I MUST Be On "Football Time"

That's the only way I can think of to explain it. Something is definitely wrong, that's for sure. It's not so much my body clock is off, like I have jet lag or something similar to that but more my mental clock is just totally out of whack. It's like I've lost my mind.


It's as if two minutes takes half an hour. If you've ever had a battery operated clock, perhaps you can relate to what I'm talkin' about. As the batteries begin to run out of juice, you'll notice how every few days you seem to have to reset the time as you lose a few minutes each day.



Then finally, you'll notice the second hand, although doing it's damndest to get up the hill just can't seem to make it past the '9' before it falls back down below the eight again. Struggling again, it attempts to get over the hump but no go. Sure enough, new battery time.



I only wish it was that easy for me. I know my clock is off but it's not as cut and dry as a battery replacement. I miss a very special someone and it's totally thrown my clock all outta whack. That's why I say I must be on football time because it's as if two minutes takes a friggin' half an hour to tick by.



Tick......tick......tick......kinda like Chinese Water Torture, bein' strapped down to a bed of nails while one drip at a time, freezin' cold water is drippin' down on my head and I can't seem to move. Nowhere to hide, even if I could move.




I'm sure you know what I mean. A football game is supposedly an hour worth of play time but between all of the BS, the commercials, replays and officializing the damn game takes three hours or more before it's over. And since I'm not a huge football fan, sometimes the three hours can feel like six.



This might be ok if you are a Fan or if you like to spend your afternoon gettin' hammered and yellin' at the TV but again, just not there for me. That's probably one reason why I'm not real big on this new schedule I find myself living with. When two minutes takes a half an hour, you can only imagine how long an entire twenty four hour day takes.




Not to mention the fact that my mind is so preoccupied with the object of my desire that what there was of my so called sleep pattern has pretty much been tossed right out the window. When I actually do get to sleep, I find that I can barely squeeze in a few hours and the BAM, wide awake!



Layin' there, tossin' and turnin', concentrating my hardest on falling back asleep but the more I try not to think about her the more I find myself thinkin' about her. It's like when someone says to you, whatever you do, DON'T think about such and such and sure enough, no matter how hard you try, you can't think about anything but exactly what they told you not to think about.




I believe it's referred to as The Law of Reverse Psychiatry or something close to that anyway. I know it must have some kinda technical term since it's such a common phenomenon.



It's almost like the opposite of A.D.H.D., whereas with A.D.H.D. it's difficult to stay focused on any one thing for any amount of time. With my ailment, I find it extremely difficult to focus on anything BUT one thing. And one thing only.



I don't seem to be able to repair my clock, no matter how much I try. And what's even crazier, I'm not sure I even want to. Well, I wouldn't mind gettin' a bit more sleep but as far as totally clearin' my head altogether, it's just not possible. No way.




I have WAY TOO MANY hopes and dreams to ever forget about her, even if I did want to. Nope, the impact that she's had on me is even more than I can begin to describe, let alone figure out how to put a stop to it.



Kinda like Niagara Falls, my feelings just continue to flow, gushing forth with an enormous force. A force so strong that I have a hard time believin' anything could stop this current of overwhelmingness.



If I had ever been in this position before, perhaps I might have some type of remedy for what ails me but I can honestly say that I've never been in this or anything even close to this situation prior to this so I have no idea how to proceed.



I guess all I can do is continue to ride it out, in hopes that at some point in the near future, things will get back on track and my clock will return to keeping normal time. I know there's only one way for that to happen and to be honest, I think about that very thing happening 24/7. I just can't help it, she's always on my mind.



Until then, I guess I'll continue to be on Football Time!







If you can relate to having something so powerful on your mind that you're not able to turn it off, I'd enjoy hearing about it and if you liked this Post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.

You've Got Me Spellbound!

Spellbound. I thought it was an actual word but I went to Wikipedia and they rattled off a few movie titles, a couple of records and that was pretty much about it. Apparently it doesn't exist, at least according to Wiki.



