a fool. Trust me on this one, I'm just as surprised as anybody by my behavior.
It's almost as if I'm no longer in control of my faculties. I've obviously lost all self control, not to mention common sense. That's what leads me to believe that I must be under some kinda Spell.
At this point it's becoming increasingly obvious that I'm no longer in charge. In charge of me. I feel like a puppet and someone else is pulling my strings. I'm doing things that I normally would never ever do. Basically I've lost all control.
I have to admit, this is something I just can't explain. It doesn't actaully make any sense, at least from a logical perspective. Why on earth would anybody, at least anybody in their right mind continue to push forward in the face of such a seemingly one sided situation as this one appears to be?
No doubt I can't even begin to answer that question. Well, to be honest I have an answer that I think is correct but I'm a bit afraid to even go there for fear of jinxing it. Any way you look at it, I'm unable to let go, to give up, to stop my pursuit. That's what leads me to believe that I'm being pulled by something so much more powerful than anything and everything I previously thought was important to me.
Which in turn causes me to reevaluate everything I thought was important. Everything that I held near and dear to me has been replaced by something that I can't even begin to figure out, let alone explain. How cool is that? As a matter of fact, not really that cool at all.
To be driven by an unknown source, one that you're unable to turn on or off is not the greatest place to be. Especially when you're a reformed (reforming?) control freak. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not in control of this journey, that's for sure.
So all I can do at this point is to ride it out, to continue on this path of the unknown and wait to see where I end up. Sink or swim, it's obviously not up to me. The current is just too damn strong. I'm just along for the ride.
If you can relate to this Post, I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts and if you enjoyed it, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.
Yes, you're right. I should have known better. And even though I didn't want to face facts, I had an idea it might happen but yet, I still had to try. If I never tried, I never would have known for sure and that feeling of not knowing, gnawing away at me wouldn't have been any less painful and so I had to give it my best shot and let the cards fall where they may.
I decided to make my own Mind Movie. Now, I'm sure most of you out there know what I'm referring to but for those that don't here's a quickie explanation. Basically a Mind Movie is a 'Vision Board' turned in to a Video, streaming along with the music of your choice. Meant to inspire you to chase after your dreams, remain focused on your goals and to pursue your passions. While a Vision Board is just a static collection of pictures meant to inspire you, a Mind Movie has much more of an impact on the mind. You are also able to add various pieces of text, here 'n' there which adds a bit of a 'subliminal messaging' kind of a feel to your movie.
All of this in hopes of helping to remind you of why you're going through all the daily stuggles, the trials and tribulations of life and enabling you to stay focused on your goals and dreams. We all can use a constant reminder to help us stay on track, a way of keeping the negativity at bay.
So I began to make a list of most of the 'things' I wanted for myself, my family and my friends. Not necessarily just things in a tangible sense, like cars, etc. but basically the way I wanted my entire life to be overall.
First step, gotta be Google to find lots of pictures to fill my Video with. Next thing you know, I have too many pictures but I can always narrow it down to the chosen few. OK, I now have a pretty good idea of which ones I'll use here. Some aren't exactly what I'd hoped for but they will do as reminders to help me stay focused and on track.
Then it's on to finding the right music to go along with my movie. Hmmm.... should I get something to pump me up, like a Rocky Theme or something along those lines? Or perhaps one of my favorite songs? One that brings back good memories, back when life was good? Not that life was ever really that good but with time comes faded memories and some of the bad stuff has a way of disappearing. Hmmm, with or without lyrics? Jeez, didn't realize that this would be the most difficult part. Finally had a pretty good idea of what I wanted. Now, how to get that song downloaded, saved and then add it to my video.
That whole process turned out to be a project in itself but again, thanks to Google and all the other wonderful people on the internet that have had to struggle with that as well, I was able to find the info needed to tackle it and so I finally had my song of choice added to my video.
