Spellbound. I thought it was an actual word but I went to Wikipedia and they rattled off a few movie titles, a couple of records and that was pretty much about it. Apparently it doesn't exist, at least according to Wiki.
Next step, Merriam-Webster. They have to have something on it, correct? Sure enough. Seems it's an adjective meaning: held by or as if by a SPELL. Now that's more like it. And according to good ol' M-W, the first known use of the word was way back in 1785.
Yep, that sounds about right. I think I've been under your Spell for just about that long. Seems like it's been longer but I'll stick with their research. After all, they're the experts, I'm just a mere mortal.
As I browsed the page a bit more, searching for an answer of sorts, some kind of an explanation as to how this could have ever happened. Especially to me. Yes, especially to someone like me.
Sure, no doubt I can be pretty much relentless when it comes to the pursuit of a personal dream or a goal, basically because I hate to fail. At anything. I never want to let myself down by not doing my best, by not giving it my all and even worse, I don't want to be without whatever it is that I'm dreamin' of or striving for.
And I never want to fall short of reaching my goals. That's just unacceptable. Not to sound egotistical but I can usually be counted on to pull off any goal I set for myself. Some things might take a bit more time than others but I know that if another person can do it, I sure as hell can too! And if I set the intention, it's only a matter of time before it manifests.
And while this way of thinking works well when it comes to personal development type things and especially as it pertains to material things, this strategy as it were doesn't hold water in the world of relationships with females of the opposite sex.
Nope, unfortunately it doesn't seem to work anywhere near as well. Perhaps it's the fact that these precious beings have minds of their own and they can do their own thinking. Dammit!
As it turns out, they're fully capable of making a decision as to whether or not they want to take the time to get to know you. And if they don't, you'll usually know pretty damn quick. TOO QUICK!
And for the most part, I'd like to think I'm fairly good at taking a hint and knowing when to hit the road. In fact, I've been known to bail at the first sign of a don't bother, at hidden hints, at signals that aren't even there.
I guess what I'm saying is that without some kind of positive feedback every once in a while, some sort of emotional output from the other side, I have no desire to continue. Not that I'm necessarily giving up, it's just that I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. Or anywhere I perceive that I'm not wanted.
And so that's what leads me to the questioning of my entire thinking process over these last couple years. It's like my own knowledge of right and wrong has been seriously altered by some unknown entity and whatever I previously thought to be appropriate behavior in the realm of relationship building was tossed aside.
Thrown completely out the window in the pursuit of something so much more important to me than pride, than ego, basically even more important than lookin' like a fool! Which for people that know me, they KNOW how much I hate to look like a fool. Trust me on this one, I'm just as surprised as anybody by my behavior.
It's almost as if I'm no longer in control of my faculties. I've obviously lost all self control, not to mention common sense. That's what leads me to believe that I must be under some kinda Spell.
At this point it's becoming increasingly obvious that I'm no longer in charge. In charge of me. I feel like a puppet and someone else is pulling my strings. I'm doing things that I normally would never ever do. Basically I've lost all control.
I have to admit, this is something I just can't explain. It doesn't actaully make any sense, at least from a logical perspective. Why on earth would anybody, at least anybody in their right mind continue to push forward in the face of such a seemingly one sided situation as this one appears to be?
No doubt I can't even begin to answer that question. Well, to be honest I have an answer that I think is correct but I'm a bit afraid to even go there for fear of jinxing it. Any way you look at it, I'm unable to let go, to give up, to stop my pursuit. That's what leads me to believe that I'm being pulled by something so much more powerful than anything and everything I previously thought was important to me.
Which in turn causes me to reevaluate everything I thought was important. Everything that I held near and dear to me has been replaced by something that I can't even begin to figure out, let alone explain. How cool is that? As a matter of fact, not really that cool at all.
To be driven by an unknown source, one that you're unable to turn on or off is not the greatest place to be. Especially when you're a reformed (reforming?) control freak. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not in control of this journey, that's for sure.
So all I can do at this point is to ride it out, to continue on this path of the unknown and wait to see where I end up. Sink or swim, it's obviously not up to me. The current is just too damn strong. I'm just along for the ride.
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