Next step, Merriam-Webster. They have to have something on it, correct? Sure enough. Seems it's an adjective meaning: held by or as if by a SPELL. Now that's more like it. And according to good ol' M-W, the first known use of the word was way back in 1785.

Yep, that sounds about right. I think I've been under your Spell for just about that long. Seems like it's been longer but I'll stick with their research. After all, they're the experts, I'm just a mere mortal.

As I browsed the page a bit more, searching for an answer of sorts, some kind of an explanation as to how this could have ever happened. Especially to me. Yes, especially to someone like me.

Sure, no doubt I can be pretty much relentless when it comes to the pursuit of a personal dream or a goal, basically because I hate to fail. At anything. I never want to let myself down by not doing my best, by not giving it my all and even worse, I don't want to be without whatever it is that I'm dreamin' of or striving for.




And I never want to fall short of reaching my goals. That's just unacceptable. Not to sound egotistical but I can usually be counted on to pull off any goal I set for myself. Some things might take a bit more time than others but I know that if another person can do it, I sure as hell can too! And if I set the intention, it's only a matter of time before it manifests.

And while this way of thinking works well when it comes to personal development type things and especially as it pertains to material things, this strategy as it were doesn't hold water in the world of relationships with females of the opposite sex.



Nope, unfortunately it doesn't seem to work anywhere near as well. Perhaps it's the fact that these precious beings have minds of their own and they can do their own thinking. Dammit!

As it turns out, they're fully capable of making a decision as to whether or not they want to take the time to get to know you. And if they don't, you'll usually know pretty damn quick. TOO QUICK!

And for the most part, I'd like to think I'm fairly good at taking a hint and knowing when to hit the road. In fact, I've been known to bail at the first sign of a don't bother, at hidden hints, at signals that aren't even there.




I guess what I'm saying is that without some kind of positive feedback every once in a while, some sort of emotional output from the other side, I have no desire to continue. Not that I'm necessarily giving up, it's just that I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. Or anywhere I perceive that I'm not wanted.

And so that's what leads me to the questioning of my entire thinking process over these last couple years. It's like my own knowledge of right and wrong has been seriously altered by some unknown entity and whatever I previously thought to be appropriate behavior in the realm of relationship building was tossed aside.

Thrown completely out the window in the pursuit of something so much more important to me than pride, than ego, basically even more important than lookin' like a fool! Which for people that know me, they KNOW how much I hate to look like a fool. Trust me on this one, I'm just as surprised as anybody by my behavior.





It's almost as if I'm no longer in control of my faculties. I've obviously lost all self control, not to mention common sense. That's what leads me to believe that I must be under some kinda Spell.



At this point it's becoming increasingly obvious that I'm no longer in charge. In charge of me. I feel like a puppet and someone else is pulling my strings. I'm doing things that I normally would never ever do. Basically I've lost all control.



I have to admit, this is something I just can't explain. It doesn't actaully make any sense, at least from a logical perspective. Why on earth would anybody, at least anybody in their right mind continue to push forward in the face of such a seemingly one sided situation as this one appears to be?



No doubt I can't even begin to answer that question. Well, to be honest I have an answer that I think is correct but I'm a bit afraid to even go there for fear of jinxing it. Any way you look at it, I'm unable to let go, to give up, to stop my pursuit. That's what leads me to believe that I'm being pulled by something so much more powerful than anything and everything I previously thought was important to me.




Which in turn causes me to reevaluate everything I thought was important. Everything that I held near and dear to me has been replaced by something that I can't even begin to figure out, let alone explain. How cool is that? As a matter of fact, not really that cool at all.




To be driven by an unknown source, one that you're unable to turn on or off is not the greatest place to be. Especially when you're a reformed (reforming?) control freak. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not in control of this journey, that's for sure.



So all I can do at this point is to ride it out, to continue on this path of the unknown and wait to see where I end up. Sink or swim, it's obviously not up to me. The current is just too damn strong. I'm just along for the ride.