Of course, it was then that I noticed the rather large discrepancy between the length of my song and the timeline of my pictures. No need to worry, I still have to add in all the text boxes, the subliminal messaging and so with those added to the mix, should help to lengthen the video overall and bring things a little more in line. I wanted the pictures to end at the exact same time as the song. I mean, what self respecting music video director/producer/editor would have it any other way?
Hadn't realized how difficult it was going to be to come up with 'stuff' to say, meaningful little messages to myself throughout the video that would inspire and motivate me. And so off to You Tube I went in search of other Mind Movies to find a bit of inspiration. I began noticing that they were all basically very similar. "Here's my Yacht, Here I am flying my plane, Here I am driving my new Lamborghini." I didn't want such a 'generic' video, one that was more or less a one size fits all. I wanted my video to be a bit more personalized, like my pictures are and so I decided to go through the pictures I had already selected and add my 'sayings' according to the different places and things in my storyline.
Wow, I'm kinda liking this. It's finally starting to take shape. So after adding all my text, my song was still longer than the length of my video. Not wanting the song to come to an abrupt ending, just when the vibes were starting to feel really good, I needed to add a few pictures in various places in order to make everything copasetic at the end. Voila, looks like everything lines up. Pictures and the audio all seem to stop in the same place. Damn I'm good! But something's still not quite right. Hmmm....
Got it! The song just goes so great with the pictures but things would flow even better if the pictures were arranged to go with certain parts of the song. I had no idea how addicting this video editing thing can be but what a difference it's making. Syncing the pictures with the high and lows of the music really adds to the feeling of the pictures, the text and the overall video. So after a bit more tweaking, I had to call it done. While there are still a couple things I'd like to change, overall I'm reasonably happy with the finished product. Especially for my first attempt at a music video. HA HA!
BRYANS MIND MOVIE
OK then, save it to my computer and I'm done. Now I have a video I can watch any time I wanna get motivated, stoked on life. Then it occured to me, might as well add it to my You Tube Channel. I haven't posted a new video there in months so no doubt I really need to anyway. This should work out great, way under the 'time limit' that You Tube specifies and giving my subscribers a little more inside info on me as a person has to be a good thing, right?
A couple of clicks and let the uploading begin. While that's going on, I'm filling in the video titile, description, tags, all that stuff and after a few minutes I get the message that everything has uploaded and I'm good to go. Woo Hoo, mission accomplished! Another video added to my Channel. Then up pops the message saying that the audio portion of my video has been disabled, muted, shut down. What? Disabled? How can that be? They say that it's a copyright issue but this song is on tons of other You Tube videos so it really makes no sense. Then they send me a link to some 'library' of random BS songs that are nowhere near the right length, let alone the same 'feeling' of my video. After spending all that time editing, making sure the song was aligned with the pictures the best way I could, just wasn't gonna happen. Wouldn't do my video justice to have some other random song on there.
Of course I took it a bit further to see how others were getting around this situation and basically, if your video is muted by WMG then you are out of luck. So after looking over the library of offerings, just in case I could find something 'close' that will allow me to post the video anyway, I see that now they have removed my video entirely. Who knows what happened, just a complete removal. I guess my video was just so damn good that they felt threatened by my editing skills as well as the use of 'their' song. I did see a couple places where people mentioned that this whole copyright thing should be worked out sometime in January but I'm not gonna hold my breath, that's for sure.
So it looks as if I'm going to have to keep my Mind Movie to myself, which is how it was originally intended anyway. Kind of a shame as I wanted to be able to see it when I went to my You Tube Channel but I don't want to risk having my entire Channel deleted, so I'm not about to press the issue.
Then it occured to me, I wonder if I can post it on my own Blog? Might as well give it a shot. Took me quite a bit of effort, getting the movie formatted so that it will play inside my post along with a 'player' that would do the same thing. And so with tons of trial and error, I seem to have conquered the issue and the movie and player are both embedded within my post. This will definitely make it much easier next time I want to include a video so even though it was a struggle, to know that I persevered and made it happen, that's huge for me. Especially since I'm so computer illiterate.
So let this be a lesson to others out there that hope to have their video on You Tube, better check with the library first. You have been warned.....