If you can relate to this Post, I'd appreciate hearing your thoughts and if you enjoyed it, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.

Good vs Bad....What Do Women REALLY Want?

Good Guys vs Bad Boys. That age ol' battle, more than likely since the beginning of time. What type of men are most women attracted to?

Firstly, let me just start off by saying that I fully understand that this is a dangerous topic and while some might wonder why the heck I'm even goin' there, those that know me and are familiar with my writing know all to well that I'm pretty much fearless when it comes to tackling subjects that others simply refuse to. In essence, I'm the go there guy. Despite my better judgement.



As I mentioned earlier, I'd have to think that this has been going on since women were able to make a choice on their own as far as who they wanted to be with. Good or Bad, Good or Bad, oh Mom, which guy should I choose???

This might not have applied in the Caveman days as it seems to me that when a first date consists of a guy draggin' a woman by her hair, into his cave and havin' his way with her, that would basically put ALL guys in the Bad Boy category.



And perhaps this was also the case in the days of the Roman Empire. Not sure women had much choice back then either. I wouldn't think that Good Guys had much luck as being nice probably got you thrown in with the lions or at the very least, you ended up breakin' rocks until your arms and legs were yanked from your body as you were being pulled apart by two separate Chariots, headin' in two different directions. Not good to be a Good Guy in those days, that's for sure.




The women, if they did happen to take a chance on speaking up in regards to who it was they wanted to date, would more than likely have had their heads chopped off before they could even get the words out. Probably a good idea just to keep ones mouth shut, or forever hold your head....ooops, your peace.

Even in the days of the Kings 'n Queens in jolly ol' England, not really a good idea to speak your mind, let alone having a Bumper Sticker on ones Pumpkin saying something along the lines of "Good Guys Rule!" because at the very least, you'd be scrubbin' floors and cleanin' Chamber Pots as your evil step sisters were out carousing with all the Bad Boys in town.



A womans only hope was to be born into a wealthy family but even then, they still didn't have much of a choice as these were the days of the arranged marriages and as such, they would end up with Lord Goofball III by default. So these weren't so much choices as stuck withs. Ahhh, the good ol' days.

Jeez, up until now I hadn't really put all this together but maybe women have been ingrained to want Bad Boys, whether that's what they really want or not. Maybe they just can't help themselves?


Is it a matter of going against what they're told to want, as in their elders telling them to watch out for the Bad Boys as they will treat them badly, abuse them and then leave them? And so they have no other choice but to go against the grain in an attempt to find out for themselves if what they were told is actually true? Hmmmmm...... I wonder.



Or is it them thinkin' that this time is gonna be different? Somehow this guy will love them so much that the guy will do whatever it takes to make her happy and if changing his evil ways is what it's gonna take to get her to stay, then so be it. Like somehow they're gonna fix him.



Good luck with that one. As we all know, people in general, especially guys (of which I'm one) rarely if ever change. Especially not for someone else, let alone for themselves. Sure, we all grow in one way or another and we attempt to better ourselves but not many will change for someone else. At least not their entire moral outlook, their entire character. I'd have to think that we're pretty much us from the time we become adults.

So why is it then that you see so many women with Bad Boys? Do they think it's cool? Do they like the feeling of doing something wrong and gettin' away with it? To be honest, I have no idea. No idea whatsoever. It seems like they always complain about gettin' treated like crap. And then they go back to them. Go figure.




I'd like to think I'm from the other side of the tracks. I'd have to consider myself to be one of those idiots....ooops, I mean one of the Good Guys. You know the type, the guys that finish last! Yep, that's us.

Oh sure, women say that they want nice guys but I've yet to see anything to prove this theory to be true. Could it be the lack of drama? The missing daily controversy? The fact that all nice guys wanna do is treat their partners right, to get along?



Hell, where's the excitement in that? Sounds kinda boring, doesn't it? I mean, without all the drama, the constant fighting and bickering, what's left in a relationship?



All you end up with is love. Pure, unrelenting, selfless, love and devotion and who the hell wants to live a life as drama free as that? Well, for starters, I do. Yep, to me, drama and controversy suck. There's enough stress in life without having to add to it in a relationship. I don't do drama. No thanks, not my cup of green tea.

I'd much rather spend my time being happy, laughing and enjoying life. After all, isn't that what life is really all about? I sure think so anyway.



So I guess we'll just have to leave this as an open ended question, an unsolved mystery. Good or Bad, I have no idea what women really want. Which is probably a good thing because there's a pretty good chance I'm not gonna reinvent myself as someone else. At least not anytime soon.

If you have any thoughts in regards to the battle between good and bad, I'd enjoy hearing them and if you liked this Post, I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with your friends.

On The Other Side

Wow, I am all over the place these days. I have so many thoughts running through my brain, 24/7, that I can't seem to get a grip anymore. So many things pulling me in different directions that I'm just spinning in circles like a top. Well, more like a 'Whirling Dervish'. In real life, I think dervishes are Egyptian dancers but I remember the cartoon version, pretty much a monster spinning out of control, only stopping long enough to get it's bearings and then it's back to spinning its brains out. I don't think it's necessarily a 'bad' thing but it wasn't exactly pretty! More or less just a mess of energy spinning out of control, which is exactly how I feel these days.


At the end of each day I attempt to take a semi inventory of all the things that I accomplished on my 'To Do' list, hopefully checking a couple things off. Even if it's just one thing off the list, at least that's one less thing to tackle the next day. Unfortunately I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here. For some strange reason my list continues to get longer, not shorter. Hmmm, what's wrong with this picture? Isn't the list supposed to get shorter as I tackle each item? Apparently not as it appears that I while I am checking one thing off, I'm adding two in its place. Next thing you know, instead of throwing my freshly checked off list in the trash, I have a new list with even more items sitting right on top of the old one. Talk about overwhelmed, you have no idea. I can't even begin to explain how much 'junk' I have running through my head these days.


My life is in such turmoil, so many decisions I need to make but yet I'm wrapped up in 'paralysis by analysis' and so I continue to bury myself deeper and deeper in this man made hole that I have created for myself. Yes, I realize it's my own doing and yet I seem to be unable to think clearly enough to climb my way out of it. How is that possible? Not that I haven't always had lots of stuff on my mind, continually creating new ways to attempt to move forward in my life, searching for new trails to blaze, finding new avenues in which to travel down 'lifes path' yet I was seemingly able to put my feet on the ground once in awhile and at least tackle one or two things here and there. Now it seems as if I am continually sliding backwards, climbing a frozen waterfall with flip flops on, never quite getting enough traction to move ahead but hanging on by squeezing my toes together as hard as I can and digging my toe nails into the ice for every bit of traction I can find. Jeez, I'm worn out just thinking about it. No wonder I feel so constantly overwhelmed, I'm in 'emotion overload mode' and that's not good for productivity. Just not a good way to live life in general.


How am I ever gonna get back to a normal pace? One where I can look at each 'obstacle' objectively, 'taking action' rather than 'reacting to' each situation as it occurs. While I do my best not to think about what 'could' happen, what 'might' go wrong, it's not always as easy as it seems. Sure, there are always bumps in the road but to plan on them doesn't do a bit of good. I know that as well as anybody but yet I still tend do it. Maybe it's because I continue to get daily reminders of how much my life currently sucks. I firmly believe that living in the present is very important to our outlook on life and the choices we make for our future. The past is the past and there is nothing we can do about it. That's all fine and dandy. But I have so much trouble believing that the worst is over and that there are going to be better days ahead. I know better than to say it just can't get any worse because as we all know, instantly something else will happen and sure enough, things just got worse. I guess that's why I have so much trouble believeing that I have truly hit rock bottom. That it's ok to finally look toward a brighter future. It's because I know damn well that there is more crap to come, more things that are gonna do their very best to knock me down and keep me there.


As I look back on the last three or four years, I've had tons of stuff thrown my way that at the time I had no idea how I was gonna survive them, let alone move forward. Heck, most of the time I didn't wanna make it through as I knew darn well there was more crap waiting right around the corner. And yet, somehow here I am. Couldn't begin to tell you how I got through each dilemma but yet I did, well enough to face the next nightmare. Not sure if that's good or bad, it just is. And I also realize that everybody goes through crap in there lives, devastating situations that surely tear at their heart and make them question themselves, their thoughts, their beliefs and yet they go forward as well. So I guess that's what I'm gonna have to do. I'm going to have to continue trudging down this long and winding road to who knows where, to who knows what, for reasons unknown. I'm not a quitter, just too stupid I guess or maybe I'm just so afraid of failing that I can't give up. Not sure I could really live with myself if I did give up so in essence, that's not an option. Perhaps I'm just a glutton for punishment, some sort of sadist and I have this secret passion for pain. No, I don't think that's it. I truly do want to be happy and that's what keeps me moving forward with the hopes that someday things will get better. That I will find a woman that loves me, a career I'm passionate about and truly live the life of my dreams. Yet with every disappointment, every let down it becomes increasingly more and more difficult to remain focused on a better future.


I guess that's where the past can play a big part in our future. Knowing that we have tackled the same crap already, that unsurmountable mountain of stuff that at one point was a 'no way am I gonna make it through' and now here we are on the other side of that hill from hell, looking at a new nightmare. A new 'disaster' that we have to find some way, at all cost to make it through. They say that every problem is just another opportunity to learn something new, about ourselves and what we're made of and that these so called opportunities will only continue to make us stronger. Well, to be honest, I'm getting kinda tired of all this learning and I'm pretty much ready to just ditch class from here on out. Haven't I learned enough 'lessons' to last me for the rest of my life? Aren't I strong enough by now? The way it's looking, apparently not.


So it's off to the 'mental gym' I go, learning to face new hurdles in my life, climb new mountains from hell, all in the hopes that the life of my dreams is waiting for me, on the other side.

TEXTING SUCKS!

What ever happened to having an actual face to face conversation? Remember, the kind of thing where you can actually hear the other persons voice? Whether on the phone or in person, a true interaction between two or more people, where thoughts and ideas can be exchanged. Where emotions can be put forth, both good and bad, which could actually lead to a further understanding of each persons thoughts and feelings.


Texting isn't even a decent excuse for a conversation. Not by a long shot. Five or six words back and forth and to make matters even worse, most of those are 'half words', 'textonics', just a bunch of stupid abbreviations that add up to a complete desecration of the english language. Come to think of it, a massacre of ANY language.



All of this supposedly in the interest of saving time? Well, if you're anywhere near as 'textually challenged' as myself, it takes five times as long to attempt to spell your thoughts out in a text than it ever would have taken to just come right out and say it. And without any 'emotion' to go along with your words, it's just a guessing game as to what the 'sender' was even attempting to say. Not to mention the fact that by the time I'm ready to send my reply, three more texts have come through and so the response that took me ten minutes to get typed and ready to send is no longer even relevant. If I hit send at this point, the usual response is 'WTF?'. Even worse is when a call comes in at the same time and then you're totally screwed! Complete loss of all contact, screen 'flips over' to something else entirely and then you have to start all over.



Of course, all this leads to a full on battle. "Oh no, that's not at all what I meant. Scroll back up about five or six lines and you'll see that this is the answer to THAT question." All that BS that gets completely out of control, out of nowhere. It's no friggin' wonder the divorce rate is so high in this country. Nobody can understand what the heck anybody is trying to say and with all the misunderstandings and the hurt feelings along the way, it's easier just to get a divorce than it would be to go through any more texting 'crap'.



Instead of 'tennis elbow', we will start to see all of our hospital emergency rooms filled with people suffering from 'texting thumbs', our insurance rates will skyrocket, taxes will be raised to cover all of the people out of work on disability and we will be living in a society where no one even speaks to one another. Now, some might think this would be a 'dream come true', but not me. I myself miss the 'good ol' days' of sitting down and actually having a face to face conversation, especially with a beautiful woman.



Call me 'old fashioned' and 'out of touch', that's fine but until I can actually 'feel' a hug and a kiss thru my iPhone or 'see' the look in a womans eyes on my QWERTY keyboard when she says "I Love You", I'll take a 'real' conversation any time!

Life Is Short, Don't Put It Off!

Next Wednesday would have been Grandmas Birthday, she would have been 93. Can you imagine that, 93? Unfortunately we lost her back on February 19th of this year. But in her 92 years on this wonderful planet just imagine all the great 'things' she was able to see. All of the amazing inventions that have come along since she was a small child growing up in the Bay area. Planes, Automobiles, Movies, Television, Computers, the list is endless.

Born and raised in Oakland, she spent alot of her childhood in San Fransisco. She always talked about the Cable Cars, Cannery Row, Fishermans Wharf , all exciting 'things' to a child growing up around the time of the Great Depression. When she married my Grandfather, he was a Semi Pro Baseball player and always on the road traveling from game to game, which I'm sure took it's toll on their marriage. Even after my father, their only child, was born it still wasn't enough to keep my Grandfather from the life he loved and by 1958 they were divorced. That same year she met another man whos company she enjoyed. A few years her senior, they fell in love and were married in 1959. I was born in 1960 and so 'they' were my Grandparents [I never could figure out why I had an 'extra' Grandfather] and were to become such a big part of my childhood, my entire life for that matter. Not the least of which were the numerous trips to Disneyland and all the 'E Ticket' rides. All I have to do is close my eyes and I'm there again.


As my sister and I got older, we spent many weekends with Grandma & Grandpa. We didn't know it at the time but I think it was mostly to give our parents a 'break' from the stress of raising two kids. All we knew is that our Grandparents always spoiled the heck out of us and we liked it! My parents were married @ 18 and I'm still amazed they kept it going for 14 years. My Dad worked three jobs and my sister and I were my Moms 'full time' job, along with all the domestic chores. I think that all the Thanksgivings and Christmas' at Grandmas were a blessing for all, especially us kids.

In 1985 my Grandpa passed away unexpectedly during a 'routine' surgery, leaving my Grandma alone without warning. She was a very strong and independent woman, we knew she would be ok. She spent many years as the Head of the FUR Departments at The Broadway and Bullocks, both well known Dept Stores in her day, her territory being all of Southern California . No doubt she was a survivor. Through her two knee replacements, Breast Cancer 'scares' and all the ups and downs of life, she chose not to remarry. Instead she seemed content to spend her time with her friends and her pets.


We all had busy lives of our own and by this time my parents had divorced and gone their separate ways. My sister had her life and I was busy living a full life in San Diego . Through the years the Holiday 'trips' to Grandmas became less frequent and were seemingly replaced by phone calls and greeting cards. "I love you and I'll see you soon" seemed to be the recurring theme in all my communications with her. After all, it's a short drive from San Diego to Hemet, I can go next month. It's not like I have to fly to Florida or anything. But the more I wanted to go visit her, it seems the more excuses I made to put it off until 'later'. And as we all know, later never comes. Every time her and I would talk on the phone, she'd reassure me that everything was fine, she was ok but "come and visit when you can." "I will, I will," I promised.

While at work one day in 2004, I decided to call her on my lunch break, just to say "Hi". After we spoke for a few minutes, she said "I have someone here that wants to speak to you." My first thought was who on earth could it be, my sister and I are her only family. "Hello, this is 'Shirley So and So' from the County of Riverside . We are here to take your Grandmother to a State Facility, she can no longer take care of herself. We are going to sell her home and take all of her assets to pay for her full time care." All I could say was "What are you talking about?" I left work immediately and drove to Hemet. All throughout the 2 1/2 hour drive I ran all the different 'scenarios' through my head as to how all of this all could have happened and what was I going to be able to do about it.

As it turned out, apparently her 'friends' next door had placed a few calls to the County and they sent a 'friend' [spy] to visit weekly and report back with her 'findings'. They determined that my Grandma could no longer take care of herself and needed to be in a 'Full Time' Care Facility. I came to find out later that this entire situation came about because the neighbor wanted to buy my Grandmas Mobile Home for a family member of theirs to live in and my Grandmother refused to sell so they thought if she was 'gone', they could buy her home. Long story short, I found an Assisted Living facility for her, sold her home to someone else so the County wasn't able to 'take everything' and neither was her neighbor.

At that time, she was diagnosed with the beginning stages of Dementia and over the last 4+ years it became progressively worse, robbing her of her memory and eventually her ability to communicate. Up until about 2 years ago, she would recognize me every time I visited her but since that time it had gotten much worse. So bad in fact that she could no longer communicate. You could see in her eyes that she had so much she wanted to say but she couldn't get the words out. After an hour of talking with her and showing her old family photos, you definitely got the feeling that perhaps it was 'triggering' memories of some kind inside her and as she smiled and laughed a bit, she still couldn't express what was on her mind. Perhaps it was more my wanting so badly to have her recognize me and just praying that maybe this time it would happen but of course it never did.

I had to come to the realization that she just didn't know me anymore. No matter how much it broke my heart, she wouldn't ever recognize me or have a conversation with me again. For all intents and purposes, my Grandmother was gone. Oh, she was relatively strong for her age and the skin on her face still showed all the years of pride in her appearance but yet, she was gone. I had lost my Grandmother. As I sat there with her, I continued to talk to her knowing full well that she had no idea who I was or what I was saying. No matter what I did, I couldn't bring her back and I just had to face that fact.

All this brings me to the reason for writing this 'novel'. Life is so short and our families are such precious parts of who we are today. Take a little time, tell them you love them, say everything you ever wanted to say to them no matter how 'trivial' it may seem. Even if you 'think' they already know how you feel, reassure them anyway. The next time you make an excuse and say "Sorry, I'm just too busy right now but we'll get to see each other real soon", immediately stop what you're doing and change your plans. You can always mow the lawn or watch the game next weekend. This weekend, go and visit your family. I promise you it will be a million times more rewarding and the memories will be with you much longer than which Team won the game or how many times you emptied the mower bag.

So as I sit here typing this, on the 'eve' of what would have been her 93rd Birthday, I can't help but think about all of the times that I should have gone to visit her. All the times that I should have put 'my life' on hold and went to share her life with her. I truly am the one that lost out here. She was such a wonderful woman, such a big part of my life and my childhood growing up, I only wish I would have told her more often. So again, life is so short and if I can help just one person to not have to live with the regret that I feel, make that trip. Or at the very least, make that phone call. You just never know when the last time will be that you will get the chance to see them or to tell them you love them.



"Happy Birthday Grandma, I Love You and I will never forget you."

There Really IS Something About?????

In the movie her name is Mary and DANG, I love that movie! I've seen it a thousand times and I'll probably watch it a thousand more. It's totally me in a nutshell. Not so much that I met someone a long time ago that I'm still pining over but the fact that I know what I'm looking for and I won't stop until I find her. Also, the ending which is the best part of the movie, hasn't exactly happened for me either. In the end he gets the girl, I haven't been so lucky.

But I can so relate to how 'stuck' he is on one woman. He knows what he likes, wants, needs and desires in a woman and that's that. End of story. No one else will do. Unfortunately, I'm pretty much that same way. I have dated and been in enough relationships to know what I want. I can pretty much tell right off the bat if it's got the potential to go anywhere or not and I don't date randomly, just to date. I can't 'fake' my emotions and I don't date just to feel 'wanted'. I ONLY date a woman in hopes of building a friendship that will last forever, with a dream of finding my one true love, the love of my life.

Yes, looks are a part of it, who's kiddin' who here? There has to be a physical attraction of some sort but that's why God made everyone 'different'. Because everybody is looking for something different and if anyone says that looks don't matter to some degree, I believe they aren't being completely honest with themselves or with others for that matter.

But that's such a small part in the overall scheme of things, it's so much more than that. That's why sites like 'Match' and 'Eharmony' can actually work. You get a glimpse of someone and that can be the initial 'spark' that's needed to get the ball rolling. Then, providing the profile is reasonably accurate, you can get somewhat of an idea of whether or not you have similar interests and have a desire to go any further. Not to say that some people don't 'embellish' their profile a bit, pictures, age, etc. but even then it still helps to get a bit of background before proceeding. One thing I do find kinda odd is how many 'world travelers' you'll find on those sites. It seems like all of the women have been travelling longer than they have actually been alive but that's another story.

Yes, you hear about all the guys that 'prey' on the single mothers, hoping for an easy 'target'. Tell the women what they want [need] to hear, get in and then get out just as quickly. Yes, there are plenty of guys like that. Some have even bragged to me of their 'conquests' but to me that is such a low and shallow way of living.

That is so not me. I don't mess around with peoples emotions, same as I hope they won't mess with mine. Doesn't always go that way of course but I'm all about KARMA and so I tell it like it is, right from the start and hope for the same in return. Karma is key. I don't lead women on just to get close to them, just as I hope they won't lead me on. I am honest to a fault which of course has caused me to get the lousy end of the 'deal' my entire life, yet that's just 'who' I am and I can't seem to change it.

So hopefully someday I will have the same luck as 'Ted'. I really shouldn't say 'luck'. He FINALLY found a woman that 'got him', understood him and realized what a 'score' he actually was. Women say to me quite often that they "can't believe I'm single, I'm such a great catch." Now, I would like to think so but whether or not that's true I really can't say. Even though I hate being single it still makes me feel good when a woman says that to me. Now don't get me wrong, I am very sincere and so far from conceited it's unreal [even though it may not sound like it here] but it's true, I hear it alot. It's just the fact that I refuse to 'settle'. And I also haven't found "the one" yet. The timing is ALWAYS wrong. Seems as if when I FINALLY find a woman that I think I could possibly build a future with, she just wants to date a bunch of guys [I don't date a bunch of women at once] or she's in a relationship already or she just got out of a relationship and the LAST thing she wants is to get back into a relationship. I'm only interested in a relationship that has the possibility of lasting a lifetime so to 'serial date' is just not me. Like they say, "Timing is everything" and it just never seems to be right for me.

Yes, I'm probably just too stupid to give up. Maybe I should but I'm just not a quitter. I just have to believe that someday the timing will be right. I have no right whatsoever to be picky and in my eyes I'm not. In fact, I don't even like that phrase. In my mind I'm not really being picky as much as I just know early on if it even has a possibility of becoming a long term relationship or not and if not, I just won't get involved. I have a very good idea of what I want in my 'future' partner and I won't 'settle' until I find a woman that has some of those things. Someone that shares my 'core' values and beliefs.

So I guess if picky is the opposite of desperate then yes, that's me. I don't think that I'm tryin' to find a woman that's 'out of my league'. I don't want the super glam, gold digger, trophy chick. I want a 'real' woman that I can actually do 'things' with. Sure, sex is a big part of a relationship but you still have to communicate and 'get along' in all other aspects. I want to find my 'best friend' and build a relationship on that.

So thank God for this movie. It still gives idiots like me at least one ounce of hope that maybe I will find a 'real' woman that "gets me", appreciates me for me and wants to build a friendship with me that will last a lifetime. Yes, I guess I'm a hopeless romantic. "Old Fashioned" sounds kinda lame, I'd prefer to think of myself as "Old School". So I will continue to trudge ahead on this extremely bumpy road until the timing is FINALLY right. Because There Really IS Something About?????